Somewhere between The Wind and The Shine

This was originally posted in Lyric poetry, but due to my multiple post, no one commented. I didn't know the rules then. It was written as a song so I decided to post it as one. side quotes hopefully help you hear it.







The Cold shiver of getting into Bed,

A lost thought running out of my head,

Somewhere between the wind and the shine,

You're in me,

You're all mine.

And the mood is sensitive,

The mood is true.

Everything I've Done, I've done for you. (opening verse, sounds like seducing whisper)
(attitude= I know something you don't and I'll never tell)



I've watched you and I fall,

From out of my head and into your skull.

What you didn't want,

I only wanted more. (bridge to verse---decresendo and accented towards end)



I TOLD YOU.... (words attack listener--strong not forceful)

love is not enough.

I feel a little more rough.

This thing called tough,

I think I'm losing touch. (stacato style--dictioned stance with attitude)



Now she's screaming.

She's learned how to roar.

She's Heaven on her Knees,

Scratching at your door. (bridge to outro----sound chaotic, words strong but calm)



We are nothing in the cries.

We are nothing if we have never tried.

We are nothing you can buy.

We are are nothing to God, but a lie. (girl screaming)



So let me go.

I saw God's gore.

I cannot be sure,

I believe what I'm fighting for (response to girl--repeats till end) (Meat loaf moment)

Well, I saw that this has been sitting here for ten days with no replies, and I haven't done a critique for two weeks (school, ugh!), so I clicked on it and read it.

I have to say I'm actually quite impressed. Is this your first song? There are mistakes and things I would change, but a lot of it's really good and I think you've done a great job! You should feel proud of yourself.

The Cold shiver of getting into Bed,

A lost thought running out of my head, These first two lines are really good and I can easily hear a tune.

Somewhere between the wind and the shine,

You're in me,

You're all mine. I'm not so sure about these three. They seem a bit off. I think this one need to be longer.

And the mood is sensitive,

The mood is true. These two lines don't work for me. I can't put them with a tune. I'd change them.

Everything I've Done, I've done for you. (opening verse, sounds like seducing whisper)
(attitude= I know something you don't and I'll never tell) The last line is good, but having the bits in brackets is really annoying. I don't read them until I get to the end of he verse, and I believe that with a good song, you can hear a tune n the words and don't need something like this.



I've watched you and I fall,

From out of my head and into your skull. These two lines are very confusing. What do you mean? I'd change them to something more clear.

What you didn't want,

I only wanted more. (bridge to verse---decresendo and accented towards end) Better, but still not great. I think they need to be longer. And same again for the brackets. Delete.



I TOLD YOU.... (words attack listener--strong not forceful)

love is not enough.

I feel a little more rough.

This thing called tough,

I think I'm losing touch. (stacato style--dictioned stance with attitude) This verse is very amateur. This may be your first song, don't know, but from what I've seen above, you can do better than this. It's confusing and a bit boring. I would definitely think of something different to put here.



Now she's screaming.

She's learned how to roar.

She's Heaven on her Knees,

Scratching at your door. (bridge to outro----sound chaotic, words strong but calm) Cool. I like this verse, although I'm still a bit confused as to what you're getting at.



We are nothing in the cries.

We are nothing if we have never tried.

We are nothing you can buy.

We are are nothing to God, but a lie. (girl screaming) I love this verse. There's something about it that I really like. Great job!



So let me go.

I saw God's gore.

I cannot be sure,

I believe what I'm fighting for (response to girl--repeats till end) (Meat loaf moment) Not as great, but still pretty good.



Overall I think you've got a pretty good song here. Yes, there are bits I'd change, but there's a lot of good stuff there.

Good luck!