A cul de sac

Darkness wraps me inside
Ever, ever again...
The soothing power holds me tight
Why, in the name of Lord, why?
It won't let me go, still I feel free
But I'm not sorry.

My lashes reach for the ceiling
I have been blinder than the alley
But I see nothing
There wasn't a thing I couldn't see
The pillow of night descends on my eyes
Now I am a strong birch tree

There's nothing here I miss
Golden chain through my fingers
All of it has disappeared
The pearls of the opaque eyes
But maybe that's best for me
A cul de sac – once again.

Great poem. Very unique and innovative vocabulary, such as using an alleyway to capture an atmosphere of bleakness, darkness, and as you put it, blindness.

Now I am a strong birch tree

This is a very good metaphor, birch is a very sturdy and strong wood. So I guess it's better than Oak!

The use of italics really stood out as it's the first time I've seen this style used in poetry but it really helped distinguish the lines and add emphasis.

Overall, I'm not a poetry expert, but I rather enjoyed this short and nice piece.

Sincerely,
-Elitehusky

I agree, an excellent poem. The fact that you symbolize both development, and the end of said development (which is commanly forgotten by many writers symbolising such objectisisym) is breathtaking.

I might suggest something. Firstly, this suggestion has nothing to do about critisizing your work, as it is fantastic. But I merely suggest that you might try to write in a thrid person view. Though it is found enjoyable to portray one's self, to portray one's self through another is fascinating.

Hey, Demeter! What's up?

Before I begin, I have to tell you that I haven't been especially great with critiquing poems, so this might be full of praises. But hey, we all need an uplifting comment every now and then.

Why in the name of Lord, why?

This reads a bit awkward. I would change it to, "In the name of the Lord, why? Why?

It won't let me go, still I feel free

Hm... I would insert an 'and' after the comma.

Erm... isn't a cul de sac one of the circles in a neighborhood? That's what my friend just told me. I didn't know what the word meant...so now I'm confused. I'm Captain Obvious, so I don't really get into poetry that means something deeper than it is superficially. The first bit was really good. I could feel what you wanted me to feel and the rhymes and the meter was dead on.

I love the second stanza because it all contradicts with each other. Very clever. See? All I'm doing is praising you.

Like I said, I'm superly superficial, so I can't tell what this poem is talking about. I'm sorry. That's why I stick to prose. Much easier to understand. The last paragraph probably had this beautiful meaning to it, but I can't understand it. [/fails at poetry]

Well.. uh... best of luck!

-Jared

Hello D, of course I'll critique your poem. I actually thought I'd reviewed it before, but I must have read it late one night before going to bed. So here I am!

Man, this was an interesting read. All of your work, and it's s trait that prevails whether your writing prose, non-fiction or poetry, has an honest, flawless conviction to it. I like the way your able to articulate your thoughts clearly to the reader, and there's always a strong emotion to your words, especially in this, that makes reading this very rewarding and endearing.

The poem itself is surprisingly complex, so much so that I actually had to re-read it several times to understand the overall theme of the poem. What I interpreted the meaning as was a dead end of sorts, the way the speaker feels like the walls are closing in on them, and the frustration is played out expertly in a couple of good metaphors. The birch tree is great, although I'm slightly confused by this one:

Golden chain through my fingers

Could you maybe post an explanation of that here? Or even PM me about that? It really intrigued me, because I sort of imagined something precious escaping you.

Anyway, I loved reading this- even if I did feel confused at times. Believe me, it's not anything on your part that's caused this, it's just me and my mind turning to mush during my holidays. Hopefully I'll get a PM sent to you later today before I go- I'm going to Scotland for a fortnight, because I wanted to congratulate you in earnest for becoming a featured member!

Love and Luck,

Eimear

Hey! I love this poem, another person said this too but it's very unique. I really don't have anything to critique you on.

