Magic Carpet Ride - Chapter One {unfinished}

Sorry I will try hard to finish things in future before posting. I know this is poor but I really needed to put it somewhere that wasn't my head >.< There is a prologue for this too (: So read that first

Can I also explain that this first chapter is set a year before the prologue, and will continue on throughout that year and lead back up to the prologue (if that makes sense)

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Saturday 10th March 2007



Late morning, I logged into MSN, conversation pops up.

Hey when we meeting today?

Half 12

Who’s all going?

You, me, Emily and Hannah

Cools. Well I gotta go cya later xxxxx

Bye bye xoxox


I don’t know what I considered Jai as then, somewhere between a close acquaintance and a close friend. We cared about one another, and stuck up for one another. We just didn’t have the liveliest conversations. I liked showing off around him by trying to make more noise than everyone else around us. When the pair of us were just left to speak though, I went quiet.


That day we were going through to Perth. It was to visit Emily’s boy friend and Jai’s best friend, Euan. Despite the fact I was nearly thirteen and a half, going on the train was still a real novelty to me. That wasn’t half as bad as Hannah who squealed “Look! Sheep!” when we were on the train though.

I was trying really hard that day not to be a show off. I knew it made me look like an idiot and it must have pissed everyone else off. Jai however came into his own that day. Euan was distinctly distracted by Emily, which sort of left Jai, Hannah and myself. Whether it was to do with the fact Jai was Jai or just because Jai was a boy or even just because he knew where he was going, he became a right show off. He was leading the way, making all the jokes and generally ruling his own little empire that consisted of Hannah and me.

I couldn’t help but suck up to him. He walked down the road trying to put his arms around both me and Hannah saying “C’mon share the love.”

I was perfectly happy to “share the love”. Hannah backed away from Jai’s skinny arms.

Late morning, I logged into MSN, conversation pops up.

What about "Late in the morning, I logged on to MSN and our conversation pops up."?

Jai however came into his own that day

Maybe "Jai, however, came on his own that day."?

he became a right show off.

What about"...he became a show off."?

Yes, it was short but short is not always a bad thing. You didn't have much time so that makes the mistakes understandable.

Okay, not bad. The main problem you had was that you didn't describe anyone or anything. You just told us what happened. Also, even though the abbreviations like 'cya' and such are how real people talk on MSN it looks bad in writing, and I think it would be better to just use proper english, and if you want I guess acronyms would work (like lol or whatever you can think of).

I liked this because I could relate to it! All I can really think to say is to perhaps think about adding some description so we can imagine the characters and what's going on more clearly, as it is, a lot of it is left up to the imagination of the reader, which isn't necessarily a bad thing...

-Save-Ferris- wrote:Sorry I will try hard to finish things in future before posting. I know this is poor but I really needed to put it somewhere that wasn't my head >.< There is a prologue for this too (: So read that first

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Saturday 10th March 2007



Late morning, I logged into MSN, conversation pops up. I may just be ignorant because I don't MSN, but conversation pops up seems oddly phrased.

Hey when we meeting today?

Half 12

Who’s all going?

You, me, Emily and Hannah

Cools. Well I gotta go cya later xxxxx

Bye bye xoxox Well, you got the teen talk down.


I don’t know what I considered Jai as then, somewhere between a close acquaintance and a close friend. We cared about one another, and stuck up for one another. We just didn’t have the liveliest conversations. I liked showing off around him by trying to make more noise than everyone else around us. When the pair of us were just left to speak though, I went quiet.


That day we were going through to Perth. It was to visit Emily’s boy friend and Jai’s best friend, Euan. Despite the fact I was nearly thirteen and a half, going on the train was still a real novelty to me. Though that wasn’t half as bad as Hannah[]b,[/b] who squealed, “Look! Sheep!” when we were on the train [s]though[/s].

I was trying really hard that day not to be a show off. I knew it made me look like an idiot and it must have pissed everyone else off. Jai however came into his own that day. Euan was distinctly distracted by Emily, which sort of left Jai, Hannah and myself. Whether it [s]was[/s] had to do with the fact Jai was Jai, or just because [s]Jai[/s] he was a boy, or even just because he knew where he was going, he became a right show off right show off? Seems oddly phrased.. He was leading the way, making all the jokes and generally ruling his own little empire[]b:[/b] [s]that consisted of[/s] Hannah and me.

I couldn’t help but suck up to him. He walked down the road, trying to put his arms around both me and Hannah and saying[]b,[/b] “C’mon share the love.”

I was perfectly happy to “share the love.”[s].[/s] Hannah backed away from Jai’s skinny arms.

Okay here we go.

There were a few grammar mistakes, nothing major, and I think I caught all of them. Also, the bold words were just substitutions that I thought would fit better and help the flow.

Now, you're a good writer, but with this piece I'm not really sure where it's going, or even if you know where it's going. With the first half, it seemed like a cheating chick flick, but now I'm not sure. You might want to clear that up, with yourself at the least, so you don't end up just blabbing in text.

Also, it's very short, so I can't really comment much on your writing style. I'll have to read more of this story to be able to go more in depth.

