Action Trans!

10 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2384
Reviews 107
Haha, okay guys before you start getting thoughts from the topic description, this is a story my buddy Peyton [moon14] and I came up with. It's very intriguing actually. I write one chapter, Peyton writes the next. This chapter I wrote. So... I hope you enjoy!

Action Trans: Chapter 1

It was a cold, dreary night in October. A young woman at the age of twenty-six made her way down 4th Avenue of New York City, scared of the danger lurking every shadow. Bundled in her arms was a baby of seven weeks, quiet as ever. The blue eyed woman peeked around the corner, her eyes greeting a tall, dark man. He held out his hands in a fashionably manor and the woman tucked the baby closer to her chest. The man took a step forward, “Nelly, it’s time.”
The woman looked down at the baby and back up at the man, sorrow written all over her small face. She handed the baby over to the man, reached down and kissed it’s cheek. “I’ll miss you, little one.” She whispered, then disappeared down the dark streets. The man watched after her then lowered his eyes down to the baby. “Welcome to my foster home.” He smiled, then walked up the stairs of the old brick building.

-Twenty-one and a half years later-

“Sparkle!” Sparkle Shay opened her eyes, the sun pouring under her drooping lids. She plopped herself up on her elbows, looking around the wood-walled room. She swung her legs over the side of the old, creaking bed and padded to her door. She opened it and saw her two year boyfriend, Michelangelo.
“Hey Mikey!” Sparkle hugged her boyfriend, then walked over to make her bed.
“So… today’s the big day! I’m really sad to see you go.” Mikey dug his hands in his tattered jeans. Sparkle stopped and faced him.
“Aw, Mikey I’m sorry! But I need to get out of this place…” Sparkle hugged him then went back to making her bed. Mikey was quiet after that, upset enough that his girlfriend was moving out into the big city that day.

“Do you have enough clothes? What about money?”
“Carl, I’m alright!” Sparkle laughed as she stepped down the old marble steps of Carl’s Foster Home. Carl trailed behind her, still disliking the idea of Sparkle setting off into the city so soon. The whole morning from breakfast to now, Carl's been asking questions to make sure she'd be alright. Ever since that cold, dark night in October when Sparkle was dropped off, Carl has been like a father to her. Sparkle stopped a taxi cab and rounded the rear end, opening the trunk to place her limited bags in. She walked around the car and opened the door until a hand was placed on her shoulder. She turned and Mikey stared down at her.
“I’m gonna miss you real bad.” He stated.
“I’m going to miss you too Michelangelo.” Sparkle kissed him on the cheek and then climbed into the cab.

***

“I can’t believe this! It’s been six months and no word from her!” Michelangelo paced back and forth of his room. Carl sat in the chair at the broken desk, his hands placed together.
“Son, she’s probably been really busy. Maybe she’s scared but doesn’t want us to know!” Carl tried to persuade Mikey that Sparkles just been busy.
“She wont even return my phone calls!” Mikey whispered, hurt.
“Well, son. Look her up in the yellow pages!” Carl joked, getting up. “Meanwhile, I have to go start dinner for the others. It should be ready in a half an hour.” Carl made his way out of the room. Mikey sat on the bed and thought.
“I will.” He decided, and went to go find the nearest phone book.

***

Sparkle looked at herself in the mirror, gaping at what she saw. “Oh… my god.” She gasped. Sparkle has become isolated from all her friends back at the foster home for only one reason: she has transformed into a man.
Last edited by day tripper on Sat Jul 12, 2008 12:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 33
Olivia and Peyton,

First off let me note a few mistakes and other stuff I saw.

-“Do you have enough cloths? What about money?”-

Clothes is spelt wrong. Hehe.

-“So… today’s the big day! I’m really sad to see you go.” Mikey dug his hands in his tattered jeans. Sparkle stopped and faced him,-

I think that instead of a comma at the end, it should be a period.

-“Carl, I’m alright!”-

Explain better who carl is. It just goes right into Carl, like it never said she left her room and met another man down the hall. And who asked if she had enough clothes and money? Carl? Michaelangelo?

-“I’m going to miss you too Michelangelo.” Sparkle kissed him on the cheek and then climbed into the cab.

