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Thanks a bunch to all that read this.
Happy Reading!
**Edited as of August 7, 2008**
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PART THREE
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe…
I was wandering around in the Benson’s backyard. The reason was unknown, even to me, but I took some comfort in being here. The Benson’s were out for the day, spending time with the family, reminiscing about Adam. Melinda had invited me to come along, but I knew I couldn’t. I would feel like an intruder on such a personal visit. I knew I should have gone. It would have maybe given me the closure I needed. But I held back. I wasn’t a family member. I wasn’t a sister, cousin, or aunt…
I was Adam’s girlfriend.
I kicked at the grass, lifting some strands up into the air. It was sunny, like it had been at the barbecue a few weeks before, but the humidity was absent, leaving an odd chill in the air. It raised goosebumps along my arms and the tiny hairs on the back of my neck. But I ignored it, no longer able to feel anything, especially fear.
My eyes found the hammock and I crawled up into it, imagining Adam beside me, his strong arms around me, showering me in his kisses. I swore I could feel him, as if he was really there, playing with my hair, and whispering words into my ear. I clenched my jaw as I felt that familiar tickling sensation at the back of my throat. I had cried enough the first night I had gotten the news. No longer would I shed a tear. Adam was gone. He was somewhere, hopefully in a better place than here.
I just prayed that he was happy.
I remembered back to the first time we had met. I had just been sent to my foster parents around the middle of seventh grade. I was a bitter and slightly negative child back then, unable to feel or love. I had taken precious years of my life before moving here building a thick brick wall around myself, blocking everybody out except my siblings, who were now scattered around the U.S.
It had been over five years since being sent to that Foster Care Center in western Arizona. I had my two younger brothers and one older sister there with me. I used to have nightmares about my mother, about her drinking, about her obsession with that liquor drink. Weekend visits by my father, ones that were meaningless by the time my mother passed away. Even at the funeral, he was a phantom, a ghost in my life that eventually vanished in wisps of smoke.
At the Care Center, we were told that we would stay together, that some family would want four children like ourselves. But that day never came.
First, it was my youngest brother, Michael. He was only six and was sent to live as an only child a few hours away from the Center. We visited him a few times, but even those faded and ended. Next, came Rachel. She was fifteen then and went to live with another girl her age and her family. She seemed happy enough, even in my eyes. Then, Nate left. He was my best friend, only two years between us. I could tell him anything.
He was the hardest to let go.
He went out of state to somewhere in Florida. He wrote letters and sent postcards from various family vacations. And there I sat in Arizona, cold and alone until Mr. and Mrs. Martin came into my life. They seemed kind enough; young parents looking for a young girl to call their own. And they must have seen something in me, something they liked for a week later, I was moving to Duluth, Minnesota.
And so, with my siblings scattered and my life in shambles, I retreated back into myself for some sort of comfort.
But Adam had changed all that. He was the compassionate, extremely cute locker buddy whose locker was right next to mine. He was also the overly helpful and sometimes goofy nerd. And somehow, Adam removed my wall brick by brick until I just caved and gave in to being myself, to finally being Valerie again.
Finally, I couldn’t’ stand to sit in the hammock anymore and so I rolled out and continued around the backyard. The chilled feeling followed me like a lost puppy, no matter how I tried to shake it off by rubbing my arms. Looking up into the sky, I closed my eyes and embraced the warmth radiating from the sun. That’s when I first heard it, the soft whisper of the wind in my ear.
Free yourself…
I spun around, breathing heavy, my heart in my throat. But there was no body there, no body but me. I held my ears, trying to soothe my heart back into my chest. My hair was on end, and yet…it wasn’t fear that did it. I had been excited, expectant of what I would find. But I had been disappointed. Somehow, in a crazy way, I was expecting Adam to be there. It was his saying after all, one he would repeat to me countless times when I was feeling down or alone.
Sighing, I headed for the porch and plopped down onto the steps. Letting my head fall into my hands, I slowly allowed my breathing to return to normal. “Oh, Adam! Why did you have to go!” I moaned softly, gulping down fresh tears.
I’m right here…
I choked on a sob and clutched at my throat in wild, frantic movements, searching the yard for someone, anyone! I knew it had to be someone’s cruel idea of a joke…but who would do such a thing? I shook my head, deeming myself insane. I needed to hear his voice and so I came to the conclusion that it was my own mind playing tricks on me because I knew no one would do that. There had been over seventy people at his funeral and more than that at his awake. Adam had been very well known throughout our high school and community. But there was so much more to him than appearances go.
