Hey there! Aussie speaking, how do ya do? Anyway, poetry. Right. I like what your saying here. I just think it could be said a bit better. Try this: imagine yourself at that bus stop, cigarette smoke and stale beer wafting up from a nearby trash receptical, and suddely this amazing woman walks up. She's wearing gorgeous high-heeled shoes that must have cost about a thousand bucks. Her expression tells you right away that she would never be at this bus stop by choice, that something went wrong with her limousine and it's in the shop. But there's something about her that makes you want to go right up and sweep her off her feet so those amazing shoes aren't dirtied on this pitiful concrete.
It's those sort of details that make a so-so poem a great poem. Really. Try it out and I think you'll like what you write.
PM me if you have any questions.
Toodle-oo!
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark
I'm going to have to agree. I think what you are trying to say in this poem could be said a bit better. I was actually going to suggest the same kind of thing as well. If you imagine yourself in that position and pay attention to the details of it you could create a great poem by incorporating those details into your poem. One thing about that though is that when you do that, you don't want to just TELL the reader whats going on flat out. You want to make them see it, feel it, while they are reading the poem. That will make it even better.
