Mr. Perfect

Hey everyone, I wrote this based on my actual life. So, yes it is true but I thought it belonged here. I know this is short but it is only the beginning of a very long chapter of my life. Thanks to anyone that reads it!!! Critics and reviews more then welcome!

Oh, and to anyone who is wondering about my other story 'Aphrodite's Daughter' it is still down for work, but it is being worked on! Thanks again!

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My name is of no consequence, for this story to be told it doesn’t matter. No, nothing in the world matters except him. Mr. Perfect. I want to tell you of him, and this amazing tale. It is true, every word that I will tell you. For the purpose of this I have changed all names, including my own. Yet you are not reading this to know my story, no, you are reading this to know of the man who is perfect in every single way and that he saved me and destroyed me all at the same time. This is where our story begins…

***

I walk through the hallways of my mundane high school, my best friend at my side. It is Friday and we only have a few weeks left of school. Around us people shout out to one another, crude language and laughter all mixing together.

“So did you turn in your writing project?” I raised my voice to be heard over the din of the cafeteria. Jordan nodded.

“Miss. Maynard said it was funny but I turned it in a day late so yea…” Jordan trailed off, not looking that worried. I laughed as we sat down at our over crowded lunch table.

“Did you make an extra copy?” I asked, my eyes raked her bag, trying to x-ray it. Jordan rolled her eyes at my eagerness. Her hand slipped in her bag and pulled out a neatly typed paper, it was only three pages.

“Remember that I wrote it at like, two in the morning.” she said as she turned away to talk to more people. I waved my hand vaguely as I started to read. I laughed a lot, she had written her characters to imitate all of her friend perfectly. It sounded a lot like any conversation we had all had. When I finished with her paper I hit her on the head with it. She turned to me, annoyed.

“Well, that really wasn’t necessary.” she said as she took back her paper. I shrugged and asked,

“Who was that guy you had me dating? He seems really sweet.”

“Oh, Leo? He is sweet, he is actually kind of perfect. He lives in London, I can give you his myspace if you want.”

“Okay.” I responded with a smile. The rest of the day went by in a blur of color and motion, my days were so much the same that I barely noticed the passing of time anymore. When I reached the familiar walls of my room I sighed, nothing had changed, nothing had become more exciting.

Shrugging out of my sweater that I wore even in the 80 degree day I sat down at my computer. I started on my homework, not a difficult task in my opinion.

My screen buzzed. Thankfully taking my eyes off the rudimentary Spanish worksheet I checked my inbox. I had a message from Jordan.

Amanda, If you want to talk to Leo he is on my friends list. His user name is his name, lol. He is online now. Oh, I also found a new band, awesome right?

My fingers made mistakes as I hastily typed back a reply.

Jordan, Thanks. I will send him an e-mail right now…what should I say? A new band? Would I like them?

Sending that off I quickly went to Jordan’s friends list. When I reached Leo’s page my jaw dropped. Jordan had told me that he was hot, but I had not been expecting this. He was not hot, not at all. He was so much more.

He was beautiful.

oooh. This is awesome already! Are you Planning on writing more? I hope you are.
I don't like cliff-hangers! The suspense is terrible! Keep writing.

Well, that definately sounds like high school, especially the mundane parts. bleackh. *gags at the thought of going back in a month* The dialogue is good but it could definately be refined a bit to make it sound a bit more dramatic (we are writers, drama should be our lives.)

I walk through the hallways of my mundane high school, my best friend at my side. It is Friday and we only have a few weeks left of school.

I would change it up just a bit. I read it over and over and I couldn't shake the feeling that you're using the work school to close to each other. May I suggest "I walk through the hallways of my mundane high school, my best friend at my side. It's Friday and the year is almost over"

Also, i'm not so sure if mundane needs to be their, it feels like a bad place for an adjective.



Other than that, I liked it. It really struck a cord with me because, well, I have a nasty habit of falling for E-boys. Anyway, best of luck, and I'll be sure to watch for updates.

Hello there again, Oms! It's nice to be reading something of yours again. I'm not so sure how happy you are to be hearing from me again, however. Heh. I can imagine your thoughts: "Oh no, the girl that points out every little mistake!" xD

For the purpose of this I have changed all names, including my own.

