My Wrath

This is a very personal piece to me. I used to have a very close guy friend - we were inseperable for seven years, then one day things happened and instead of standing by my side and staying strong he chose to break my heart and stab me in the back.

I wrote this as a way to purge myself of the pain and the anger. It encompasses my grief, my fury, my hate and rage and my determination to prove to be all the things in life that he said I would or could never be.


With that said, here is my poem:


My Wrath

Friendship is a fickle thing
Small and fleeting moments, mixed with subtle feelings
I trusted you
Cared for you
Cherished you
From the very first sip right down to the very last breath,
I held on to your scent. A perfect blend of whispers and sighs
In that moment I embraced what could be, opened up my soul and poured everything unto that stolen season.
I savored you
Respected you
Embraced you
Your friendship meant everything to me, etched into my soul. I thought with you I would be safe
and that made me vulnerable to your cruelty. Slapped me down, I incurred your spite, spurned by
your regrets. You are not Blameless.
You have lied
You have manipulated
You have deceived
My actions were not entirely clear, a desperate cry - a plea for someone to help pull me back from the
shadows of despair. I turned to you for solace and in your arms found it for a small fragment in time.
Now it has been shattered, the pieces ground into the emptiness that was my love, my friendship, my
admiration which for you has turned to both ashes and dust.
Over time I thought I could forgive your selfish pride,
but the truth has a way of circling back and your own words have come to haunt me.
You have not broken my will or my spirit. Not again.
I will rise above your poison and purge it from my veins. My affection for you is a cancer and I refuse
to suffer from this pain you have inflicted any longer.
YOU are NOT the victim.
All I have left to say is this:
You thought me to be weak - but I am stronger than you've ever known me to be. I find you vile and
cold, your accusations empty and hollow.
You have given me the motivation I need to excel, to push myself to be everything you said I wasn't
and could never become.
Betrayal cuts deeper then any knife and hurts more then one can possibly imagine, but I am done
mourning your loss. Instead it is you who should bleed, cry and break.
Everything you claimed I was is only a reflection of who you really are deep inside.
I pity you
I loathe you
....at last, I am free of your ghost. But you will never be free of my wrath.

Hey Sorsha! I don't think I've seen you around here before. Nice to meet you!

Just a little grammar note:

Betrayal cuts deeper [s]then[/s] than any knife and hurts more [s]then[/s] than one can possibly imagine

Then is like the passing of time, or a word to show a change. "And then, they came at me!" Than is a comparison word. "I'm better than you."

Now, before I go into more about this poem: I may sound harsh. I may sound horrible and mean, but I'm being honest, so take it however you want.

Poetry is a great way to express your emotions, get them on the page, and feel better about things later. But often times, these poems that help us heal so much, aren't the same poems that other people will read, relate to, and love. The problem comes from a lot of things. Your poem here lacks structure, doesn't have many poetic devices, and more than anything, I have no idea what you're talking about and I cannot relate to it. I didn't know your friend, and I don't know the situation involved in it. You do an overwhelming amount of telling. "You are this, and you are that!" But why should I, your reader, care? And it isn't just about making your reader care, it is about making your reader relate to the problem and feel what you feel. You do not want to just tell us what happened - you want to share the feelings with us. Don't say, "I was angry" but express your anger through the words you use in describing your friend. A poem is not a list of events and accusations, but a picture of the events, experiences painted and interlaced with accusations, and metaphors and many, many other things. Poems like this are hard for other people to enjoy because they don't know the situation like you do. You need to make it for us.

Though this poem might have helped you heal, and I hope it did (though I still don't understand the situation or what happened), as a poem to share with an audience, and to make others feel, think, and react, it fails. If you are looking to make this more than a personal, healing poem, I suggest you rewrite it. Think of one event that sums up how you felt about your friend, and make the poem about that event, and let your feels come out not through direct statements, but through how you write it. It's a delicate task, and a hard one, to be able to do. My next suggestion would be to read poetry, and maybe you do already, but reading poetry is never a bad thing. Reading poetry will help you understand how to put all these pieces together, all the emotions you feel together in a more poetic way, rather than as though it were a journal entry in verse. If you don't feel like going out to buy a collection of poetry, we have several great poets on our site, and any one of their poems will display what I mentioned above: Incandescence, Fandilocks, Caligula's Launderette, Via, Penguin_Attack, Cade, Whence.


I hope this review helped. If you have any questions about something I mentioned, feel free to PM me.

Hello Suzanne,

I am new to YWS. I appreciate the comment and I don't mind the harsh critcism if its useful and valid which yours is. Perhaps I should have put this in 'other fiction' as opposed to 'other poetry'.

Either way I do appreciate the review

cheers.

hey great poem i am glad that you put all your anger into this poem instead of putting it into revenge against him.
A couple things:
1) Stanzas-stanzas are beautiful things. they make poems easier to read, and i strongly suggest using them.
2)

Friendship is a fickle thing

um...what is fickle? i am not saying don't use describing words, but how about describing words that are useful and make sense?.
3)

on to

in this wording it should be onto. its confusing i know.
4) usually in poetry when you have a coma you start a new line. i.e.:

In that moment I embraced what could be, opened up my soul and poured everything unto that stolen season.

this would usually be:
In that moment I embraced what could be,
opened up my soul and poured everything unto that stolen season.
same with periods.
5)

I thought with you I would be safe
and that made me vulnerable to your cruelty.

this is a beautiful sentence

those are all the things i have to help you i hope it does help:) if you have any questions please let me know this poem is great, but just a couple things fixed and it will be REALLY great have fun writing

Thank you so much for the comment SG.

I wasn't even really sure if this fell in the category of a 'poem' per se, but I am glad you enjoyed it nonetheless

fickle = unpredictable, changable, indecisive, inconsistent, erratic, etc. definition = likely to change, especially in affections, intentions, loyalties, or preferences.

It is not a commonly used word but I felt it accurately described the point I was trying to make, but I suppose it only makes sense if you thoroughly understand the meaning behind it and its usage.

LOL I am not a venegeful person - well, not really hahaha (I am human and at times prone to weakness) but I have to say, I much prefer the idea of ripping someone to shreds in one of my literary confections as opposed to real life. It's not as messy and much more gratifying *snicker snicker* besides, revenge can take so many forms and cause so many more problems - don't you think?

In the end - he's not worth it.

Thank you so much for the compliment and the pointers on the mistakes, I'll be sure to make the necessary corrections soon.

All the best,

~ Sorsha