He was the boy that sneaked over in the middle of the night to lull me to sleep when my foster parents fought or when one of my siblings forgot to call. He was the friend I needed and the shoulder to cry on.
But he had also been the boy who dated other girls while still kissing me. He was the boy who continued to turn me down while the list for potential dates mounted. I would never forget the anger he had against me when I caught one of his girlfriends’ cheating on him. He had called me a liar and told me to never speak to him.
I shuddered at the horrible memory and pushed it away. It was a sore spot, a wound that never healed, even in the time we shared, in the love we created. There was always that sliver of space between us that never was shut, that was never closed.
Standing, I mentally shook myself, shaking away the chilled feeling before leaving the yard. Pushing open the wooden gate, I looked back one last time. The wind picked up, and again, I heard it.
Don’t go…
“I have to,” I mumbled before spinning on one heel and walking away.
[b]I’m holding on to something and I do not know why I tried… [b]
The fire crackled with an energy all its own, the flames flickering in all manner of colors and shapes. I lost myself in its heat, a quilt tucked around my knees and a cup of hot cider in my hand. It was the middle of September yet I was freezing in the empty house. My foster parents had taken off for the weekend for my foster mother’s cabin with her parents. They had urged me to come along but I turned them down. I needed to be alone, to have time to think.
It had been almost two months since Adam’s death, but it felt like just yesterday. I was starting to have nightmares about his funeral and about that horrible whispering in the wind, as if it really was Adam. But I knew that it was just my imagination. I just wanted to hear his voice so bad, to have him comfort me, to tell me that I would be all right.
But that wasn’t possible. Because my friend was gone.
Taking a sip of the cider, I gazed deeply into the fire, watching the wood crumble into ash. School had started a few weeks earlier, but I was a phantom in the hallways. It was supposed to be my senior year, the best of all. However, people avoided me like a plague. At first, they were reasonable, and sympathetic. But once they figured out that I wouldn’t shake myself out of my revere, they gave up hope. My foster parents considered counseling and I let them because I knew it wouldn’t help. Not until I learned to let him go.
And I wasn’t ready to yet.
A memory wrapped its silky arms around me, dragging me under as if I was really there, reliving it again. It was the summer before last. We were at a local lake, a group of friends there. Adam was there with his best friends, Luke and David. I had invited Carly, Natalie, and Adam’s sister, Melinda, with, the three girls I had grown to love as sisters would each other. It was a carefree day, all of us friends, sharing the moment.
It was also the summer that Adam and I kissed for real…not just when he was feeling down and needed a little pick-me-up. It had been after the bonfire. He had led me off into the woods and had confessed his eternal love for me. I had been waiting for that moment for years. For those precious words to bless my ears.
Now, however, as I went over the memory, his kiss had been smoky with fire and sticky from the candy we had eaten. It hadn’t been very enjoyable. But it had been our kiss, and I would relish it forever.
Falling onto my side, I closed my eyes and dreamed of Adam, of his arms, of his touch, of his kiss. He had been the boy of my dreams, but somehow, the more I thought of him, the more I thought about his flaws, of how in the beginning, he had used me to get to other girls, like Carly. How he had sneaked over to my house once, saying that he was there for me, but actually there for my cousin that was sleeping two rooms down.
I severed that line of thought before it could bring me down further. I knew that even with the flaws, Adam had been my escape, my bodyguard, my love. I cherished the good and the bad memories we shared, knowing I would never create anymore, realizing that they were all I had to keep me going.
Be free, my love…
This time, I didn’t acknowledge the voice. I let it come, knowing it was just my imagination. Adam’s voice soothed my ears, drifted into my mind, and eased my aching heart. But as the wind continued to whisper in my ear, to caress my cheek, the more I felt as though Adam was there. I could practically feel his palm on my cheek and his cold breath on my lips. And I started to believe that maybe it wasn’t just my imagination running wild…
“Adam,” I breathed, letting my eyes slip closed.
You know what you must do…
Moaning softly, a single tear slipped down my cheek. Why was Adam always right? I knew in my heart what I needed to do, but I shivered to think about it.
And so, with one single thought embedding itself into my mind, I slipped into a restful slumber.
