Masterpeice

Masterpiece

You feel the vibration of the drum rolls that jam on.

You visualize the mountaintops from the poem that is so long.

You cry when you lose, and you smile when you win.

You commit the crimes.

You do the sins.


You go to bed.

Uncomfortably shifting.

You can’t lay you’re head.

You know something is missing.


Guilt has got you.

Like a shock.

You get out of bed.

Voices in your head that mock.


You grab a notepad.

Tears drop on each word.

The words you are putting down.

The apologies you make.

Words fit like a crown.

You hug the notepad.

Still with a frown.

You know the time is now.


You go outside.

You take in a breath.

Clean air inside.

Clean out the bad.
You still can’t help

That you are sad.


You go inside,

And it goes without you noticing.

You had dropped your notepad.

It suddenly starts rolling.




It blows in the wind.

In all directions.

It falls in the hands of another.


The next day you awake.

You turn on the news.

The poem you had made.

Is everywhere…

In the newspapers too.

People are quoting you left to right.


And you find yourself in front of a breathtaking sight.

Your friends are there.

In tears of joy.

Come to tell you how they forgive.

They hug you.

They love you…..

You got your wish.



And all your friends from west and east.

They came to tell you,

“It was a masterpiece.”

aww, that's cute i love the ending where it says "they come to tell you it's "a masterpiece"" That's really cute!!!!I don't have any correction you did all of it right and I came to tell you It's a masterpiece when I read this though I really wanted to figure out what the poem is! !



-Lulu

Whats the poem portraying. I do agree though that it is a masterpiece.

I think that the poem needs a bit more feeling to it, I can see it comes form the heart and that you've put alot of time and effort into it.

whats the poem all about? it would be nice to know that


any way it is a gret poem... pm me when you post anything else

Some very good imagery here, with some rather clever rhymes too.
However as much as I'd love to prattle on with praise, I am not allowed. *grimaces*
So let us begin?:

All he full stops, which followed every line; made the feel a bit stilted and jittery. Somewhat like cycling down a cobbled hill.
Unless you did this on purpose to make the reader feel the discomfort of the narrator...hmm maybe

The piece, was not long at all. However the format made it very unattractive - nobody likes it when the scroll bar goes on into forever

My final and most important point to make: is that this poem seemed to me, a little confused. It did not have a definite message to give, it sort of jumped from one emotion to another, and one topic to the next etc. I can get what you are getting at though - the emotions felt when you are trying to apologize to somebody ect ect. Alas this was not very clear.

I think i know the reason for some of the problems with this poem. I think that perhaps, you, like me get caught up in the intensity of your inspiration. With that you are over eager to jump into writing and pour your soul onto the screen - in doing so loosing whatever impression you want to leave with your reader.

You obviously have talent and a goo understanding of poetic language. Keep at it my dear chuck.

Love
Kris
x

Oh man i enjoyed this poem thoroughly. There is only one real person you really should write for, that person being yourself, a writers only real responsibility is to his or her self. And when you write something and kinda let it out, let a few friends read it, and they get some others to read it and suddenly you submit it here and there and its good, and you recognize its good, even though you had no intention of it being good or bad. You just wanted it there for its is-ness.

I think the formating was excellent, it made the reader follow each step of an accidental poem superbly. Keep it right up.

If I've missed the mark at all you tell me alright.