Late morning, I logged into MSN, conversation pops up. --- MAYBE YOU COULD SAY "IT WAS LATE MORNING WHEN I WAS ON MSN WHEN A CONVERSATION POPPED UP" I THINK THAT SOUNDS BETTER


Hey when we meeting today? --- COMMA AFTER HEY AND AFTER WHEN PUT THE WORD "ARE" IN


Half 12 --- IT WOULD SOUND BETTER IF YOU SAID "ABOUT 12:30"


Who’s all going?


You, me, Emily and Hannah ---- COMMA AFTER Emily


Cools. Well I gotta go cya later xxxxx


Bye bye xoxox



I don’t know what I considered Jai [s]as[/s] RIGHT then, somewhere between a close acquaintance and a close friend. We cared about one another, and stuck up for one another. We just didn’t have the liveliest conversations. I liked showing off around him by trying to make more noise than [s]everyone[/s] ANYONE else around us. When the pair of us were just left to speak though, I went quiet.



That day we were going through to Perth. It was to visit Emily’s boy friend and Jai’s best friend, Euan. Despite the fact I was nearly thirteen and a half, going on the train was still a real novelty to me. That wasn’t half as bad as Hannah who squealed “Look! Sheep!” when we were on the train [s]though[/s]. --- NO NEED FOR THOUGH


I was trying really hard that day not to be a show off. I knew it made me look like an idiot and it must have pissed everyone else off. Jai however came into his own that day. Euan was [s]distinctly[/s] -- I THINK THAT THE WORD I STRIKED OUT IS REALLY NOT NEEDED AND IT MAKES IT SOUND WIERD distracted by Emily, which sort of left Jai, Hannah and myself. Whether it was to do with the fact Jai was Jai or just because Jai was a boy or even just because he knew where he was going, he became a right show off. He was leading the way, making all the jokes and generally ruling his own little empire that consisted of Hannah and me.


I couldn’t help but suck up to him. He walked down the road trying to put his arms around both me and Hannah saying “C’mon share the love.”


I was perfectly happy to “share the love”. Hannah backed away from Jai’s skinny arms.--- THIS LINE IS ODD BECAUSE IF HE HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHY WOULD SHE WANT TO BE THAT FRIENDLY THAT QUICKLY AND THE PART WHERE HANNAH BACKED OFF OF HIS ARM THAT NEEDS TO BE FIXED ALSO

I'M SORRY IF IT TOOK A WHILE, I'M AT MY SISTERS HOUSE AN HOUR AWAY FROM MY HOUSE AND THEY JUST GOT THE INTERNET HOOKED UP SO I JUST GOT ON AND I DID THIS RIGHT AWAY. OVERALL IT WAS AN OK PEICE AND IT WAS REALLY SHORT FOR A CHAPTER BUT A GOOD ONE

PM ME WHEN YOU NEED ANOTHER CRITIQUE OR POST IT IN MY " WILL REVIEW FOR FOOD POST"

---Jon---

Hey again,

Who’s all going?

"Who is all going?" sounds awkward, and doesn't make sense even in chat. How about just: "Who's going?"

Late morning, I logged into MSN, conversation pops up.

Colon instead of full stop. I also think that just before this there should be some emotion or description, perhaps a hint to the rest of the day since it's a diary.

Hey when we meeting today?
Half 12
Who’s all going?
You, me, Emily and Hannah
Cools. Well I gotta go cya later xxxxx
Bye bye xoxox

This should all be in italics.

Following the next paragraph I am confused. So, Jai was in the conversation but after yesterday she doesn't even think to ask him about the phone call? The setup just doesn't feel believable, as if we aren't inside Ivy's head like before. Certainly we need to understand her like I said. This doesn't flow with the previous entry, as of yet there's been no connection.

That day we were going through to Perth.

Should be 'today'.

I was trying really hard [s]that day[/s] today not to be a show off.

Showing not telling! Although what I have said before certainly still applies, this above all seems to be very rushed to both write and read almost. We don't know anything

about Ivy--why would she want to show off? What did she do? How did it affect others? This seems a little unorganised, as if we are missing something--the audience. You must have heard of 'showing not telling' before. Just to go through--instead of pretending the reader is a hundred miles off let us be Ivy's best friend for a while, let us feel what she does. If we were there we should know what it is Ivy did to stop showing off. I think this is a missing key to your work so far, and with it comes the description and emotion.

Hannah and myself. Whether it was to do with the fact Jai was Jai or just because Jai was a boy or even just because he knew where he was going, he became a right show off. He was leading the way, making all the jokes and generally ruling his own little empire that consisted of Hannah and me.

Hanna and myself, Hanna and me. The first example seems fine with me but the second, although some more descriptions, doesn't hold a lot of strength. How about: "and generally attempting to rule his own little world of Hanna and I." Just a few key arrangements makes some great results.

I was perfectly happy to “share the love”. Hannah backed away from Jai’s skinny arms.

The final sentence is not really how I personally would end a diary entry and certainly doesn't follow the same pacing as the rest--have a summary, or even a conclusion of the day, relate it to the last. We don't know what any of the characters look like and my biggest drawback is the fact that it feels as if you completely ignored the previous chapter. No awkward silences, confrontations or conflicts?

A few things to consider, keep it up!

Thanks for both your reviews (:

Em can I just clear up that despite the dates, it isn't actually supposed to be a diary >.<

The prologue, chapter one and later on in the book are the only places I plan on having dates. It's just to stop confsuing between skipping back a year

Oh right, no problem them