Names and Other Dangerous Things: A beginning.

This is the story of Imelda Skonk, who, at the age of seven, had a terrible turn of events that changed her for life. She was well known by her family, especially by her brother Jeff Skonk who was but two years older than her. Jeff was the mirror image of his father, had his father been a short boy of a young age and very little life plans. This, though, does not concern the story so much as involve itself in it, as Jeff is wont to do.

Imelda, being an encouraging age, was often seen at play with her turtle who, tragically, had no name. It is important to this narrative to announce that this turtle had no name for that was the downfall of young Imelda Skonk. She just didn't know it at the time, as no one had chosen to inform her of the dangers in not naming turtles.

So we are called upon with sadness and a sense of well-being brought on by the knowledge of the end of this tale, to mention that Imelda had a turtle who did not have a name. This turtle, we could see, was a bright shade of green, this luminescence being odd in a turtle, we do not think much of it for it is Imelda Snonk's turtle and she is by no means a normal girl.

We will take a moment, just a moment, to detail this turtle for you, for it is an interesting if not special creature. Imelda's turtle was green on the outside - of a bright green one could say - and had a pattern akin to snoring dragons on it's shell. Unusual, you ask? Yes, this turtle certainly was. Of course this pattern was only to be seen by those intelligent - like Imelda - who knew to turn their head to the side and squint when looking at the shell in direct sunlight. It is surprising not many others knew.

While such a brilliant green on his shell, Imelda's turtle was not green on the inside, but a pale, almost yolk like purple. This is, of course, the yolk of a dragon egg, as the delicate dragon images should suggest. One might think this turtle was fated for brilliant things. His little head dipped when Imelda held out lettuce and his little feet tip toed around his room. We know he tiptoed for he made no noise. A turtle can make much noise, if he does not tiptoe.

Now, we have completed our study of this little turtle who has no name, we must move on, must we not? To the purpose of this narrative, the purpose, of course, being Imelda Snonk, herself.

Er... Um... >.> ... <.<

I'm taking that you didn't mean this to be serious? I'm really... not sure. Well... I don't want to waste a good critique on talking about how random, and slightly disturbing this was.

So. I'm going to act like this is a perfectally normal piece of literature.

It was... as cliché as it gets, I guess. Well... the turtle with no name was pretty cool... erm... but the whole way it was written (aka: The turtle has some unforeseen destiny to probably save the world or something).

Erm... I so don't know what to say. If this is meant to be serious, erm, please PM me and I'll actually come back and give a real critique? I can never be sure with you, Penguin. XP

-Jared

I quite liked this actually. It had a bit of a 'lemony snicket's series of unfortunate events' tone to it, or like Roald Dahl's style. It's a difficult style to pull off, but you're close to it.

It was a little confusing though, some bits repeated itself-you kept going a bit round in circles about how the turtle didn't have a name, although the more times I read over it, the more I can see a lot of confusion comes from commas being in the wrong place and the punctuation needing tweaking a bit. Read over it and listen for the pauses, and you'll find the commas make it all run into each other. Think of splitting some of it up into different sentences or adding some semi-colons. And make sure it flows and doesn't jerk suddenly onto another topic.

Very interesting beginning, as someone already said, like Lemony Snicket's writing.

Jeff was the mirror image of his father, had his father been a short boy of a young age and very little life plans.

I love this line!

This, though, does not concern the story so much as involve itself in it, as Jeff is wont to do.

This line is kind of confusing, maybe not needed?

Imelda, being an encouraging age, was often seen at play with her turtle who, tragically, had no name.

I love your characters, their names (or lack of) and having a turtle, it's brilliant.

It is important to this narrative to announce that this turtle had no name for that was the downfall of young Imelda Skonk.

I don't know if this is needed, the part about 'important to the narrative', it's very postmodernist to keep referring to the fact you are writing a story, but for a children's book (which I assume this is by the style) it is quite tedious.

She just didn't know it at the time,

I'd get rid of the 'just' here.

So we are called upon with sadness and a sense of well-being brought on by the knowledge of the end of this tale, to mention that Imelda had a turtle who did not have a name.

I would compeletely remove this sentence, it's a bit longwinded and kind of dull to be honest.

almost yolk like purple.

Since when was purple 'yolk-like'? Yolk is yellow. Unless you put in the next sentence:
'This is, of course, the yolk of a dragon egg, which as everyone knows, is purple'

Overall, it's not a bad beginning, my main point would just be to drop all that parts that mention that you are telling a story, it detracts from the narrative itself, in my humble opinion. Good luck with it!

Oh noes!

Skonk became Snonk!

I mean, in the last line anyway. You should fix that typo. Is someone subconsciously channeling/thinking about Snoink? XD

I felt this was forced. The tone and quality of narration didn't feel natural, not to the nature of the story. It feels as though you've taken a preconceived and well used narrator voice - yay for the quaint, English, sometime grandfatherly overtones! (Pushing Daisies anyone?)

Problem is, it's not yours and in my opinion, isn't done as well as it could be. But then, I don't even think you should try. I think you should tell the story as though your sitting down to tell a child the story. In your voice. Radical, I know, but give it a go.

Your turtle rocked my socks. And my socks are hard to rock.

Jeff was the mirror image of his father, had his father been a short boy of a young age and very little life plans.

Haha that was funny =]

This, though, does not concern the story so much as involve itself in it, as Jeff is wont to do.

Yeah... WTF DID YOU JUST SAY?! Darn you and your non-American English!

She just didn't know it at the time, as no one had chosen to inform her of the dangers in not naming turtles.

Drop the 'just'. That word seems to pollute my writings too =[

So we are called upon with sadness and a sense of well-being brought on by the knowledge of the end of this tale, to mention that Imelda had a turtle who did not have a name.

Umm... what?

It is surprising not many others knew.

I like the sarcasm!

His little head dipped when Imelda held out lettuce and his little feet tip toed around his room. We know he tiptoed for he made no noise. A turtle can make much noise, if he does not tiptoe.

You went from "tip toed" to "tiptoed"

To the purpose of this narrative, the purpose, of course, being Imelda Snonk, herself.

Almost forgot, Skonk becomes Snonk....

I <3 your writings for some reason. It reminds me of a children's book! A long and confusing children's book, but a children's book.