Delihla Bee- a girl who lives in Hell, literally

My name is Delihla Bee.

I try to pretend my family is at least semi-normal and some of the time it works! But other times... well it's a living- hell, literally.

I live in Hell, you know the big red firey place? But sadly it is not what most people think it is. It's actually pretty boring. We walk, talk and shop like when we were alive. In fact last decade I bought a new deamon that actuallly burps fire when you feed it pomagranets! But to be short and sweet Hell is simply where every one who dies goes, until they are reborn. The rest you probably know, if you were good your reborn quikly otherwise, well ya... and unfortunatly I have been down here for six million years and truthfully, it sucks.

Now comes the interesting part, because if i don't explain to you how the system works down here, you will get all upset when I call my little brother a slime ball. See, when a soul comes down they take on a form that "suits" them. My father is a giant rock like man completly covered in granite, my mother, well she's a harpie, screeching voice and all. Then comes my little brother and as you can guess... he's an alian slime ball. Seven tenticals, goey slimey skin and worst of all he smells like he was left in the sewers for weeks on end. But I guess I can't be that upset, back when I was alive my two living brothers smelt almost the same. Then comes me, the only person who has the form I have (and sadly species only "look" at the same species) and I got stuck as a human.

So I am going to tell you my story the only way I know how, sarcasting and pretty much filled with anger, so to all who have weeks hearts, see you at the end of my book!




*So thats more of an intro, please be harsh. I dont sually write this style, but I thought hey why not?

But other times... well it's living hell- literally.

I think.

I live in Hell. But it is not what most people think it is. It is simply where every one who dies goes, until they are reborn.

I also have a little brother, and big shocker here-he's an alien slime ball!

see, every one gets a form that suits them and, unfortunately, I got stuck in a human form.

I don't know why that's unfortunate, but perhaps it will become clear later. Maybe because it's not cool?

Comments in red.

lulu_lizzrd wrote:My name is Delihla Bee.

I try to pretend that my family is at least semi-normal and some of the time it works! Cute concept, but I think that the sentence is too long to carry it to full effect. I'd try "I try and pretend that my family is semi-normal. Sometimes it works."But other times... well it's a living- hell, literally. Take out "literally". It seems kitchy--better to just move to "I live in Hell" and let readers go "Aha! Clever!"

I live in Hell. But it is not what most people think it is. Simplify this. "It's not how you think it is" or something. It is simply where every one who dies goes, until they are reborn. See, when a soul dies they are sent down here and, depending on how good of a person they were when they lived back on earth the quicker they are reborn. Not loving this description. I think that you need to be a little less repetitive and use more interesting descriptions to get your point across. Dig deep! You've got a very conversational narrator--let her describe things as if she were talking to friends. It can get kind of confusing, especially deciding what a "good" or a "bad" soul is. But after you have been living down here for six thousand years (I apparently was a "superbly bad" soul), it all starts to click. I would move the "I apparently...soul" part to it's own line. It's one of those lines that shows off character, and deserves its own space.

When you die and come down from Earth, you take on a new form, most of the time. Show, don't tell. Describe the change in transformation. "The last time I was on Earth, I -insert description. Now, though..." (except not that exactly because it's pretty bad). My father is what you would call a "rock man", but hes only been around for about two years and mostly likely will be reborn soon. My mother well... she is a harpie and she keeps changing forms. I don't get the mother/father thing... Are they really related? I also have a little brother, and big shocker here- he's an alien slime ball. And I'm not just saying that because I would sell him to the under keeper if I could, it's because he truly is. Haha cute. He has slimy green skin and smells like a trash can left out in the sun. And of course I am the only one with the form I am in, see every one gets a form that suits them and unfortunately I got stuck in a human form. The sentence is too long and ponderous.

Okay, I've got good and bad news.

The good news is, you've got a nice sense of humor. It works really well for this character, and I'm really interested to read more.

The bad news? You're hiding it!

Give your character a bigger part of the stage. This is pretty short for an intro, so don't worry about making it too long. Let Delihla explore what she has to say and let her say it the way she needs to. I mean, she's been down there for six thousand years--I'm sure she's got a lot of commentary.

When I read what you've got, I sense a very snappy, sweetly dry character. Your sentence structure hides this, and you really need to clean it up for full effect. Shorten your sentences, or at least the ones containing commentary. Explore the meaning behind your other concepts. It'll give more punch and life to the beginning and really hook the reader.

Let me know if you continue!

Avens

lulu_lizzrd wrote:My name is Delihla Bee.