Put a comma between "this" and "I".

Yet you are not reading this to know my story, no, you are reading this to know of the man who is perfect in every single way and that he saved me and destroyed me all at the same time.

This sentence is a bit long and it would be very thankful to the dear author be two. Put a period after "story" and capitalize no. Oh dear... I've done it! I've actually made a personification of a sentence! I'm officially crazy! ):

I walk through the hallways of my mundane high school, my best friend at my side. It is Friday and we only have a few weeks left of school. Around us people shout out to one another, crude language and laughter all mixing together.

Okay, so you begin the story in present tense and the rest of the story is in past tense. Change things like "walk" to "walked", "it is" to "it was", "have" to "had", and "shout" to "shouted".

“Miss. Maynard said it was funny but I turned it in a day late so yea…”

The period after "Miss" is not needed. Also "yea" should be "yeah". Jordan's not from the Bible, you know. xD

Her hand slipped in her bag and pulled out a neatly typed paper, it was only three pages.

Semicolon in place of the comma.

I laughed a lot, she had written her characters to imitate all of her friend perfectly.

Semicolon in place of the comma, again. Also, "friend" should be plural.

“Well, that really wasn’t necessary.” she said as she took back her paper.

Remember, commas when you're finishing dialogue. It should like so: "...wasn’t necessary,” she said as...

“Oh, Leo? He is sweet, he is actually kind of perfect. He lives in London, I can give you his myspace if you want.”

Eeeh! Mr. Perfect really is perfect now that I know he's British! Capitalize "Myspace".

“Okay.” I responded with a smile. The rest of the day went by in a blur of color and motion, my days were so much the same that I barely noticed the passing of time anymore.

Make everything in this paragraph a new paragraph after the first sentence.

Anyway, that's that. This is a very good start, with a few minor mistakes. I'm very eager to get to know more about Leo (imagine me wiggling my figures like I just saw something incredibly delicious to eat). Heh. I really liked this; it all seemed very real and believable. I liked the way you got Leo into the story. It wasn't like all of the sudden, Leo popped out of nowhere. It was a smooth introduction, and really quite good.

PM me when you get the next chapter so I don't miss it!

Holly.

Writing for love is a pas: Thank you so much!!! I am planning on writing more, this is only the beginning of a long chapter of my life


Lilith: Thank you so much for reading my story! For the dialogue, this is based on my real life so I tried to go for things that my friends and I would say. I will see what I can do...
Thanks again!


Bittersweet: Thank you so much for reading my story! Of course I want to hear from you! Your review helps me a lot when I revise and continue writing. I will work on everything that you pointed out, thank you! You are much too kind!


Thanks again to guys for reading my story! I am so glad that you guys liked it! You guys made my week!

I like it. It felt really real. I can't wait to read more!

A few things...
There were a some run on sentences/ awkward phrasings.

Yet you are not reading this to know my story, no, you are reading this to know of the man who is perfect in every single way and that he saved me and destroyed me all at the same time

This sentence is awkward, maybe because it's a long. But I would split it into two sentences.

I walk through the hallways of my mundane high school, my best friend at my side. It is Friday and we only have a few weeks left of school. Around us people shout out to one another, crude language and laughter all mixing together.

The closeness of the word school kind of throws it. Consider dropping the second school so it reads "... and we only have a few weeks left." Or just refigure that section.

Some grammer stuff, but I'm not so good at that stuff so I'll leave it to others.

But I like it and can't wait to read more. PM me when you put more up?

Well I see all the nit picking has been done so I get to give you one of those reviews that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

I really liked this. It had that vibe of reality (which you've already told us it is real) But you put something in it that makes people want to read more

I would've liked more description but that can be fixed easily.

Great job! Can't wait to read more.

~Rachael

I walk through the hallways of my mundane high school, my best friend at my side.

Jordan trailed off, not looking that worried. I laughed as we sat down at our over crowded lunch table.

In those two sentences you not only changed tenses you changed your style of writing in a very noticable way.

When I reached the familiar walls of my room I sighed, nothing had changed, nothing had become more exciting

Nothing in the earier text had shown anything about her not being content with how boring her life is. You mention that theres only a few weeks of school left earlier but you didn't put in any emotion into it, if she's uber excited or if she's kinda sad, it would also help to know what grade she's in.

Very abrupt ending, not much going on there. But you mentioned it only being one chapter of your life. Which has me wondering if its going to get more or less interesting. How the reader would see it: unless you actually met the guy it would get more boring. That'd be the simplest and most cliche version. There are other ways to work around that, I'd tell them to you but they sound cool and unfortunately for you I'd like to keep them for myself.

If there is a part two make sure to PM me please! I'm liking it so far. Great plot potential in lots of directions.

shelbell: Thank you so much! I will make sure to work on those two things. Of course I will PM you, I am so glad that you enjoyed it!

Vampy_Girl15: Thank you! Your review did make me feel all fuzzy on the inside! This is very thin description for me, in my last story I was told that I over described so I am still seaching for that happy medium. I will be more then happy to go back and fix that, thank you!

Alice: Thanks, I will make sure to work on what you pointed out. I will deffinatly go back and put more emotion and detail into the story. Um...Thank you? I think I know what you are talking about and lucky for me I already have the polt line in my head, no worries, I know where I am taking this story. Thank you again!

Thanks to the three of you for reviewing my story it helped a lot and it feels great knowing that people liked it! Thank you again, you guys rock!

The bad thing about writing a story and telling people that it's about your life is that when they review it and tell you it isn't that good, it might hurt more than if it were 'just a story'. Fiction, that is.

CHARACTERS: (I think I'll ignore the fact that this is technically about you, it will make things less awkward). The characters were dull. They had little about them that would grab a good writers attention and the dialogue reflected their lack of color. To remedy this you simply need to use your imagination. Give the characters odd quirks and funny things to say. Talk about their stories and how they became friends and why they enjoy eachothers company.

Ask yourself questions about them. What would they do if they got lost at the airport and someone who called himself Jack The Ripper struck up a conversation with them? What is their favorite pasttime and their favorite color? Why do they love these things? Do they have any other life than whatever stupid drama happens at highschool? Is their anything they would die for?

If you can answer these questions and make the characters more compelling, the story will be much better.

PLOT/DESCRIPTION: Let's start with the plot: dull. Unfortunately, everyone has heard this story a hundred times. People that like it have very little imagination and are trapped in the mundane and thoughtless world you speak of. If you like romance then try to avoid highschools. If you like highschools and romance, try to use your imagination. Make it something extraordinary.

Honestly, just look outside of the box. Try to peak through the web of pointlessness that reigns in higschool. Try to think of something entirely NEW.

Onto the description...there was none. You don't describe the school or the people or her room and that is all the story is about so we're kind of lost. What does Jordan look like and how does it make sense with her personality? What does the main character look like? What does the school smell like, feel like, look like? You MUST use description or the story is useless. The reader wants to be able to see what is going on and feel like they are there. Ask questions. Be curious. Please.

Well, that's all for today. I hope you work on this and make it into something good like it deserves. PM me if you have any questions.

This is a cute thought, Mars. And this is real? This actually happened to you? Now I’m really excited to read more of this!

The only thing is that you made is so short. I felt that you didn’t include enough info in this first chapter to really catch the readers attention, you know? Try to expand some of your thoughts here to really pull the reader in. Right now, I feel like you are just giving us the flips side of the story. Romances do have ugly sides as well so go ahead and explore that aspect. Don't make it so "Smiles and Love" Give your story its own personality!

Otherwise, off to chapter two!

i want to read more! i can't believe this really happened to you, it must have been so cool. I cant wait to read the next part, oh i hate/love cliffhangers!

Hello.
I really enjoyed this. I know it is only the beginning, but I can already feel the charactersiation. There were a few things that could be improved, such as the conversations felt a little wooden. Other than that, I thought it was really good.
the last sentence really rounded it up, but left me wanting more! A little annoying as there was nothing more to read.
you sound like you have a really interesting life, I cannot wait to find out more!

Good Luck!