Secrets of the Heart - Chapter One

** I am no longer using YWS but I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my work and helped me to improve it - you guys are seriously amazing and I love you all. Thank you!! xx **

It was a bright summer’s day, friendly, warm and happy; most unlike the students who were walking along, bracing themselves for the start of another year and the sweaty, cramped classrooms that awaited them.

This is a let-down opening. Draw us in, draw us in! I mean, 'bright summer's day'... how often has that been used? Try to be more experimental with your descriptions, wow us, use fresh imagery.

“Did you do your essay Ella?”

When you are asking Ella, there should be a comma before her name.

“That’ll be the day when Gabriella actually does her homework!” Laughed Robert

Why a capital L?

She stopped laughing abruptly as she stepped through the gates.

“What’s the matter Ella?” Robert asked, his voice filled with concern,

“Nothing,” Ella replied vaguely. “Nothing at all.”

“So … did you actually do your essay?”

Robert’s question snapped her out of her daze,

“What makes you say that?”

“You said you didn’t want to be horrid to our tutor, so I thought -”

“Thought what?” Ella snapped tartly,

“That you’d actually done your essay.”

“Do you think I went soft during the holidays or something?”

That's just too much dialogue (especially when they're talking about essays!). Well, it's okay, if you balance it out with non-dialogue. If you don't like to, maybe play-writing is more for you.

Robert looked completely gob smacked

Gob-smacked is a truly ugly turn of phrase. That's just my opinion, though.



All right, I'm going to be honest. There was nothing refreshing about this, nothing that makes me think you've worked hard. It's just a scene, and single scenes need to be enticing. You need to try writing about something topical, something intriguing and different, not just a generic conversation between friends.
There was far too much dialogue, no abundance of description... it just seems tired.
Reading this, I know I sound godawful, but I just think you should push the boat out more. You have potential.

hi lucyy.
ok, so this is my first review so I will try to be the best that I can.
here goes:

I enjoy reading the way you describe people or things. Like here, you describe the classroom as 'sweaty, cramped classrooms". and when you describe Matt:
He was very tall with beautiful dark spiky hair, a smidgen of a nose and very soft looking, kissable lips. He was very tanned and looked quite cool standing there casually in their dumb school uniform. His bright blue eyes looked straight towards Ella and then he waved. you got what Iam trying to say, right? so keep that up!
I think the way you described the scene made me paint a picture of how it was like around the compound. Add a little more details and you'll be great.

There is a repitition of the word "stunning". You have used it three times and so it makes the story uninteresting when we have to read the same thing in the same manner i.e "stunning, olive eyes". try editing that. Work on your grammar like lhighton has told you and you could be submitting wonderful writings. You have a lot of potential and I am looking forward to read the continuation. all the best

Thank you both for your comments & critique, i will take it all on board & start to edit it to improve it!!
Also, there's a prologue to this story if you haven't already read it & also I know it's not a very exciting chapter, I just felt it relevant to introduce all of my characters & i used the prologue to draw in people's attention. But thatnks again for reading it & I needed to improve it so thanks for giving me tips etc!!
Lucyy xx

lucyy,
Since I'm new at the whole reviewing thing I'll try my best at doing it.
First of all the character description was a whole lot better than mine! And Lilia's chocolate brown eyes makes me want to eat chocolate. {so random!!} If this is a "private" school do they do essays during the summer? {I wouldn't know. I've never been to one before.} From my point of view it sounds like Ella is some type of rebel not wanting to do the essay and not caring enough for the new teacher. It's not bad, I've just never seen a supposedly "rebel" being the main character. Okay now the thing about Robert's hand sliding around Ella's waist confused me. Is Robert, Ella's boyfriend? Maybe I'll have to wait for the next part. You know I just love how Ella snaps at Robert and is next all dreamy. It's like she has a split personality. {^_^} So all in all I loved it! I can't wait for the next part.
-Merry
{did I do good at reviewing?}

In the first and second paragrpah you use "happy" and then "unhappy". Try and vary your language a bit so that it doesn't get repetitive

That's the only slightly grammatical thing I'm going to comment on. I am looking forward to chapter 2 as I really don't know how this is going to go. It is in danger of going down the same route of a lot of novels that focus around teens and love but I hope you can pull off the stereotypical writing style with a fantastic storyline to balance it out.

Keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing chapter 2 as soon as its ready...if you could send me a private message about it it'd be great

xxx

Thank you both Merry_Haven & olivia1987uk I'm so pleased you like it & yep I will get on those alterations as soon as, I still haven't done the other ones from above, I'm a little behind opps.
& yep of course I'll PM you & just if you don't know I have a prologue to this story that you might want to check out (:
& yep Merry, you did a great review thank you very much (: & I'm glad you like my character descriptions, I never thin k that they're very good, but I'm glad you like them. Haha chocolate .. yummy (:
& I wouldn't really know, I've never been to a private school either, just regular comprehensive secondary school for me
& I just added the essay bit in to set the scene a buit, but it seems a bit weired now, so I might change it ... hmmm ...

Anyways, thank youy all for your reviews & I will get to altering this chapter as soon as I have time, whivh I hope will be soon & then I can properly focus on it & learn more from it Hehe, than you all again,
Lucyy xx

Your writing style reminds me of a girl I help at school with her writing for language.
Emotions and looks are detailed, the scenery is depicted, but there is a lot of chatting. Which is okay, just not in uniterrupted chunks.
Your grammar is very good, with a few blubs here and there. (I once heard, "Don't trust anybody who'd rather be grammatically correct than have a good time.")
Vary with words, through in some pronouns and adverbs every now and then. Don't think you're overusing a word, because you might not be.
Ignore limits. Write what you think first, edit later. Don't think about rules or expectations. Think outside the box and really go at the big picture.
I can't wait for the next chapter!
Good Work!
~kiley

Thank you kiley & i'll PM you when I post the the next chapter, I'm glad you're so intersted .. I seriously can't believe people are reading my stuff hehe & by the way I love your picture thingy at the side of your name .. very good & yep I'll always be betting on Alice (: hehe
Lucyy xx

Okay, I enjoyed this but I felt it was kind of cliché. You gave us all the clues as to who was going to be her secret, her love who left her. Matt. But you did have a cute little scene going. I just would have liked to see, again, more detail. What do their uniforms look like? What does the grounds look like? Stuff like that really pull the story together.

Now, about your plot, you can keep it as it is because I think you have an adorable thought going and I loved your prologue so don’t change anything. What you can change about this chapter is make it more mysterious, make it that maybe she doesn’t find him interesting or something. Make it your own!

Keep on Writing, Lucyy!

Thank you for reviewing & critiquing this ashleylee, I will take everything you said on board, when I get back to altering this.
& by the way, I just thought I'd let you know that Matt isn't the 'love' that left her in the prologue (: lol, I had no idea I was giving that impression d:
Thank you again,
Lucyy xx