Broomstick 8 Travel

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Rain pummelled against Thomas’s face as he walked up the staircase leading to the ship’s deck. He had been on the Hungarian vessel for slightly over a day and presumed he would be staying longer. However early this morning the entire dormitory of Irish Dragons, their adopted title, was woken to Hungarian Husky crewmates, students slightly older then themselves, passing instructions concerning their departure from the ship.

He turned to face a girl beside him who carried a look of confidence and grace.

“Do you know where they are taking us?” he asked, brushing his sleeve against his glasses to clear his view but failing miserably as everything just became more blurry.

They are taking us nowhere but the deck of this ship and we’ll be transferred, probably by another means of transportation from there.” she concluded, parting her short blonde hair.

“Thanks.” Thomas replied removing his glasses from his face and successfully cleaning them this time with his changed green shirt he had picked from the dorm’s closet.

He felt a bit nervous, not knowing what was about to happen next as they continued to follow the group of students from the plane crash that had forced their unplanned rescue. A gust of wind blew through them, triggering some of the girls behind him to whisper even more. The oak staircase spiralled up until the foggy blue skyline became visible. As they gathered around the middle of the deck Thomas inched closer to get a better view at what everyone else was looking at.

“…and now, due to unforeseen events and the increase in danger for not only yourself, but the ship flagged by the Hungarian Husky house league, you must get to Bagintons Academy as quickly as possible.”

A hand piped up in the audience, “Question yes.” said the elderly woman speaking who dressed in a bright yellow rain poncho.

It was he same girl Thomas had asked earlier who now had a question.

“My name’s Rebecca Roberts, and what increase in danger is there now? We all survived the emergency landing didn’t we.”

“Thank you Ms. Roberts for your concern but to answer your question yes, I’m pleased to report that everyone on that old plane survived even Jerry the pilot, though I don’t know why he always insists on flying new students on it but the danger is still around all of you. Whatever brought down those Bulgarian dragons towing the plane, I do not know. But I do know that it was not an accident.”

Murmurs started to circulate through the crowd as a wave collided with the eastern side spraying water into the faces of the students parked nearby.

“Look!”

Another student pointed towards the clouds above as what appeared to be tiny black birds became larger as they descended from the water vapour. They swept down on their broomsticks, circling four times before landing on the slippery deck. Thomas counted fourteen riders each draped in a green cloak with drenched hoods pulled over their faces.

“Hello there Mr. Blair.” The elderly woman said calmly facing the person with the broomstick covered in The Static Cannons’ stickers.

“Ahoy there, are you lad and lasses ready to get out of here! I can’t here you!”

A mix of much needed laughter and screaming bubbled through the crowd. The man then casually removed his hood and a pair of swimming goggles from his face revealing his smooth skin. His black bushy hair was uncombed parting, wildly covering his ears but what stood out the most was his long nose. His blue eyes met Thomas’s. Looking away quickly towards the panting riders on the deck Thomas saw Bajnok approach the group.

“So Hogart, it appears that your house’s fitness level may need some minor improvements,” he said staring down at the students parked alongside their broomstick.

It appeared that Hogart was Mr. Blair’s first name as he walked towards the Hungarian captain. Thomas moved sideways to get a better glimpse at was going, as the elderly woman, who just appeared to have noticed the two team heads talking broke away from her chat with small group of students, towards the two.

“Enough!” she yelled, quickly but sharply.

“Hi Bob!” a female voice breathed down his neck.

“Ah!” Thomas said in surprise as turned to see Valerie beside him still dressed in her Hungarian uniform from last night. “Where did you come from?” he asked, then realizing that his simple question might be perceived as rude.

“Oh just the training room downstairs,” she answered still looking at, what was now a scramble, on the deck.

Mr. Blair had his arm around Bajnok’s waist and was attempting to lift him up as he screamed, “So you think you can swim!”

Bajnok on the other hand was trying to reach down at one of his pockets, which Thomas guessed, sheltered his wand.

The elderly woman had seemingly given up on trying to break the two apart and was now rummaging through her poncho as both Hungarian students including Igor, and Scottish students, tried to release some of their own frustration on each other. Thomas’s house league was caught in the middle as he noticed Charlie and William entering the ship’s deck through the staircase he had followed earlier.

“Why are they fighting?” he asked Valerie, who was still calmly watching the scramble between Mr. Blair and Bajnok.

She turned around to see the chaos encircling them, “boys….”

“Fair point,” he said, not sure if his pride was hurt or if he was about to laugh.

“Thomas!” he heard Charlie call out as he turned around.

