Wounded

*bows* Thanks for reading. It's been fun.

^_^ Keek out!

Hey there!

Your line break was too long and was stretching out the front page, so I made it shorter. ^^

Melissa stood quietly by the door, out of the sight of Stacey and Mark.

“Dear-”

“I’m just saying I don’t think we can afford to have another child. That’s all,”

“It’s not like we’re having another baby, Mark! This is my niece we’re talking about!”

“The daughter of a half-sister you barely even knew!”

“What do you want me to do, tell her she can’t stay here? She just lost both her parents!”

Melissa felt her heart pinch painfully at the reminder. She turned away from the kitchen where her new guardians were talking and headed for the front door.

It took me this long to realize they were talking about Melissa. Up until this point, I thought Melissa was their child, and the neice was someone who hadn't come into the picture yet. Also, having your "heart pinch painfully" is the least of the emotional reactions a child is going to have so soon after the death of her parents. I'd try to find something a little stronger, especially since this is our introduction to the character. The pain of the death of her parents, compounded by loneliness, and now further exacerbated by the knowledge that she is not wanted. All of this is going to be intense for a child like Melissa. I'm getting the impression here that she's pretty young, so if this is not the case, now might be the time to make that clear. Oh, and, comma after "kitchen," and again after "talking."
"She turned away from the kitchen, where her new guardians were talking, and headed for the front door."

“All I’m saying, is that I don’t know if we can support a third child with our current budget.”

“She has nowhere else to go,” her aunt sighed.

Melissa opened the door and stepped outside, just catching her uncle’s tired words:

“I know. We’ll figure something out.”

I'd remove "her aunt sighed." You hadn't been labeling the dialogue up until this point, and we're already pretty clear on who's speaking. I do like the way you put her uncle's final words, though. An excellent way to end the dialogue.

Stacey and Mark’s large property was divided in half by a long gravel driveway. shoulders.

I'm inclined to say "Mark and Stacey's large property," instead of "Stacey and Mark's," but that might just be my inner misogynist making himself heard. It just feels better to have the man's name first.

On one side was the house, shed and vegetable garden; on the other was a large field that ran the length of the driveway and was filled with tall, yellow grass and surrounded by blackberry bushes contained by a wooden fence that reached her shoulders.

Couple of things with this sentence. First, "was" should be "were," I believe, in the part before the semicolon. I think I'd choose a different word entirely, though. "To be" verbs are never very strong. Then, I'd rearrange the part after, as it's a little awkward the way you've got it now.
"On one side stood the house, shed and vegetable garden; on the other, a large field of tall, yellow grass, which ran the full length of the driveway, was contained by a shoulder-high fence and hemmed by blackberry bushes."
Something like that, anyway. When you say "reached her shoulders," you've got no object, since you haven't mentioned Melissa yet in this paragraph. One is forced to assume that you mean Stacey.

It was to this field that Melissa went, fleeing from a painful and twisting agony she couldn’t bear to face.

I don't like the first part of this sentence at all. Maybe it's just that word "went." "Fled," perhaps?
"It was to this field that Melissa fled, desperate to escape the agony that twisted through her body like a rope of fire."
That's kind of a lame metaphor, but you get the idea. Give us something so that we can really appreciate the extent of her emotional suffering. This poor kid is going through the worst kind of hell right now.

Wanting to be helpful to her new caretakers in some small way, she picked up the white bucket sitting by the gate.

This seems a little out of place, but it might just be the way you phrased her motive. Make us understand that she's so desperate for them to keep her that she'll try any little think to make herself of some kind of value to them. This just sounds like an idle wish to express gratitude for taking her in by, what, picking some berries?

The unfamiliar thorny blackberry bushes seemed like they could at any moment throw out their long branches and grab her.

This is kind of weird. Comma between "unfamiliar" and "thorny." Why do they look like that? You state slightly later in the paragraph that the sun is beating down, which doesn't generally lend a creepy atmosphere to blackberry bushes. Give us some more details. Show, don't tell, as is so often stated.

Despite this, she picked a place and started to pick the black berries.

You used "pick" twice in this sentence. Pick another word. XD

The summer sun beat down mercilessly on her, but she found the lightheadedness brought a relief.

What kind of relief?

