Chapter three
I walked into the study and shut the door behind me.Okay; to be honest I don't think you need that line at all. It is pretty redundant. Think how much better it'd read if you just had:There; behind the desk, was Landon.
The above line is a far better opener. It drags us in and makes us more interested. I'd just start with it. Think of it this way, why should I care about someone walking into the study and shutting the door behind them? There, behind the desk, was Landon. He was the oldest in thisI'd have the instead of this, much more readable. family, the one who gave thisThe family life. He was very handsome for his age and I could see why Odette loved him verySo would work better here. Very in this content is not gramatically correct. much. As I walked closer to the desk, I noticed the weary lines in his oval face. Hmm, oval isn't right. We want more description here. Give us a good description, we don't really care too much about its shape unless it is different from normal face shapes. Most people have oval faces, so unless his is differentely shaped to the rest of us then I wouldn't bother describing the shape of his face. Try an adjective instead.
He has had a bad day, I thought, stating to myself only what Adelicia said moments ago.This sentence doesn't work well at all. Let's fix it.
He has had a bad day I thought, stating to myself only what Adelicia said moments ago. Right; first let's try and find out what you're trying to say. You're trying to cram a lot into the one sentence.
He has had a bad day Okay, I get that part. I thought, Still understandingstating to myself This is when it starts to go weird, if you're thinking something, then you're not stating it. You contradict yourself. Collin's dictionary defines stating as:
[7] express something in words: to express something in spoken or written words, especially to announce something publicly in a deliberate formal way.
So that's not right. The next part:
only what Adelicia had said moments ago. I think I understand this part
Basically you're trying to say:
that you think he's had a bad day, that you're thinking to yourself a thought that Adelicia had said a few moments ago.
But you need to reword it, we don't need the part about Adelicia saying it moments earlier, it's unnescessary:
We could just have:
He'd had a bad day.
If you chose to have that, I think it'd work well in a line of its own, so as to add effect:He'd had a bad day
I set the glass down on a table...
I set the glass down on a table then sat inYou don't sit in a chair, you sit on it the chair beside it. He looked up from his work.
“Adelicia said that you want to see me about something,” I said. He put his pen back and looked through what appeared to be letters. Today’sYour tense switched here. You can't have today's if it isn't actually today (in this context) Just have that day's mail. mail, perhaps.
“Here,” he said as he held out an envelope to me. I got up and took it from him. The seal was still intact. I raised an eyebrow at him.
“You know I don’t go through mail unless it’s address to me. That-” he nodded to the letter in my hand, “ is addressed to you.”
“To me, but why?” I asked as I took my seat again.
“Look at the address and you'll probably know why,” he said as he laced his fingers together and leaned back in his chair. I turned the envelope over and looked at the address.
“1315 Brick Street. London, England,” I said aloud as I read. “The council? What do they want?” he shrugged.
“Read the letter and let’s find out,” he suggested as he looked at me, curiosity. His black eyes sent a shiver down my spine. I opened the letter and read it. My mouth turned down into a frown and my nose crinkled.
“What is it?” he asked as he looked at my face. I got up and handed him the letter. I perched myself on one of the corners and watched him. His facial expression shocked me. He threw down the letter in disgust.
“Who the hell do they think they are?” he muttered. I sighed and got up. I began to walk around, looking anywhere but at him.
“They are the ruling body of our people, Landon. You would know. You are in the council,” I said as my fingers skimmed the spine of a book.
“Yes, but I’m not asking you to accept a mate that they’re sending over here,” he said.
“And I am not going to accept him,” I said as I turned and looked at him, “the council can’t and will not rule my life.” He stood up and walked to me. He petted my hair and gave me a fatherly kiss on the forehead.
“I hope you know what you are getting into,” he whispered.
“ I do,” I said. He just nodded at me. “Is there anything else?”
“No. You may go. I believe your brother and sister are home, other than Adelicia,” he stated as he went back to his desk and sat down. I grabbed my glass, and then I opened the door and closed it behind me. I walked down the hallway and stairs. I was about to turn the corner to go into the kitchen, when Adelicia popped up behind it, scaring another half out of me.
“Damn it Adelicia!” I exclaimed, clutching my chest. She giggled.
“ I scared you, didn’t I?” she asked as she continued giggling. Okay; I really do have to praise you for this line. This is exactly how you achieve good character development. This is exactly, exactly how. Well done
“Yeah, you did,” I said as I walked past her, right into the kissing fest that Avery and Claiborne were ingested in.
“Ew,” Adelicia whispered behind me. What are you saying ‘ew’ about? You do it too with Ashton, I sendSent not send. into her mind.
Yes, but at least we have to the decency to kiss in our room, she sent back.
True, I sent. I cleared my throat to get their attention. “Um…guys?” I asked. They finally broke apart and looked at me. Avery was a dark-headed male with chiseled features, while Claiborne appear delicate with her soft features.
“There you are,” Claiborne snapped, “ I have been calling your cell phone for past five minutes.”
“Sorry, I forgot it here at home. And besides, you don’t need to baby me,” I said as I washed out my glass in the sink.
“That doesn’t give you an excuse, Elizabeth. You could have used the library’s phone,” she snapped.
“Claiborne, please. I don’t want to get in a fight,” I said as I looked at her, my eyes stopping at her very large tummy. Claiborne has a rare ability that only a handful of vampires have: the ability to give birth to offspring. And right now, she was about to give birth to Avery’s child.
I turned my attention back to the sink and finished. I turned to Adelicia, who had stuck around to my surprise.
“Do you know when Odette will be home?” I asked.
“No, I don’t,” she answered. I sighed. “What’s wrong, Elizabeth?” she asked.
“It’s nothing to concern yourself with. When she gets home, can you tell her I want to see her?” I asked.
“Sure,” she said, nodding. I put a hand on her shoulder and smiled at her.
“Thanks,” I said as I walked out of the kitchen. I slowly walked up the stairs, when I heard the others talking about me. I stopped to listen.
“What’s with her?” Claiborne said.
“I don’t know, but I bet that it has to do with something Landon told her,” Adelicia replied.
“Landon?” Avery’s voice came into the conversation.
“Yeah, Landon wanted to see her when she got home,” Adelicia explained.
“How did she get home?” Claiborne asked. I’d heard enough of the conversation and I continue walking up the stairs, but not before I heard Adelicia stand up for me.
“It’s not my place to tell you that,” Adelicia said in a stern voice. I smiled to myself as I walked to my room and waited until Odette came home. I approached my window and looked out, remembering my day and then him. Adam Hart. This would work well in a line of its own, to add effect.
I recalled when I first looked upon him I felt attraction. I sighed. Ever since I met his. His image can’t can't isn't the right word, despite the fact that it needs to be in past tense, so it should be couldn't it's still not gramatically correct. So instead, we use shouldn't. leave my mind I thought as I walked away from the window.
Try not to think of him my mind told me; after all, he’s onlya pathetic human.
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