You loved me once,
do you remember.
From April, June, to September.

You were so confident.
I was shy.
I had never cried over a guy.
Then you came.
You've changed me.

I hate the way that you made me move so fast.
I hate when people ask about my past.
All because of you.
You start rumors that are untrue.
You've changed me.

Starting from a shy girl,
all alone in her own messed up world.
To a new teen.
Unafraind of anything.

I hate acting different just for you.
I used to enjoy,
pinks and blues.
But now I don't.
It's black for my now.

You've changed me.
There's no going back.

You went out with my best friend to make me mad,
it worked.
I kicked your ass for it too.
Jerk.

Now I'm the one falling over you again.
deserted by all of my friends.
Your my obsession.
I'm your possesion.
Do with me what you wish.

I'm too far in depression.
Bring me out of my white and black world.
Make me into that sweet little girl again.

You've changed me.

[quote="Writing for love is a pas"]
You loved me once,
do you remember.
From April, June, to September.>>>>> This is ok, but it doesn't really push me.

You were so confident.
I was shy.
I had never cried over a guy.
Then you came.
You've changed me.>>>> how? How did a person change you???

I hate the way that you made me move so fast.
I hate when people ask about my past.>>>I think your kind of forcing the words right here, let it flow.
All because of you.
You start rumors that are untrue.
You've changed me.>>>>again, how???

Starting from a shy girl,
all alone in her own messed up world.
To a new teen.
Unafraind of anything.>>>I like this part.

I hate acting different just for you.
I used to enjoy,
pinks and blues.
But now I don't.
It's black for my now.

You've changed me.
There's no going back.

You went out with my best friend to make me mad,
it worked.
I kicked your ass for it too.
Jerk.

Now I'm the one falling over you again.
deserted by all of my friends.
Your my obsession.
I'm your possesion.>>>your forcing it again, let it come to you, it doesn't have to rhyme.
Do with me what you wish.

I'm too far in depression.
Bring me out of my white and black world.
Make me into that sweet little girl again.>>>>>>my favorite part and one of the only parts that ((((stunnded me)))))

You've changed me.[/quote]




ok hehe, I just completely distroyed your poem and sorry, but it's true, don't force the rhyme, it should come to you. The poem was great and you showd alot of emotion that alot of other don't show. But tell us, why we should care? what is the point? Overall great poem. I truely hope this helps at least the smallest bit. If you need anymore help go ahead and PM me. Good luck and keep writing.

-Max

I really liked this, which for me is rare with an emotional love poem. It had me rooting for the narrator and I really enjoyed the conflicting feelings. I would suggest capitalising the first letter of every line but aside from that it's a very good poem.

You loved me once,

do you remember.

From April, June, to September.

GREAT BEGINNING! (:



You were so confident.

I was shy.

I had never cried over a guy.

Then you came.

You've changed me. This line isn't powerful enough. Explained further in overall.

Second stanza could be a lot more powerful. The words and rythm become extremely plain here as opposite to the first stanza as possible and make me want to quit reading as the general public .

I hate the way that you made me move so fast.

I hate when people ask about my past.

All because of you. I know it ryhmes with 'untrue' but here you are really letting your rhyming take over your creative spirit. As a poet, that can be a GIGANTIC flaw. In my opinion, you could have done more with this line.

You start rumors that are untrue. I thought we were writing in past tense but here you change to present? That confuses the reader and should probably be "started"

You've changed me. again, * read overall



Starting from a shy girl,

all alone in her own messed up world.

To a new teen.

Unafraind of anything. I liked this stanza except for the last line. It is commonly overused and I have written it many times myself. I know you have an extensive vocabulary inside of you otherwise you wouldn't be a writer, so GET IT OUT!



I hate acting different just for you.

I used to enjoy,

pinks and blues. this would flow and rhyme better if it was PINK and BLUE, rather than pinks and blues due to the last line ending in "you".

But now I don't.

It's black for my now. I had mixed feelings about this "my now" honestly I think I was leaning on it should sound different but I have no suggestions as to how.



You've changed me.

There's no going back.
i felt something missing in between these two stanzas. Something important. Push your creation.


You went out with my best friend to make me mad,

it worked.

I kicked your ass for it too.

Jerk.

Ohhh, not bad. I feel the anger. But I feel ending it on "jerk" was a bit soft. "Repugnant pig" and other such words can really improve a piece if not used too frequently. Don't be scared to pull out a thesaurus.

Now I'm the one falling over you again.

deserted by all of my friends. This line is just MEH,

Your my obsession.

I'm your possesion. LOVE the last two lines

Do with me what you wish.



I'm too far in depression.

Bring me out of my white and black world.

Make me into that sweet little girl again. you dont need again here. it;; flow better.



You've changed me.


Overall: Your vocab here is very single sided and simple. I feel like you're bursting with this crearive spirit but you let something get in the way. perhaps it was the emotion of it or remembering. By any means, Your word choice here NEEDS to be stronger. It needs to capture my attention. As for the "You've changed me" that is a perfect example of what I am talking about. how many people on earth have written that?? PLEASE! it is such a cliche and you must must must change it. Of course, these are just my opinions and you're the author so you don't need to take any of them seriously. You have a piece here that with a lot of work, could be tear jerking. Right now, it doesnt do so much for me. I feel the emotions slightly but if you worded it better it'd be a heck of a lot more obvious. Also, I feel lots of anger coming through. If you ever need to talk about something life wise or writing wise, I am here. Actually, my real username was tennisprincess and I remember you as being one of my friends but I really needed a new account. I am going to be transferring everything here soon. Haha. Anyways, cheers!! Hope I helped!

I really like this. While reading it I found that I can almost perfectly relate to whats being said through the poem. This brought back a lot of memories.
Anyways. I think you did a great job. I only found a few 'hiccups' in the flow. There's not a whole lot that I have to say about this. I think it was all-around good. I think maybe because of the fact that I relate to it so much I can't seem to find much of anything wrong with it.
Well, good job. Hope to see more pieces from you.