Anything to distract her from the ache in her chest.

Too tell-y. I have a lot of trouble conveying emotion, too, but right now you're just telling us what she's feeling, not making us feel it ourselves.

Time seemed to break apart as she lost herself in the repetitive task.

I like the metaphor here.

Then, two things happened at once.

I don't like starting a paragraph like this. It's really not any better than "suddenly." Perhaps make a reference to the metaphor at the end of the preceding paragraph?
"In one fragment of an instant, two things happened at once."'
Something along those lines, maybe?

As she reached for a large berry farther back in the tangle of brambles a thorn scratched the back of her hand, drawing blood. In that instant, something cold brushed against her leg.

Scary! My first thought would be - snake! Get it away! I don't know that "in that instant" is the best connector, here, but I can't think of anything better off the top of my head.

Melissa’s startled jump allowed her hand to fall further victim to the vicious thorns.

When did she jump? Maybe this should be all one paragraph?
"In that instant, something cold brushed against her leg, triggering a startled jump that dragged her hand further through the vicious thorns."

Hissing, she withdrew her arm, but her eyes were on the ground.

Why are her eyes on the ground?
"Hissing, she withdrew her arm, as her eyes searched the ground for the thing that had touched her.

Maybe this would be the place to start the new paragraph. Or you can leave it all one. Paragraph breaks are a very personal stylistic choice, IMO, so it's hard to say.

There, a pale white hand could be seen under the bushes.

Holy crap. My first though would be - "OMG is that a dead person? Oh crapohcrapohcrap!!!" XD I wouldn't be as matter-of-fact about this as Melissa seems to be, but she's also experiencing a lot of emotional trauma, so she could be pretty burnt out.

Where she was now, the dense brambles were giving way to more gentle foliage as the field reached towards the empty forest-like lot behind Stacey and Mark’s property.

I'd replace "where she was now" with "here," or restructure the sentence entirely. Remove the "s" on the end of "towards." I'd also find a different word for "forest-like." That's not a very strong adjective.

And there was somebody hiding under there.

I don't like starting sentences with conjunctions, not even for the shock value you've got going on here.
"Someone was hiding under there" is just as strong. Of course, I'd still be assuming this was a corpse.

Melissa stepped back and saw the hand twitch.

Okay, now we know it's alive. Also, I would be freaking the hell out right now. But I never claimed to be brave or strong-willed.

She could see red blisters covered the hand in many places. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. She realized she needed to help them; the way someone should have helped her parents. She dropped to her knees and reached out to touch the person’s hand so they would know someone was there and that help was coming.

Not the smartest idea in the world. XD Anyway, all of your sentences in this paragraph start with "she." Now, that's not very interesting, is it? Consider revising the whole thing. Also, that semicolon is incorrect. A comma is all you need there.

As she went to stand the pearl white hand whipped out and grabbed her wrist as she tried to draw it back.

You used "as she" twice in this sentence. Also, "went to" do something is never a very strong phrase. For "pearl white," you need either a hyphen ( "pearl-white" ) or you need a "y" ( "pearly white." ). Pears come in varying shades of whitish, too. I'd use corpse, but that might just be because this is how Law and Order episodes tend to begin. XD
"As Melissa began to stand, the corpse-white hand whipped up and grabbed her wrist before she could draw her own hand away."
Something in this vein. I'm not trying to write your story for you, just offer some suggestions.

She froze, but the person made no further movement.

We're still seeing the person as a disembodied hand.
"She froze, but the hand made no further movement."

It seemed in that moment that her pulse slowed, and she first became aware of the eerie silence in the field.

I'd think her pulse would speed up, but I understand the kind of mood you're trying to convey here. I'd remove "first," though.
"and she became aware of an eerie silence in the field.

No birds sang and no animals stirred. Something, she realized, was wrong.

Gee, you think? There's a dead guy in the bushes!

Alarmed, she tried to pull free and found the icy fingers had a vice-like grip.

"Alarmed" doesn't seem to fit with the whole "her pulse slowed" thing. "Vice-like" is a little overused, but there's no real issue.

“L-Let go,” she said weakly, tugging again. These were the first words she’d uttered since learning of her parent’s deaths and she almost didn’t recognize her own voice after so many months.