* * *

“I can’t believe this! It’s been six months and no word from her!” Michelangelo paced back and forth of his room. Carl sat in the chair at the broken desk, his hands placed together.-

Between these two paragraphs there should be something that indicates that it has been six months like some little * * * or something like that, like how I put it up above. You know? It just runs more smoothly like that.

-“I will.” He decided, and went to go find the nearest phone book.

* * *

Sparkle looked at herself in the mirror, gaping at what she saw. “Oh… my god.” She gasped. Sparkle has become isolated from all her friends back at the foster home for only one reason: she has transformed into a man.-

Also between these two paragraphs. It should show that it has switched from Michaelangelo to Sparkle.

Loved it though! Especially the last paragraph! Can hardly wait till all the Trans Action starts! Sparkle, very origional. PM when you guys have more up!

-Ailam
Buh-Bye!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3015
Reviews 157
I liked it. Ailam covered everything, I think, but I liked the twist. :)
Meshugenah says to (18:12:36):
Kat's my new favorite. other than Sachi.

WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2384
Reviews 107
thanks!:D

I'm not sure when Peyton starts Chapter 2,
but I hope it's soon! I'm excited to see what
she comes up with!

*bounces in chair with excitement*
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 27
Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! I will post very soon my friends! Look out for it 'cuase it could be on at any time!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 37
Day Tripper (by the way, did you know that is a Beatle's song?),

Haha. Whoa, and I thought people on this site only wrote serious stuff for a while there! I'm glad there's a funny side too!

I don't see any grammer mistakes, really. The other criters pretty much covered it all.

Develope the charectors more. What does Sparkle look like, what is Michaelangelo's past? Why did the mother have to drop her baby off at the orphanage in the first place?

Slow down and add onto this!

PM me when you have more up, I'll definetely read more of this.

-Sadie




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1207
Reviews 86
Ha this was soo great! I loved the ending and the thought of a transvestite superhero is amazing!!
I'm not going to mention the mistakes because others have already stated them but I can't wait for more of this!

~Dommy
This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do,
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute?




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 70
humm i guess it was pretty good,, so far. well, actually I just pretty much liekd the ending... the only thing i can see that gives sparkle any personality really is her name.. and that she wants to go to the city for some reason.. and thats some boyfriend...all she gives him is a half assed goodbye and a kiss on the cheek, and hes been her bf for how long? and even after that, he still misses her.. after six months?! thats one.. stupid... or should say.. weird, guy.. or is he actually mikelangelo from the turtles, and he really cant find anybody else? now that was be a bit interesting... and yea you really need some transistions in there. like do you have any money?
ill be alirght carl.. i thought mikealangelo was a shapeshifter and morphed into some guy named carl... to better clarify you could of put like.... do you have enough clothes and money? im moving to new york almost out of the blue, what do you think? of course i dont, can you help? thats what i thought, now get the F out of my way, sparkly said as she headed downstairs. Carl, her foster father,, greeted her.. or something like that.. not that, thats dumb.. but something like that. i mean, i got that she was then talkign to a different person.. but i just felt weird... and... "lurking every shadow... was that meant like that.. i dont know if that makes any sense tho.. like i guess danger could lurk shadows, but what does that mean, like maybe did you mean, lurked IN or AROUND every shadow?... and you could cut down on the "thens".. like she gave him the baby then disapeared, or, she watched her run and then lowered his eyes,, yea especially since there so close together... like she gave him the baby and disapeared, or he watched her disapear into the shadows period. the grey man looked down at the baby.. you kwnow ath i mean.. but hey... whatever, i wanna see how and why she grows a penis. pms me when its done? coolio
purple bunnies hop at midnight




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 27
okay guys... sorry i've put off writing the next chapter but alot of things have come up

just give me like maybe a week an i'll have posted it ^_^




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2384
Reviews 107
HAHAH omg.
i loved the reviews.
Guys Im a romance writer like crazy
this was a goofy thing that I wrote
in like five minutes because peyton
and i are taking turns. Also, Peyton
isn't much of a romancer so I tried
to keep the romance out of it.

thanks for the reviews and Xena
yer review killed me.

Sadie, I KNOW I LOVE BEATLES;D
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.



Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman