You know what's weird? I'm currently working on a story entitled 'Night Terrors' and its pretty much on the same topic, although different in nature. I was a bit creeped out by the similarity actually, ha ha.
So, I'm a bit conflicted by the style in which you've written this. On the one hand, I feel as though it shouldn't have been done - it is, oddly enough, quite alienating. You did this and you did that don't quite work because *you* the reader, are quite aware that you are in fact doing nothing and that what's more, it is being narrated. It's a very intrusive authorial style; too dictatorial.
Having said that, I don't think it can work any other way, which is quite annoying needless to say - the contradiction is jarring. I know this because as I mentioned, I am writing a similar story and I became aware, almost instantly, that it wasn't going to work - at least, nowhere near as effectively as it should. It goes beyond the writing style though - the reason I decided to stop writing it (strangely enough, for you own Black Horror contest) is because I was too aware that what I was doing was contrived - too deliberately meant to scare. I believe, to some extent, that this is the case here.
Don't get me wrong - I think you've written it very well and that despite the intrusion, it's very neatly done - but I wasn't scared or horrified in even the slightest way. True horror can't be contrived; it has to well up deep within the darkest part of you. Or so I think anyway. So while this was a well done, reworking of an old idea, I don't think it achieved its ultimate objective.
I enjoyed it. And it made me think, which is always good.
Cheers