If she didn't talk at all during this time, I bet it would be part of the aunt and uncle's arguments about her. Especially if she's been there for months, since by now the argument is probably pretty routine.

The grip tightened. Desperate now, she gathered her strength and propelled herself backwards, managing to drag the body out from under the brambles rather than free her captured limb.

"...backwards, and though she failed to free her captured limp, she managed to drag the body..."

The hand belonged to a young man with shoulder length blond locks and bright red eyes. He wore a dress shirt and pants, but these had been shredded by something with long claws, leaving his clothing falling to bits and his body covered in deep gashes.

Who says 'locks?' I'm pretty sure Melissa would think "shoulder-length blond hair." No need to get fancy. I'd also leave out the bit about the claws. How would she know that? "Shredded" stands just fine on its own.

Melissa couldn’t see him breathing and he was as still as a statue but his eyes looked right at her and she knew he was alive.

The way you state this, it makes it sound as though his eyes turn to look at her, which belies your "still as a statue" simile. Consider revising.

His eyes seemed to sparkle like rubies, and in spite of the hammering of her heart she felt herself lean forward to see them better.

Brave girl.

Her other hand reached out to brush aside the locks that covered his face, and suddenly he twisted, grabbing this arm as well.

I take it back. Stupid girl. XD

She jumped in surprise, but found herself unable to break eye contact.

This is another paragraph where all your sentences start with pronouns. I'd consider rewriting a few of them. This one, for example, isn't very strong.

Very slowly he used her as an anchor to pull himself into a sitting position.

Comma after "slowly."

His eyes left her’s then and their attention turned to her right hand. There, small drops of blood swelled where the thorns had scratched her.

No apostrophe. And I'd reword slightly:
"His eyes left hers and refocused on her right hand, where small drops of blood swelled..."

A hungry look entered his eyes and he bit her suddenly, forcing a started cry from her lips.

I don't like that phrase. I use it myself all the time, and each time I catch myself doing it I try to rephrase. He's not forcing her to cry out; she's crying out because he hurt her. It's a little different, and I think another phrasing might also be a better ending to a paragraph. Surprise! Vampire!

Shock mixed with utter fascination held her as he began to lick the blood as it leaked from the punctured holes his fangs had left.

I'm sorry, but this is a lousy sentence.
"Her shock became mixed with utter fascination as he began to lick the blood that flowed from the punctures he'd made in her flesh."
Try to be a little less redundant. Remember that more words is not better.

Though her hand throbbed from the pain of the bite, his glacial touched eased it in the same instant.

Good imagery. The phrasing's a little awkward, but it's not too bad.

The mixture of hot pain, cool numbness and the rhythmic caress of his dry tongue soothed her, making her forget about the emotional pain that had tormented her for so long.

It probably has more to do with blood loss, lol. I like the concept that it's so surreal it actually makes her feel better, though it's too bad she caved in so easily.

She knew he was a vampire and that he might kill her, but she didn’t want him to stop.

And what does this knowledge do to her? After all, she knows logically that there are no such creatures. Since we don't really know her temperament before the death of her parents' - was she dreamy enough to believe in stuff like this - I'd be leaning toward sunstroke or hallucination as an explanation at this point. But she clearly accepts it. I'd like to see something of the old Melissa to help this make more sense.

It seemed to Melissa that they stayed that way for an eternity before a burning heat on her back betrayed the sun’s silent approach. She looked up and realized it was rising higher in the sky and would very soon clear the trees behind the field that had kept this back corner of the field wrapped in shade.

You know, you described the sun beating down on her back while she was picking berries, but you never said that there was shade here. That led us to assume that the bushes were still in the sunlight. You might want to go back and add something about passing into the shaded area, or something like that.

“Um…” she began. His head snapped up and he saw the approaching light.

“You could hide in the shed,” she suggested, shifting uncomfortably as she saw his eyes travel to her neck, then to the sunlit driveway between them and the shed.

“I could bring you a blanket …”

As a general rule, ellipses=satan. In the third line, there, I think you're okay, but I'd take them out of the first line. Funny how she takes this creature's side so quickly.

He pulled her forward effortlessly until they were face to face.

"The vampire pulled her..."
Just because there's only the two of them doesn't mean it's okay to use ill-defined pronouns.

