Moonfield (Chapter 2)

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Chapter 1
Thanks to clograbby and sugarbowl for editing tips.

Chapter 2

“Okay, you're lucky. You got me. And I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.” Mark said, while walking out to the closest field on the left, his protegé hanging on his every word. “Field three is mine. You will not find a cleaner field on this farm. I get it at least every other day, and I go through it with a fine-toothed comb.” He paused to look back at the new Timas, staggering behind, not used to Mark's pace. “Keep up now, time is important. As I was saying, if you get field three, you can thank me for the freebie.”
They made it to their destination and it was immediately obvious that Mark was true to his word. Field three was lined with rows of cabbage and rhubarb, the soil between was almost black as a result of being so clean and well-maintained.
“We'll just lift the leaves and grab the few weeds from under the plants. Easy right?”
“Okay.” The new guy finally spoke up. “Where do I start?”
“You head over to the far corner and work your way up and down the rows. I'll start here and meet you in the middle.”
Mark was taking full command of Timas, with more interest in teaching him than in frightening him. Even so, Tim' was so nervous about screwing up that he took every order Mark dished out with no arguments.
Mark was impressed with Timas' performance. He had nearly met him at the center of the field, meaning they had kept almost the same pace, which was promising to say the least.
“Not bad kid.” He said, as they met at a rhubarb plant. Mark lifted the large leaves off of the ground and grabbed a few scattered weeds, throwing them in his bucket.
Mark motioned for Timas to follow him to field four. They arrived at a fence and with a fluid hop Mark was over and into the next field. Timas awkwardly lifted himself over the crude wooden planks, one leg at a time.
“Okay, same routine. You head for the far end and meet me in the middle.”
A sharp, cold feeling snapped against Mark's neck. After rubbing it quickly he examined his palm to find the remains of a single drop of rain.
“Ah, great. Well, we're gonna have to be quick on this one, the heavens are opening. Let's get a move on.”
With that, Timas ran for the far end of field four, which was filled with stalks of corn. It was late summer, so the stalks were shoulder height, but still tall enough that Mark wouldn't know where Tim' was until they met up later.
Mark gazed upward. The sky was still a bright blue, evenly spaced clouds garnished the air, with a few slightly darker than the others. In the distance the clouds grew thicker and darker, but Mark was certain it would not interfere with their work, so he dropped to one knee and began brushing the soil with his palms in search of more weeds.
Mark's thoughts began to wander. Small thoughts of everyday events and menial aspirations. He was a bit disappointed that he would be docked pay today, he was hoping to finally get his door lock fixed. On that note, he was probably going to need to buy some new sandals in the next few days. Typically if you lost something on the farm, someone else had found it and claimed it as their own. Many of the residents with whom Mark didn't interact had no scruples when it came to property. 'Finders keepers' applied heavily at the farm for a lot of them and was a reality that everyone, including Mark, had accepted.
There were ten rows of corn in field number four. Each with twenty or so stalks. Mark was nearing the end of the second row on his half so he stood up to stretch his back, and to see if he could catch a glimpse of Timas' progress.
When he was fully upright, he noticed the tops of the corn stalks moving about lightly. The wind had picked up a little since they had started. Even with the breeze, it was still a hot summer day so it was kind of refreshing to have the wind blow the heat off of his shoulders.
Through the rows of dancing plants Mark could see a bit of color. Tim' was keeping good time, and Mark was putting faith in his abilities. If it turned out that he had missed a bunch of weeds, it was on Mark's neck, but it didn't phase him too much. He was sure Luke would understand.
A few minutes later Mark was on his knees, brushing the ground of the fourth row, snatching up any traces of green that revealed themselves to him. Judging by the rustling Mark could hear just few feet away from him, Tim' would likely meet him dead center once again.
Mark's bucket was starting to hold a reasonable amount of weight. He found himself having to jerk it from the ground if he wanted to move it. This field, it seems, had been neglected lately, the rain seemed to be bulking it up a bit as well.
Mark had been finding more than his fair share of weeds which had had time to grow roots miles long. They gave him some challenges, some cuts and a quarter or two to add to the swear jar that evening, but in no time at all he found himself on the end of the sixth row, with Tim' working furiously at the opposite end. Minutes later they met at the middle, with a slight advantage by Mark.
“Nicely done Kid, you've got a good handle on this. You should be out on your own in a couple days.”
“Thanks.” said Tim, slightly out of breath. “It's gonna take a while for my hands to get used to this.” He lifted his arms and showed Mark his hands, palms forward. They were red and scratched from spiny and barbed weeds.
“Yeah, don't worry about that, you'll get calloused up quicker than you can imagine.” Mark replied. As the words left his mouth he felt two cold droplets explode on his head, followed by one more after a slight delay, then another, and another until he and Timas were both running for the tool sheds under a downpour of rain.
When they made it down Mark threw open a big wooden bin, tossed the contents of his weed-bucket inside and motioned for Tim' to do the same.
“Alright bud. We're going to have to skip on number five today. Put your tools and bucket over on the wall there,” he pointed to the main tool shed “and you can take off. I have to stop at my place and then I'm heading for the lodge if you need me. See you later.”
“Okay, bye, thanks.” Tim' said, trying to get a word in.
Tim ran off to wherever he was going, and Mark, after hanging up his bucket, ran in the direction of his house, slipping and nearly falling in the rapidly forming mud as he went.




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alright... its still the same thing.. i think.. i did alot of skimming.. and if youw ant to knwo why.. ill tell you.. because i didnt see anything new or exciting.. if i got it right it was just this guy training this other guy to pick weeds.. adn then it rained.. and then he slipped.. oh and i liked the first chapters ending.. but this was bland.. you know.. i dont know.. are they on the moon? cause if i missed that then... well i wish i wouldnt of.. cause that would be pretty cool... and if you they arent on themoon and if you werent planning to put them on the moon.. then im taking the idea... so. i dont knwo.. let me know if they are on the moon... cause other wise its mine
purple bunnies hop at midnight




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They're not on the moon ;)

If you would believe it, this is my fourth attempt at writing the same story. On one of those attempts I did exactly what you're implying I'm not doing, which is just getting straight to the point, right into the action.

I started re-writing it this time with the intention of giving a super strong idea of what his life on the farm was like (the boring stuff) because.... well... I'm not giving away the story, but I have my reasons so hah!




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Hmmm....I have to agree with Xena. This chapter isn't as interesting as the first. So it started to rain, big deal? It doesn't seem like this chapter will really tie with anything very important to the story, other than how Mark's life is on the farm.




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Cool, but I'm still not sure of the the setting. Consider answering questions like: what type of farm is this? what are they doing here? How old is mark and what does he look like? these are simple questions but nesecary for giving the reader a foundation.

I understand you don't want to go to the action right away but there are still ways of making it less tedious and boring. One way is to Have more dialouge. Make Mark and Tim start forming a relationship that could be many different things Maybe the don't like each other. Maybe MArk is annoyed at TIm.Maybe They become freinds.

Anything you can do to sustain the reader because this point I have set aside the book.

Keep up the good work! :!:
all wars are civil wars, since all men are brothers




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I find it so interesting, and also so frustrating that people are making the same comments about my pace being too slow.

I've been writing this in standard 4"x6" pages, most paperback novels share this page size, some adding larger margins for asthetics and whatnot. Each of my chapters, in these dimensions is only about 4 pages.

So honestly, I don't think that I've paced it too slowly. Maybe for the internet where people have less committed attention spans as opposed to sitting down to read an actual book, I have. But I've really only written about 15 pages on the menialities of the farm, which seems like a lot less than some novels that I've read that have done very well.

Maybe I just need to make it worthwhile by making the following chapters more interesting while still using the first four as the strong foundation I wanted.

Though in my defence, that was the plan all along. :?




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Bradsk88,
Good job, yet again! You are capturing everything perfect. I could barely find anything in the line-by-line critique attached to the bottom. You make my job hard, dude.

You are having some issues with punctuation in your dialog, though.

“You shouldn’t do it like this.” Said Sally.

“But you should do it like this,” said Billy.

You see what I’m saying? Don’t put a full stop at the end of the dialog if you are saying “so-and-so said”.
I hope that makes a little bit of sense.

Your story is coming along very nicely. It’s moving at a reasonable pace, and I love the short chapters.
Let’s me hurry through them so I can find out what’s going to happen next. I’m sorry I can’t offer a huge critique—I just can’t find anything! Like I said, you are too good.

-Jared
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Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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Thanks a lot. I was hoping someone might mention the proper punctuation for dialogue 'cause I hardly put any thought into it, both sound right to me even though I know one is wrong. I suppose the mindset I should get into is that
"hey," he said
is a sentence all encompassed. I'm sure I'll get it with time.

In case you're wondering, these replies go straight to my cell phone, that's why I often reply in minutes :P

Thank you very much for the advice and the support. :D




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Well i will echo some of the comments made. Nothing has really happened. I mean to be honest you probably could have grouped this with the first chapter to make one larger chapter.

However i would definetly say that the narrative is of a high standard. Excellent descriptions, intersting vocabulary, pretty much there on spelling puncuation etc.

keep going, im sure that the story will find it self as you get further and further into it

keep it up



Now I realize that there is no righteous path, it’s just people trying to do their best in a world where it is far too easy to do your worst.
— Castiel