Splinters

Splinters
Shattered into splinters,
the shards of my heart
shine in the moonlight.
I stare into one,
scrabbling in futility
for a fragment of the chain
of honesty that bound us together.

The chain snapped
the moment she tore
out of the house, breaking
inexorably into pitiless rage.
What rubble remains?
The scattered shards of memories
that lie stitched in sorrow.

Hey, Gahks!

You win for using the word "splinter"--it's such an interesting image, and though makes no sense literally, is a lot of fun. I also enjoyed the way you juxtaposed the two points of view. It was a cool little merger of poetry and fiction, which was cool to see.

There were a few lines in here that bordered on being purple:

the shards of my heart

shine in the moonlight.

It's kind of inevitable that you're going to end up with some trite lines whenever you use the word "heart", so it's important that you find some way to make it a lot more unique. Moonlight and sorrow seem to go together; or at least, they sell really well. Just because they're used often doesn't make them good. Instead, think of a way to word it so that it feels more unique: "the shards of my ventricles / glisten against dark".

Your last line didn't make a lot of sense to me, mainly because you talk of splinters before the fact--you'd think those splinters would be included in the rubble, as well. Make sure that when you sum things up at the end, or just in using metaphors in general, that you keep things consistent and tie them up neatly. What other things were included in the wreckage?

__

Thanks for the read, Gahks! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or want me to take a closer look at something. ^_^

There's just something about a poem so simple and evocative that I just can't stop loving it.







I really liked your language in here. I love the word fury for some reason and I love it when it's used in poetry.






I also liked the way you separated those two words when the chain broke. I noticed it immediately and thought it really brought out the feel of the poem.






Sounds like a shattered friendship to me when I first read it.






I like this. It makes me sad.

Wow. Very touching. Yes, it sounds something like a broken friendship/relationship. Simple but meaningful.
Just try more to deep into the meaning. Overall, a good poem.

Keep up the good work!

Hey, buddy....how are you? Saw your poem I don't know where so I read it...and here's the review...not much of it..lol

Gahks wrote:Splinters

Shattered into splinters,
the shards of my heart
shine in the moonlight.
I stare into one,
scrabbling in futility
for a fragment of the chain
of honesty [s]that bound us together[/s].c All this is good for itself but it's too long (actually almost 1/4 of your poem...)

The chain snapped
the moment she tore I really don't understand this. Maybe I'm illiterate, but I have had problems with this two verses. Is punctuation maybe wrong?
out of the house, breaking
inexorably into pitiless rage.
What rubble remains?
The scattered shards of memories
that lie stitched in sorrow.

This is an example of what lyric poetry should be... Brilliant pictures here. Except those "two verses", I enjoyed reading this. Oh, and "heart" in the 2nd verse: Sam was right about it...