Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Xena · 2008-07-19T11:52:28Z

She glanced over her shoulder, then back at him. “It's almost sunset,” she said as the sun slowly started to melt behind her; turning the sky into a sweet citrus honey. “Will you follow me?” she asked. “Please.” “I…I don’t…who are you?…” he stuttered. Her eyes fluttered, elliptical and elegant. “Those eyes—they’re beautiful,” he thought. He admired them like a painter’s masterpiece. They reminded him of a butterflies wings; a radiating whirlpool of brilliant color and pattern, intricate and stunning. “Those eyes…” he thought, “flawless.” “Thank you,” she said. Her mosaic eyes flashed in the sinking light like a stained glass cathedral. “Don’t be scared now, follow me into the sky. We’ll watch the clouds flirt with the stars while the gracious moon smiles and sings. Please?..." Her dark hair danced in the light breeze, swift and fine. He imagined a billion threads of silk, each one shinier and softer than the next. “Is she real? Is she an angel?” he wondered. “But… I don’t think I can… I can’t leave, what about my wife and kids? What about— "Don’t worry about that, they’ll be fine, you’ll see everybody soon enough. Now,…. Please, follow me." She turned around. Her white gown twirled in the air, as gentle and sweet as a mother’s kiss. She looked back at him. Faint sounds of white dust and dreams beat like drums off in the distance. He took a slow step forward, and then another, then another. They embraced and intertwined like trees in an ancient forest, like DNA transferring through mating snakes. Then her bright fluorescent eyes sunk into her head, leaving behind two dark, hallow craters. It started to get hot. He blinked and looked around: death, fire and brimstone, everywhere. His foot was shackled to a molten rock. The foul stench of sulfur made love and bore a family inside his nostrils. Then he noticed there was a red dwarf with a goat head and the horns of a bull behind him, poking him in the ass with a pitchfork. “Well I’ll be damned,” he grumbled, shaking his head, “great… just fuckin great. I knew I should have stayed home today.” now its you go... (comments/criteeks)

unsterblichkeit36

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Points 890

Reviews 12

Fri Aug 15, 2008 4:12 pm

unsterblichkeit36 says... · Fri Aug 15, 2008 4:12 pm

Wow. How can there be too much similies and metaphores? It's called DESCRIPTION!

-SaraRose

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ahavayafeh

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Fri Aug 15, 2008 6:25 pm

ahavayafeh says... · Fri Aug 15, 2008 6:25 pm

i love the fact that it is detailed...... It's easier for one to see what going on .. rather than just reading what going on .... 5 kudos to you

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LOLLIPOPGIRL030

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Points 890

Reviews 21

Fri Nov 28, 2008 1:54 am

LOLLIPOPGIRL030 says... · Fri Nov 28, 2008 1:54 am

60, huh? Hope I can write like this when I'm that old.

The sensory words are AMAZING!!! I like reading a story that makes you feel like you're expericencing the whole thing. The angel/hellon/ i dont know what seems really cool and I would love to read more. How she came across that man, I dont know, but I would love to see how he copes.

Keep writing!

Dont say we're not right for each other. The way I see it, we're not meant for anyone else.

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PerpetualBhridge

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Points 1690

Reviews 11

Fri Nov 28, 2008 5:13 pm

PerpetualBhridge says... · Fri Nov 28, 2008 5:13 pm

Awesome, are you going to continue? pleeease continue. The descriptions are lovely and you set up a lot of questions, that I do think need to be answered...please?

Just one tiny thing, though: in the first few paragraphs, when he's thinking, instead of using quotations, italicize, it just looks and reads so much better.

"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."-Douglas Adams

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