“Meet, Us, Downstairs,” it was still pretty easy to hear him despite the laughter and the fighting but regardless Charlie thought it would be helpful to add hand gestures. One of which resembled a dog, the other a snake, both colliding, followed by two fingers represented feet, running off, before falling down. He was not sure whether Charlie meant that they were going to die, but he then realized he meant relaxing as he rubbed his stomach before pretending to drink a very large invisible container.

Breaking away from the students trying to protect themselves and those trying literally trying to flip other students off the ship’s railings, he manoeuvred his way towards the two.

“Where were you earlier?” he asked noticing a bruise on Charlie’s forehead. “And where did you get that,” he slowly said, raising his hand slightly.

“You see,” Charlie responded, “William and I were at the feast last night and we met this really attractive girl who told us that the kitchen was currently empty and that we could go help ourselves to some more dessert….”

“Only,” William continued, “she was a he with a wig and some fairy dust or makeup on his face,”

“And he locked us in the kitchen until later that night after the feast when I saw Igor passing nearby and yelled for him.”

“Thankfully he heard us.” William concluded, “So we were catching up on some rest, Charlie and I even volunteered to help Igor clean his quarters.”

“You were in Igor’s quarters?” Thomas repeated.

“Yep,” Charlie replied as William continued to look around at the mayhem on the deck.

Suddenly a loud rumble filled the air as they and everyone else standing fell on their bums, “ENOUGH!” echoed the voice as Thomas saw the elderly woman with a wand in her hand.

“Is it too much to ask for some cooperation?”
Last edited by EliteHusky on Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Hey EliteHusky!

He had been on the Hungarian vessel for slightly over a day and presumed he would be staying longer but early this morning the entire dormitory of Irish Dragons, their adopted title, was woken to Hungarian Husky crewmates, students slightly older then themselves, passing instructions concerning their departure from the ship.

Nice intro, but run-on alert! The second sentence here is much too long; split it up into two sentences, I suggest starting where you say "but".

and we’re be transferred, probably my another means of transportation from there

Two typos here.

She concluded parting her short blonde hair.

"she concluded, parting..." Don't capitalize she.

A gust of wind blew through them triggering some of the girls behind him to whisper even more

Comma between "them" and "triggering".

“question yes.” Said the elderly woman

Question should be capitalized, and said shouldn't be.

“My name’s Rebecca Roberts, and what increase in danger is there now? We all survived the emergency landing didn’t we.”

“Thank you Ms. Roberts for your concern but to answer your question yes, I’m pleased to report that everyone on that old plane survived even Jerry the pilot, though I don’t know why he always insists on flying new students on it but the danger is still around all of you. Whatever brought down those Bulgarian dragons towing the plane, I do not know. But I do know that it was not an accident.”

"We all survived the emergency landing, didn't we?"
"Thank you, Ms. Roberts, for your concern, but to answer your question - yes, I'm pleased to report that everyone on that old plane survived. Even Jerry the pilot, though I don't know why he always insists on flying new students."
That last sentence there is very rambly. I would suggest just cutting out the last bit I didn't include, and starting a new sentence with it.

The elderly woman said calmly facing the person with the broomstick covered in The Static Cannons’ stickers.

"woman said, calmly facing..." Remember commas!

Interesting story, but it is a little confusing - mainly because you plop us down into the storyline and down do much explaining of the names and places you mention. Add more details when inventing a new world, so I can imagine this place.

Also, how old are these kids? You mention they're students, but that leaves a wide range of ages for me to imagine.

Thanks for the read. Keep writing! C:
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He felt a bit nervous not knowing what was about to happen next as they continued to...

Okay, the other guy caught this in a few other spots, but I'm going to tell you here so that you can learn where to put them. You need a comma after nervous. I'll give a few examples of other times someone could use it this way. Here:
1) He ate the pie, wiping his face with a napkin.
2) She ran around the track, panting heavily.
3) John looked over at her, a smile on his face.
Do you get it now? Anyway, you may want to reread this story to find the rest of these.“Where were you
earlier?” he asked noticing a bruise on Charlie’s forehead. “And what where did you get that,” he said sheepishly raising his hand slightly.

I'd get rid of the 'he said sheepishly...' part since it's unnecesary and disrupts the flow somewhat.

Overall this was pretty good. The descriptions were nice and the dialogue is better than a lot of other people's on this forum, which is good since I think having good dialogue is one of the more important aspects of writing.

To Clograbby:
It sounds like you started in the middle of a story because you actually did. Elitehusky just has it numbered differently, so it's hard to catch, but this is actually pretty far along in the story. Just thought I should say so.
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"People should not be afraid of their government. Governments should be afraid of their people."
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