Melissa could hear her heart racing wildly as he caught her eyes and held them, seeming to search her very soul. Then, as suddenly as he had caught her, he released her.

Typical vampire stuff. Seems to me she'd feel her heart racing more than she'd hear it. She'd hear her pulse pounding in her ears, though.

She stared at her freed limbs as if they were alien for a moment, realizing just how numb they felt.

Weird sentence, not quite sure what the point is. Doesn't really offer anything.

Then, feeling the sun’s heat on her back, she dazedly got to her feet and quickly walked out of the field, then ran into the house, returning minutes later with a thick comforter from her bedroom closet.

Whoa, sudden jump! You've been going detail by detail, and now all of a sudden you've got a list of actions all in one sentence, and it just flies by too quickly. This should be at least two sentences, and I'd like a brief scene inside the home, but I understand your word limit.

When she arrived back in the field, the vampire had backed away from the approaching line of sun. He watched her warily as she approached.

"When she returned to the field..."
Also, you used "approached" twice in as many sentences. Consider choosing another word.

“Put this over your head,” she told him. Her heart danced with some sort of excitement. She knew it was insane, but she was thrilled.

Just plain excitement is fine.

The vampire took the comforter and began to wrap it around himself.

"...comforter, and wrapped it around..."

Somehow smiling, Melissa ran back out of the field and to the shed, pulling open the door and checking inside to make sure no sunlight leaked in.

"Somehow" is a poor word. I'm sure you can find one that's a little more specific. Consider "inexplicably," for example.

Just as she turned to return and tell him it was alright, he suddenly appeared and swept past her.

"Turned to return" sounds kind of silly, and I don't like the word "suddenly" the way you're using it here. I'd rewrite this sentence entirely.

The vampire turned, dropping the comforter, and extended his arm to her. She wasn’t sure what he meant by the gesture, but it seemed like an invitation. She hesitated, torn between wanting to take his hand, and run away. Fear of the unknown won out.

“I’ll…um…come back tomorrow. Okay?”

Finally. XD This chick should have been dead a long time ago. She's lucky.

She shut the door and walked away. Her aunt Stacey hugged her when she came into the house and then worried over the horrible ‘thorns’ that had assaulted her hand. That night was the first time she felt truly welcomed in her aunt’s home, yet somehow she felt even farther apart from her relatives than ever before. The next day she helped her cousins with chores and went down to the beach. It was only after nightfall that she finally was able to sneak out of the house and to the shed.

This all feels really rushed, which I know tends to happen when you're at the end of a fixed-length story and find yourself running out of words. There's not a whole lot you can do to expand this without going over your word limit, but I'd definitely consider it if you intend to do anything with this story later.

For some reason, she had changed out of her pajamas and into her favorite shirt and jeans—ones her parents had bought her on their last trip together.

She knows why she did it. Don't give me that "for some reason" nonsense!

When she pulled open the shed door, a sense of crushing disappointment hit her all at once—the comforter was still lying on the ground, but the vampire was gone.

I'd use a semicolon instead of a hyphen, but I tend to get a little semicolon-happy, so I think you're good.

Crestfallen, she shut the shed door. As she turned to go back to the house, a cold hand touched hers. The vampire stood behind her, already healed. He held out his hand once again.

I'd like to feel her disappointment a little more, but we can live without it.

A shy smile crept unto her lips and she took his hand, allowing him to pull her into his icy hold. She felt his icy lips kissed her neck, and gasped quietly at the sharp pain that followed.

You've got "icy" twice in these two sentences. I'd also prefer the word "softly" to "quietly," but that's just a question of preference.

She smiled serenely as darkness began to wrap itself around her and numbness seep into her skin.

I'd say "numbness seeped into her skin." Two separate thoughts, there, and it feels a little wrong to keep it in the present tense like that.

A sigh slipped her lips and she learned eagerly into the Kiss of Death.

You need to either add a "from" after the word "slipped," or choose a different word, like "escaped." Also, if he's feeding from her throat, I doubt she's in a position to be "leaning eagerly into" his kiss. I'd rephrase thusly:
"A sigh escaped her lips as she eagerly submitted to the Kiss of Death."
I don't know about those capitals, either, but that's your choice.


