Poem I wrote when I was 12...

“Miss Alexandra”

As the wind blew the curtains a sway,

Miss Alexandra passed away.

The eye of heaven so radiantly shined on her lonely tomb,

Throngs of mourners, weeping, stood above her black casket, murmuring distant memories,

And as the sun grew tired, it cast a dying shadow upon her somber throne.

Then night crept up the fog of the land,

Silently weeping,

Ever so softly,

Over the dark night it was creeping.

Alone and encased in death's eternal shade,

Miss Alexandra rose from her grave.

Her chambers so dearly missed her,

And she heard it's silent cry,

As she drifted into her room,

Her dolls, flowers, and clocks abloom,

Left untouched by nothing but dust

Since she fell in her tomb.

There she stayed until midnight,

Laughing merrily in all her mirth

Till a servant boy down the hall thought he heard—

Miss Alexandra, the fairest maiden his eyes ever rested upon.

“Nonsense!” said he, “Surely she is dead.”

But out of curiosity—

Oh, just a peek!

And he saw the glimmering tendrils

Of a goddess-like woman with pink about her cheeks,

A shining pair of feline green eyes, a white gown, and a pair of white shoes on her feet.

Her dead gaze casted upon him,

And he screamed in fright, fleeing down her lonely hall,

Overtaken by the sight.

She giggled a ghostly whisper that slithered down the halls,

And haunted the decaying matter of the empty walls.

She returned to her tea, staring into the deep abyss,

And who was the dame in the reflection?

It was she.

Miss Alexandra had passed away,

Surely it was true!

But why did he see this phantom beauty standing before the orb of the moon?

He dismissed his not so sane notions,

Berating himself for believing,

That Miss Alexandra was not really in her tomb sleeping.

The End

Hi there!

I really liked the idea that you tried to put behind your poem here, that it was about a young girl who dies and comes back for some midnight games, yet I felt that the poem didn't really manage to show that in some points. It felt a bit all over the place in some parts.

Here are some things I thought should change:

Throngs of mourners, weeping, stood above her black casket, Remove the , it's not really needed here murmuring distant memories, Take out the comma and use a period instead

Then night crept up the fog of the land,
Silently weeping,
Ever so softly,
Over the dark night it was creeping.

This doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem, if it's the chambers that are weeping, you need to make it a bit more clearer that it's them, and even then the last line doesn't fit.

As she drifted into her room, take out the comma, use a semi-colon there

Since she fell in her tomb. I'm not sure if it's meant to be in or into here, depends on how you want to take it.

“Nonsense!” said he, “Surely she is dead.” Get rid of the comma.

Her dead gaze casted upon him, Make it cast, not casted.

But why did he see this phantom beauty standing before the orb of the moon? Take "the orb of the moon and make it a new line"

He dismissed his not so sane notions, Comma should be a period

Thank you for your feedback. Really appreciate.

Hi there!

I see that you have posted two things without doing any reviews at all. I just wanted to let you know that you need to do two reviews before posting anything. keeping a nice two to one ratio of reviews to posts. That way everyone gets a little feed back.

I would also like to let you know that you need to check out the rules and guidelines before posting anything else.

Anything else you need to ask, just PM me, and I will do my best to help you out.



Best of luck,

OverEasy

"She giggled a ghostly whisper that slithered down the halls,



And haunted the decaying matter of the empty walls."

exnay the word "empty."


seriously, besides the mass repitition of the word "tomb," this is precioussss.

but why only post things from when you were twelve. do something recent, darling!

describing the feel of a ghost seems weird but still the imagination of action was great.
such poems need to be more descriptive.
i should appriciate your brave attempt .
personally i liked the poetry.
it was a great feeling for a ghost to lookat its reflection.......

Hey there!

Well, you have some very original ideas. However, there are (as always) a couple of things that we can easily iron out.

Firstly, this poem was way too long! It also appears to be in the wrong category: it read more like narrative poetry than lyric. But anyway - it needs cutting down. I lost the storyline amid the tired sun and eye of heaven and things. Pare it back and let the story tell itself how it wants telling and needs telling.

You also have too many images; your piece is cluttered with them! Focus on one or two that really stand out; build the lines around them. That way, your fantastic similes and metaphors will become much more powerful.

The one part of this poem that I really had an issue with was:

"Miss Alexandra, the fairest maiden his eyes ever rested upon.
“Nonsense!” said he, “Surely she is dead.”
But out of curiosity—
Oh, just a peek!"

The 'Oh, just a peek!' sounds pretentious and destroys the flow of the piece. It is intruding. Either please get rid of it or say: 'Out of curiosity, he lifted the coffin lid.'

Like I said, this does have some really great ideas. Just de-clutter the poem and let them shine!

Best,

Gahks



6/10