I try to pretend my family is at least semi-normal and some of the time it works! But other times... well it's a living- hell, literally. I don't really like exclamation points except in dialogue, but it's your choice.

I live in Hell. But it is not what most people think it is. It is simply where every one everyone (no space) who dies goes, until they are reborn. See, when a soul dies they are sent down here and, depending on how good of a person they were when they lived back on earth the quicker they are reborn. It can get kind of confusing, especially deciding what a "good" or a "bad" soul is. But after you have been living down here for six thousand years (I apparently was a "superbly bad" soul), it all starts to click. Is "superbly" really the word you want? It seems a little silly for the context. Also, some of your word choice is a little plain. Try spicing it up.

When you die and come down from Earth, you take on a new form, most of the time. My father is what you would call a "rock man", but hes only been around for about two years and mostly likely will be reborn soon. My mother well... she is a harpie and she keeps changing forms. I also have a little brother, and big shocker here- he's an alien slime ball. And I'm not just saying that because I would sell him to the under keeper if I could, it's because he truly is. He has slimy green skin and smells like a trash can left out in the sun. And of course I am the only one with the form I am in, see every one gets a form that suits them and unfortunately I got stuck in a human form. How is he really her "father" if he's only been there two years? Wouldn't that make her a lot older and more mature than him?


*So thats mor of an intro, please be harsh. I dont sually write this style, but I thought hey why not?

It's not bad for an intro, but it seems like a lot of info dumping all of a sudden. Maybe you should start with an exciting event after the first paragraph and work the information of the second paragraph into the story.

lulu_lizzrd wrote:My name is Delihla Bee.

I try to pretend my family is at least semi-normal and some of the time it works! But other times... well it's a living- hell, literally.

I live in Hell. But it is not what most people think it is. It is simply where every one who dies goes, until they are reborn. See, when a soul dies they are sent down here and, depending on how good of a person they were when they lived back on earth the quicker they are reborn. It can get kind of confusing, especially deciding what a "good" or a "bad" soul is. But after you have been living down here for six thousand years (I apparently was a "superbly bad" soul), it all starts to click.
......
You are telling too much too early. Rather than simply stating the workings off hell you might want to show it. Give a scenario. It makes it more interesting to read, and can also add layers and subplots to the story.

When you die and come down from Earth, you take on a new form, most of the time. My father is what you would call a "rock man", but hes only been around for about two years and mostly likely will be reborn soon. My mother well... she is a harpie and she keeps changing forms. I also have a little brother, and big shocker here- he's an alien slime ball. And I'm not just saying that because I would sell him to the under keeper if I could, it's because he truly is. He has slimy green skin and smells like a trash can left out in the sun. And of course I am the only one with the form I am in, see every one gets a form that suits them and unfortunately I got stuck in a human form.
... perhaps some conversation or scenario with the characters rather than telling would make it more intriguing, plus you would be showing us what these people are like in personality rather than just looks.


*So thats mor of an intro, please be harsh. I dont sually write this style, but I thought hey why not?

[i]

I think its an interesting idea but your just laying the facts down instead of showing readers a picture. For me, its easier to do this if i write in third person rather than first. With third you can narrate objectively and sometimes insert the views of more than just the protagonist. A whole novel in first person is hard to read, and gets boring fast, especially without much description.

Keep the good idea, but work on the way in which you convey it.

Coincidentally, I'm writing a novel that in one part, is set in hell. The story doesn't revolve around it, but one of the sub-characters does.

Hope this helps you! Keep writing, only you know where its going!

bububub huh.. i dont know.. i tkind of sounds like a childfrens book... for satin babies.. you know what im sayin? its all about hell.. you know.. there's so much comical potentioal that i dont see being fufilledif fi theis sotrry continues in liek this light chicldrens book form... like... oh i dont know.. satin... peeing on something which then turns into a rabbit. .ok thats not funny but you knwo what... it doesnt matter because... thats why. for your story , i believe, to be effective.. is to be more black.. you know.. black comedy.. righ thnow oim getting. oh my brother is so stupid... he kept making faces at me when i was.. trying to... eat fire? I dont knwo . but you see what im saying

The idea could be funny, but there are a few things missing. First, we're missing a conflict. So these people are in hell. So what? Are they trying to escape hell? What are they trying to do?

The humor falls flat to, mostly because it is so matter of fact. Some exaggeration or under-stating would be good here.

You need conflict. Otherwise, your story will be dull.

I'm not one for long critisising reviews so all make it short 'n' snappy.

I liked the original idea of hell, and no heaven, that was cool and it was all in all great.
only downside is i wished there was more of it, seemed to short to me.

keep writing , cant wait for next chapter.