Your Questions:
1. You need to show Melissa's emotions more clearly. I know it's hard; I have a huge problem with this issue myself. The trick is to fall back onto the old mantra of "show, don't tell." Don't say, "she felt sad," describe to us the physical sensations that accompany the emotion.

2. I think you need to expand some of the elements within the story, but yes, it's good for being compressed into your word limit. I've already stated where I think you need more. Also, I don't see any way that this would be expanded, unless you intend for the vampire to change her, and I've had enough of emo vampire girls.



------



I hope that wasn't too bad for you. It can be hard to know where to draw the line when it comes to contructive criticism. I tried to include the stuff I liked, too.

Heya Sleepy! =)

I guess my task is to make points that Prof. Rabbit didn't make. Dang! She was great, wasn't she?

Melissa stood quietly by the door, out of the sight of Stacey and Mark.
“Dear-”
“I’m just saying I don’t think we can afford to have another child. That’s all,”
“It’s not like we’re having another baby, Mark! This is my niece we’re talking about!”
“The daughter of a half-sister you barely even knew!”
“What do you want me to do, tell her she can’t stay here? She just lost both her parents!”

Okay, this is a very confusing intro. It's difficult because you throw us right in a dialogue in session and you throw out a lot of family terms, "child", "niece", "half-sister", and some parents. This is very confusing because personally, I'm terrible with keeping track of family ties. Instead of starting off with dialogue like this, I suggest explaing the set up to this dialogue more. Or at least clarify the relations these characters have to each other outside of dialogue.

Stacey and Mark’s large property was divided in half by a long gravel driveway. On one side was the house, shed and vegetable garden; on the other was a large field that ran the length of the driveway and was filled with tall, yellow grass and surrounded by blackberry bushes contained by a wooden fence that reached her shoulders.

Nice description of the property. =)

The summer sun beat down mercilessly on her, but she found the lightheadedness brought a relief. Anything to distract her from the ache in her chest. Time seemed to break apart as she lost herself in the repetitive task.

At this point, I think you need to explain what's going on inside her head, to help us understand the situation. Yes, she's anguished, but why? What thoughts are racing? While you describe them, the reader will get a clearer image of what just happened.

Also, somewhere during this beginning it'd be nice to give an age to Melissa. Right now I'm not sure what to think of her as.

“L-Let go,” she said weakly, tugging again

She must be frantic to some degree her; show this. Right now, she's taking a hand gripping onto her very well. I know she's still in shock from her parents, but I think that would make her freak out even more.

She knew he was a vampire

When did she reach this conclusion? Obviously when he bit her, but you need to let her think it.

“You could hide in the shed,” she suggested

What compelled her to say this? I don't understand her motives right now. You need to explain her thought process to the reader.

1) Do you think I did an okay job on characterization? Suggestions on what I could add to make Melissa less vague and flat?
You need to explain what's going on inside her head more. Right now, I don't understand her motives and her emotions. If you explain why Melissa wants to help the vampire, if you explain her anguish, then I can sympatize or feel ill about her.
2) Was this an okay short story? If there was more, would you read it?
This was the outline of a short story - it lacks meat, but you can provide! Add what I told you it needed, and this will be very good. And of course I would read more! I'm a sucker for vampire stories (sucker? get it? ha... sorry, I'm lame).

Thanks for the read! I hope I helped!

~ Clo

The Prof did a smashing job of reviewing up there. I don't know how I'm going to follow that.

'K, first (I'm working under the assumption that this is a short story that ends when it does and has no continuation): The whole beginning bit about how she is an orphan and her aunt and uncle's argument really doesn't seem to tie into the vampire plot. It's like you are setting up one story and it changes halfway to another.

The whole orphan/arguement beginning set up the sort of emotastic/stoic emotions of the girl, but then it really doesn't seem to play into the rest of the story at all. As soon as she heads out into the field, we don't hear about it anymore. I dunno. It just feels like a great setup/backstory/exposition that never gets it's payoff. I did like it. It just felt out of place with the rest of the story. I don't know how to explain it.

The vampire bit was pretty cool. I agree with Prof that the girl totally should have died earlier. She was asking for it the whole time. That vamp just has incredible self control.

