bananas: the afternoon snack

my stomach starts growling, in the late afternoon
my mother simply says,"supper will be ready soon"
but my haunger just can't wait
so I go to the place where we refrigerate.
I look there and find many a snack
but only one catches my eye on the fruit rack
it's long, ripe, and bright yellow
it would make a good snack for any fellow
it's a banana yes indeed
delicious, nutritious, all the vitamins you need,
now my hunger has ceased, hip hip horay
I'll eat a banana everyday!


This is kinda like a remix of another poem i wrote that wasn't really good
hopefully you'll like this one better

ok, so your obsessed with bananas, what else is new?

alright, so in this poem, i couldn't really feel much of a flow through out the whole thing, that might have just been me, but i didn't.
sorry.
several of the lines and rhymes came across as a bit forced.

i'm sorry to say that this poem did virtually nothing for me.
i'd suggest looking back and re-doing most of the lines so that they have more of a smoothness to them and do some major editing

sorry if this didn't help much. and i didn't mean to come across as hating on you or your bananas.
good luck with future writings!


-GC10

Punctutation is your friend, and you have thrown its friendly overtures aside.

my stomach starts growling, in the late afternoon

my mother simply says,"supper will be ready soon"

Should be,

My stomach starts growling in the late afternoon.
My mother simply says, "Supper will be ready soon."

but my haunger just can't wait

so I go to the place where we refrigerate.

Should be,

But my hunger just can't wait,
so I go to the place where we refrigerate.

This is an awkward rhyme. "The place where we refrigerate"? It doesn't even make very good sense.

I look there and find many a snack

but only one catches my eye on the fruit rack

Should be,

I look there and find many a snack,
but only one catches my eye on the fruit rack.

The last line is too long and the rythym is off.

it's long, ripe, and bright yellow

it would make a good snack for any fellow

Should be,

It's long, ripe and bright yellow;
it would make a good snack for any fellow.

it's a banana yes indeed

delicious, nutritious, all the vitamins you need,

It's a banana, yes indeed.
Delicious, nutritious, all the vitamins you need.

now my hunger has ceased, hip hip horay

I'll eat a banana everyday!

Should be,

Now my hunger has ceased, hip hip hooray!
I'll eat a banana everyday!


--

Personally, I really don't like bananas. However, according to the Doctor, Bananas Are Good! so I shall lay my bias aside.

The rhymes in this poem are obviously rhymes. They're not smooth or subtle. Take Dr Suess, and his wonderful rhymes in The Cat in the Hat and Fox in Socks and Green Eggs and Ham. They flow really naturally, and they don't make the story stiff or unnatural at all.

Everyone says that to write poetry you must read poetry. As I don't read much poetry, and I stink at it, I think that there's good logic in that. Plus it goes just the same for writing prose. So read lots of poetry, and really work hard at the rhymes. If you're going to have rhymes, they have to be good, otherwise the poem falls down in a muddy puddle and drowns.

Don't get discouraged by this! Poetry is the best words in the best order (this phrase is copyrighted) which makes it horrendously difficult to write. Imho, anyway. Keep writing!

Tee-Hee, i cant stop laughing... HEheHe....

so I go to the place where we refrigerate.

<- wow... classic.

anyway on with the review, I found it a good poem. But to me it struck as a limerick/ comic relief, granted your rhyming was good the words you chose had extreme comic effect. Now if this was intended good work! Then again if it wasn't i don't know how to help you.

I wont go into a full review because it will just clog your thread and it has been done above...

Tee-hee-hee.. *sorry*

Gabe wrote:my stomach starts growling, in the late afternoon
my mother simply says,"supper will be ready soon"
but my haunger just can't wait
so I go to the place where we refrigerate.
I look there and find many a snack
but only one catches my eye on the fruit rack
it's long, ripe, and bright yellow
it would make a good snack for any fellow
it's a banana yes indeed
delicious, nutritious, all the vitamins you need,
now my hunger has ceased, hip hip horay
I'll eat a banana everyday!


This is kinda like a remix of another poem i wrote that wasn't really good
hopefully you'll like this one better

How cute!

You have to work on grammar and spelling, but I thought this was adorable. That doesn't mean I took it seriously, though!

Your rhyming added to the humor, as i think i can said.

Thanks for giving me a smile.

P.S I do like this one better.

hah niceee... umm that was the most random thing ever, but hey, i guess thats just you... =D keep writing!

Bananas? Alright, I suppose I'm not better since I wrote a story about a penny. Nevertheless, seems a bit forced.

Lol
I loved this!
The rhyming seemed effortless,
and the whole thing in general made me smile.

I don't know what's up with all of these people and punctuation.
I never punctuate poems.
Is there a rule that I haven't heard of or something?

Great, now I'm craving a banana...

I thought this poem was cute. Lot's of humor and good rhyming.

The only thing you have to work on it capitalization and punctuation. Please don't forget that as a writer, it's a must!

Since I have noting more to say than that, let me just say, banana is my favorite fruit! Wee! I'm practically a monkey by heart, all my relatives are.

Okay, good job well done, dude!

Peace,
Casey

Damn...This is so hilarious I have nothing to complain so much as to write a review. Just the usual, tragic grammar errors. All hail the mighty banana !