The pillow of the night descends on my eyes

This line is my favorite...I'm not exactly sure why. It gives a..gentle feeling..haha.

I'm not sure what else to say because this is a very well written poem.

Well..keep writing because I love your poems!!

__horsez919

This is another one of your great poems. I didn't quite understand the begining, I think you could've explained a lot more. The size of your poem could have been a lot bigger, too. Was the character you were explaining going between thinking and reality, because I think that was the part that confused me the most. You have a different way of writing and hopefully you never change that. I like your style. Can't wait for more. Now i understand that you were telling two stories in one!!Nice!!

Darkness wraps me inside

Ever, ever again

Its soothing power holds me tight

Why in the name of Lord, why?

It won't let me go, still I feel free

But I'm not sorry.
I love this as your starting stanza Demeter, it's great


My lashes reach for the ceiling

I have been blinder than the alley

But I see nothing

There wasn't a thing I didn't see

The pillow of the night descends on my eyes
I adore that line
Now I am a strong birch tree



There's nothing here I miss

Golden chain through my fingers

All of it has gone away

The pearls of the eyes

But maybe that's best for me

A cul de sac – once again.
Great ending too

Hey Demeter

Ok; I really enjoyed this poem. You choose great words to depict your message, this creates a fantastic image of what you are trying to portray. Like mentioned before you choose great language, words and metaphors. My favourite line has to be:

The pillow of the night descends on my eyes

I just adore it! It's simply amazing Demeter. I also love the part about pearls and chains, again shows your skills perfectly.

All in all
I loved this poem. I really did Demeter. It was great, I couldn't find any mistakes, except maybe:

The pillow of the night descends on my eyes

I'd maybe just have
The pillow of the night descends my eyes
The on seems to slightly disrupt the fantastic flow, but if you like it, then it's fine to keep it. Just a matter of preference. Keep writing poetry, it's great and PM me if you've got anything else you'd like me to review
-Kirsten x

I liked it. Did you know cul de sac is Latin for "Bottom of the bag"? I like how you mix in the italicized lines. It really draws your eye to the poem. Maybe I'm just picky, but you could've added some more punctuation. But with the poem itself, I couldn't find anything wrong. Great job.

Hey Dem, here by request .

Hmm... YWS just ate my review. Let's try again. Anyway, because I'm going to be of little use here, I'll go ahead and look at another one for you.

Its soothing power holds me tight

Why, exactly, is it soothing? Does it offer something calm? Just give us something to work with.

Well, I feel useless. You see, I loved this poem and although you could expand certain parts, I'm glad you didn't because it gives the reader something to search for and offer an interpretation. Was the idea of a cul de sac to try and say that the narrator has reached the end and must turn back, or can only turn back, or that everything's dying at the "end"? I love the idea of it, but I'm guessing I'm wrong. I loved how it flowed, but I find that last lines really have to be clear, since the reader has to feel the impact of it. I didn't get it the first time, nor second, but after a few read-throughs I understood it.

In other words, definitely submit this to the journal, and good luck with it!

Best,
Mark

I really liked it!

I have been blinder than the alley

I love that line!
I think this work it great just how it is, there's really nothing I can critique you on.
Nothing like a well-written poem about overcoming life.
Keep it up!

I like how you put feeling into this; when I read this it felt like there was something behind the words. to me it kind of seemed like you (or the character I guess) was trying to get through the process of something repeating it's-self. The first stanza makes me think that the character is dying slowly inside, possibly because of loss. i really like this piece though because i really have to think to get the meaning out of it. I believe you did a wonderful job using the description as well.
really well written!

--Ash.

My absolute favorite line, out of the entire poem, is this one,

The pearls of the opaque eyes

Pearls, typically white, represent purity, whilst the adjective "opaque" represents something one cannot see through, such as an enigma. This almost describes a false sense of security. Or that's what I gathered. If I'm misreading, I do apologize.

Nice piece, and I thank you for sharing.

~Panda;;