1) Do you think I did an okay job on characterization? Suggestions on what I could add to make Melissa less vague and flat?

I dunno. I actually kind of liked the detachment. I liked the character, though some of her actions I was wanting to reach through the computer screen and smack her for being so trusting. How old is she supposed to be? In the beginning, I was getting like a 12-year old vibe, and that continued all the way through the story until the last little bit about the kiss of death. That one paragraph just sounded a bit too sexual for a 12 year old. But of course, I don't know if that is how old she is supposed to be.

2) Was this an okay short story? If there was more, would you read it?

Yes, I liked this. I've already voiced my opinions about the whole orphan thing, but otherwise, I really liked this. I think I'd read more of this, but I'm not sure how you would continue it. I suppose that would be one incentive to read, yes?: finding out what happens next.

Good luck with your writing!

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

I liked it. Everyone else covered everything else. I didn't expect that the hand would turn out to be from a vampire--it completely surprised me. I agree with Clograbby; I couldn't really tell that you were talking about Mellisa at first. I kind of guessed but I wasn't sure. I'm sorry I couldn't review sooner.

*HUG!!!*

Thank you guys! XD I wasn't sure I'd get the reviews in time for tonight, but you all came through. You've saved my butt.

And thanks for all the suggestions. I obviously can't work them all in to the version I hand in (stupid 1500 word limit >_> *is already over by about 30 words*), but I would like to add to this later and make it better and your suggestions will all be taken into account. XD

Merci beaucoup!

^_^ Keek!

I is awfully late. *hangs head in shame* I'd forgotten about my Bite thread, and last time I checked it, there weren't any new requests.

Melissa stood quietly by the door, out of the sight of aunt Stacey and uncle Mark.
“Dear-”

When I first read this, I couldn’t tell exactly who was speaking. Perhaps you should add in an extra line. “… out of the sight of aunt Stacey and uncle Mark. Their voices came clearly out to her.” Or something like that. And shouldn’t “aunt” and “uncle” be capitalized?

“I’m just saying I don’t think we can afford to have another child. That’s all,”

You need something after “I’m just saying.” A comma, I think, but you might want another opinion.
The comma at the end should be a full stop.

Melissa’s face twisted as she doubled over. She stifled a pained gasp as invisible fingers tried to crush her heart.

This is… very dramatic. Too dramatic. “Doubling over.” “Invisible fingers tried to crush her heart.” It’s too flowery for me to be sympathetic. I read that, raised an eyebrow, rolled my eyes and thought, “Uh-huh. Yeah.”
Simple is best. If you describe her pain in simple terms, it makes her grief clearer, sa? It makes a better impact.

“She has nowhere else to go.”

I think an exclamation mark might be good there.

Stacey and Mark’s large property was divided in half by a long gravel driveway.

Just a note, did you deliberately choose those two names? Only you’d better change them. Next thing you know, Stacey’ll be in court and making plans for unfaithfulness and Mark’ll be in a wheelchair going to therapy.

It was to this field that Melissa fled, desperate to escape the loneliness that gnawed on her soul with razor teeth.

This is more flowery than I’d use, but it’s within reason. ^_^

She grabbed the white bucket hanging on the fence and she pushed it open.

Too many “she”s. Take out the second one.

The unfamiliar blackberry bushes loomed up like a wall of thorns, their density created deep shadows within them.

Created = creating.

The summer sun beat down mercilessly on her, causing her to feel lightheaded.

My spell check says that that should either be hyphenated or two words.

Serious thought became difficult, and she willingly gave herself to the pain free oblivion the sweltering sun offered.

This definitely should be hyphenated to make it one phrase.

It was much later, when she had finally come to her senses and moved to the back of the field that hid in the shadow of the tall trees in the lot behind Stacey and Mark’s property, that a long thorn scratched the back of her hand as she reached for a large berry farther back in the tangle of brambles.

0_o Gee, that’s a… a very long sentence.

A buzzing entered her ears as her heart accelerated.

“Buzzing noise” would be better.

She wanted to call for help, but the fear building up inside her was not enough o dislodge the clog loss had placed there.

Ah, um?

Her ears were ringing now, and she was beginning t hyperventilate.

T = to

She stepped back and suddenly the corpse-white hand whipped out and grabbed her ankle and she froze in the motion of turning to run.

