Goodbye Cruel World

Goodbye Cruel World!

"Goodbye cruel world" she had said like a melodramatic soap.
No, she can't be serious.
There has to be a proper way to kill yourself;
Better than scribbling "I hate me" pathetically on paper,
or saying her "momma never loved" her.
She could be tougher.

She could learn to get up on her feet and fight;
Push through life with a bullet and knife;
and look back, relax and soak it all in;
Chillin' on her death bed with her soul "sinkin'" in
"to the abyss" of heaven or of hell
And lookin' back on life and thinkin' it was swell.

So much better,
She could have been.
Like Yoda to Skywalker,
She could've sung to her children tales of the force.
Yeah, she was a force to reckon with,
With a noose around her neck
and a dagger on her wrist
Shit...

"Goodbye cruel world" she had scribbled on the paper
like a melodramatic soap
She can't be serious.
Furious?
At what the fates done wrote
because her “soul was sinkin' in”
and she “was gonna choke”
on life?
Cough and die.

This shit ain't serious.

Heya!

Let me fix the grammer mistakes first.



"Goodbye cruel world" she had said like a melodramatic soap.

No, she can't be serious.

There has to be a proper way to kill yourself;

Better than scribbling "I hate me" pathetically on paper,

or saying her "momma never loved" her.

She could be tougher.


She could learn to get up on her feet and fight;

Push through life with a bullet and knife;

and look back, relax and soak it all in;

Chillin'( This would sound better if you put chilling instead of chillin’) on her death bed with her soul "sinkin'" (again, sinking instead of sinkin’) in

"to the abyss" of heaven or of hell (add comma after this) (also capitalize ‘to’)

And lookin' (looking) back on life and thinkin'(thinking) it was swell.


So much better,

She could have been.

Like Yoda to Skywalker,

She could've sung to her children tales of the force.

Yeah, she was a force to reckon with,

With a noose around her neck (comma)

and a dagger on her wrist (capitalize ‘and’)

Shit...


"Goodbye cruel world" she had scribbled on the paper (comma)

like a melodramatic soap (capitalize ‘like’)

She can't be serious.

Furious? (I liked this)

At what the fates done wrote (comma)

because her “soul was sinkin' (sinking) in” (comma) (capitalize because)

and she “was gonna (going to) choke” (capitalize ‘and’)

on life? (capitalize ‘on’)

Cough and die.



I really hate doing that part, I just sound so mean! Anyways, half way through I noticed that you were using all the sinkin' and chillin' and thinkin' kind of on purpose, so scratch my crits on those parts, I apologise.

Besides that, I really liked this poem, it really describes the whole scenario quite perfectly. Good work.

-Sadie

Don't forget, "This shit ain't serious" is actually my last line of the poem. Personally, I don't talk like that.

Hm...this wouldn't make a bad rap single.

Haha, so you understand my obsession with rhythm, but no, I'm no rapper. This is spoken word.

The best part of this was the first stanza, I love the way you wrote that. Especially "she could be tougher" - I like the way you see this from the other side. It's not a self-pitying emo poem in any way and that's refreshing, it's much more cynical and dark and angry. I like that =D

The only thing I didn't like very much was the speech marks. I understand they're quotes from her suicide letter, but it just broke everything up, the rhythm got lost because I put those parts into a little chunk that was separate, and they aren't really that separate.

So much better,
She could have been.
Like Yoda to Skywalker,

That was a bit weird as well. So much better she could have been - is that meant to be like Yoda all backwards? I mean, even if you did it on purpose it still sounded weird to me in a bad way.

The first stanza had the best rhythm, and was perfect to be said out loud. But by just the third stanza, this concentration seems to disappear. The lines seem more random and unconnected. I did like how the last stanza began:

"Goodbye cruel world" she had scribbled on the paper

like a melodramatic soap

She can't be serious.

Furious?

At what the fates done wrote

because her “soul was sinkin' in”

and she “was gonna choke”

on life?

Cough and die.

But "cough and die" seems unnecessarily contrary to all the rhythm and rhyme that the poem had built up too, much like the last line, "this shit ain't serious".

She could learn to get up on her feet and fight;

This line doesn't really mean anything. There's no basis for her to be "fighting" and it sounds unnecessary and hollow in context.

My favorite part of this poem is the concentration on the phrase "goodbye cruel world" and making it into something different.