Blue from End to End

The walls are brightly strewn with sunlit invitation;
The words, clearly visible, streaking across bedspreads and lampshades.
Birds twitter but remain invisible to me.
And the sky is the most exquisite and tropical blue.
It doesn’t hang from pegs like in winter months,
Nor bellow and flap with skittering clouds like in autumn.
It’s not tight and pale from each horizon as in spring.
Instead, it’s light and loose,
glowing with talcum powder clouds that lie
here and there,
static in the smoulder of the sun.


just a bit of fun for me, really! It was a really gorgeous day yesterday and i needed to write something. Tell me what you think.

Hi Charlie, how's it going? I think... this was pretty good, but it could use a bit of work. First of all, you need to have a rhythm. Right now that's pretty much nonexistent. The length or your lines, the number of syllables and all, is erratic. That's the first thing I'd fix.

kk. Line by line:

"The walls are brightly strewn with sunlit invitation," Good line, I think it's worthy of a period though.

"The words, clearly visible, streaking across bedspreads and lampshades." In and of itself, I really like this line. It's one of my favorite in the poem, but only if it's separate from the poem. Because it doesn't seem to fit. It seems entirely alien from your subject. Words? What words? I thought we were talking about sky and sun and lovely day. I just don't really get what it's doing there.

"Birds twitter but remain invisible to me." Invisible to you as in what? They're invisible in general? or are you just not looking for them. But maybe that's not the point. What I'm getting at, is that I just feel like something is lacking from this line. Or maybe, it seems a little choppy? Like it should be connected to another in some way. But something should change.

"And the sky is the most exquisite and tropical blue." I think you should take out the 'and.' I'm not picky about 'and' starting sentences, but in this case it's not necessary, and I think it detracts from the flow of the sentence and the poem.

"It doesn’t hang from pegs like in winter months" This is a lovely line. I'd substitute something else for the word 'like' though. I think you could do better there. And you should put a comma at the end.

"Nor does it bellow and flap with skittering clouds in autumn" Shouldn't it be "like in autumn"? Or... not 'like', whatever word you decide to use instead. But you see what I mean. You didn't intend to say that in autumn it doesn't bellow and flap with skittering clouds, right?

"It’s not tight and pale from each horizon as in spring." The "as in" is better than the "like".

"Instead, it’s light and loose, glowing with talcum powder clouds that lie here and there, static in the smoulder of the sun." Good description. I like the 'smoulder' and the 'static' and the 'talcum powder clouds'. But the line is too long. It's one of the biggest problems in your rhythm. And you need rhythm. You need consistency in your form.


That's the biggest problem in this I think, the rhythm. Everything else is just a minor suggestion from me, purely my opinion. It was a lovely poem. I will say I've seen better, and maybe other people will have better suggestions for you than I, but the descriptions were lovely.


*adna*

thanks for the suggestions. after reading your comment, i realised that there were a lot of things that i have not made obvious about the poem, it's meanings and the way in which it's intended to be read etc. So, i felt i needed to reply.

I must admit that i prefer this poem without the rhythm - it was such a lazy day that i didn't even know the time at one given moment! Also, i'm not sure if rhythm is necessary with every poem.
i should probaby explain that the reason there isn't a fullstop at the end of the first line is that it links with the second - the words that streak across bedspreads and lampshades are in fact just sunlight, inviting me outside. Do you see? I will try and make that more obvious in the poem.
i suppose the third line is meant to give the impression that i am looking up at the sky, hearing birds but not seeing them. It doesn't really have a purpose; i wrote it more for atmosphere. It's not supposed to give the impression that i'm looking for birds and can't see them, but more that there aren't any birds in my line of view, but i can still hear them. Do you see what i mean? I think it's important to read this poem with the lazy atmosphere in mind, as it sort of makes it easier to understand. hm.
i can see what you mean about the next line. Then and is a bit unsure. However, i quite like it where it is. It's sort of uncomfortable to read, but it was the way that the line came to me originally, and it feels natural, and unnatural without it.
with the next few lines, i'm not as fussed sbout the 'like'. There is a lot of repition already and i wanted some variation. However, the points you picked up about punctuation and stuff were useful.

So thanks for all the suggestions. I know it's not the most powerful poem in the world, but i'm glad you liked the description and it's a shame that i obviouisly have caused some confusion with meanings etc. Never mind.
We shall have to agree to disagree on the rhythm argument. But i do apreciate your critisism.

Thanks again, from charlie. ^^