This is an important moment, and it would be better and more powerful if it was split up into two sentences; an introducing one and a punchy one. Make it something like, “She stepped back and suddenly the corpse-white hand whipped out, gripping her ankle. She froze.” Something like that, anyway.

Was this person alive?

Take this out, it really ruins it.

Alarmed, she tried to pull free and found the icy fingers had a vice-like grip.

This would be better as, “Alarmed, she tried to pull free, but the icy fingers had a vice-like grip.”

“L-Let go!” she begged weakly, tugging again desperately.

Take out “again”.

The hand belonged to a young man with shoulder length blond hair and bright red eyes.

The hair bit is all right, but really, it’s incredibly rare that you notice eye colour just like that. You notice it if you’re near the person’s face, but even then, it’s not often that you manage to see it.

A hungry look entered his eyes and he bit her suddenly, startling cry from her lips.

“Startling a cry”.

Though her hand throbbed from the pain of the bite, his glacial touched eased it in the same instant.

Touched = touch

“You’re a vampire,” she whispered, her heart beginning to stir uneasily.

Oy vey.

Melissa could feel her racing wildly as he caught her eyes and held them, seeming to search her very soul.

“Feel her heart racing wildly”.

Melissa could feel her racing wildly as he caught her eyes and held them, seeming to search her very soul.

Ugh. That is a really, really over-worked, over-used, clichéd phrase. Nix it.

Melissa could feel her racing wildly as he caught her eyes and held them, seeming to search her very soul.

Reading a certain strain of satire can do things to your reading. “He caught her eyes and held them.” Oh yuck, he held her eyes. How gross. Imagine, all the blood and jelly and fluid would get on his hands and trickle through his fingers. He probably doesn’t have a handkerchief to mop up afterwards, either.

Yes, I do know that that isn’t what you were trying to say, but avoid using phrases with double meanings like this. They can really ruin good scenes.

Then, as suddenly as he had caught her, he released her.

You have too many “her”s here, but as I can’t think of another way to put it, you can keep them for now.

Dazedly, she got to her feet and quickly walked out of the field, then ran into the house.

Too many thingies/adjectives?

As quietly as she could she snuck into the house and snuck a thick comforter from the hallways closet.

Comma after “could” and too many “snuck”s.

As she shut the shed door a cold hand touched hers. She spun; hear heart leaping.

I think you need a comma after “door”.

Spun = spun around
Hear = her

and the semi colon should be a comma.

A shy smile crept unto her lips and she took his hand, allowing him to pull her into his icy hold.

Unto = onto

Hold = grip

She smiled serenely as darkness began to wrap itself around her and numbness seep into her skin.

Take out “serenely”. I think the last bit would be better as past tense and something or other voice. Ergo, the whole sentence would be, “She smiled as darkness wrapped itself around her and numbness seeped into her skin.”

A sigh slipped her lips and she learned eagerly into the kiss of death.

Slipped = slipped from



Feedback question(s)
1) Do you think I did an okay job on characterization? Suggestions on what I could add to make Melissa less vague and flat?

I think I like the vampire best. Melissa’s fairly all right as she is, but she doesn’t say much, doesn’t do anything particularly unique, so it’s difficult to give hints for improvement. Unless you change the action or expand more on this, I can’t think of anything very outstanding to advise. >_<



2) Was this an okay short story? If there was more, would you read it?

Yes, it was okay. It was more than okay in some parts; it was pretty good. I think the main thing with it though, is that it’s rather bland. Orphaned girl goes to live with distant relatives. Girl meets vampire. Girl gets bitten by vampire. You didn’t add much detail. Weird, insignificant little details that you’d only notice if you were there -- that’s the sort of thing you want to put in.

You were hampered a lot by the action that happens. Nothing very dramatic happens here, not much action. I know she met the vampire and died/lived happily ever after with him, but it still felt like nothing much had occurred. It was very quiet.

As to whether I would read more, I’m not sure. I’m kind of curious as to what happens next, but modern vampires aren’t my thing at all. That’s a personal preference, and it’s not because of your writing. ^_^

I didn't read the other's reviews, so polly-Gs if I'm simply repeating.



Keep writing, and happy tweaking!