Rise of Dreams

Tell me what you think please!

Rise of Dreams

Smoothly do they glide,
Smoothly do they set
The stars upon them twinkle
Infinitely set.

Dragging forth from wonder
Inspirations' own true mind,
The dreams of thousands
Lay upon the mind.

The Darkness around it billows,
A cloak of light around its neck,
Moon of darkness wanders,
To enclose upon the mind.

A child from below,
Screams in awe filled wonder-
As her nightmares from nights past;
Threaten to consume her.

The morning sun breaks through
Shining through the dark-
Returning to them happiness
And their lives inside the light.

Smoothly do they glide,

Smoothly do they set;

The stars upon them twinkle

Infinitely set.

What are "they?" If you're talking about dreams, the word "dreams" only takes up the same single syllable that "they" does, and is less confusing.

Dragging forth from wonder

Inspirations own true mind,

The dreams of thousands

Lay upon the mind.

Line 2 is too long and line 3 is too short, they don't quite jive with the rhythm you've set up. Also, should it be "inspiration's?" I can't tell if you're using the possessive or the plural, there.

The Darkness around it billows,

A cloak of light around its neck,

Moon of darkness wanders,

To enclose upon the mind.

What happened to your rhyme? What is "it?" Also, that first line is way out of rhythm.

A Child from below,

Screams in awe filled wonder-

As her nightmares from nights past;

Threaten to consume her.

I know you have more artistic license with poetry, but I still think "child" should be lowercase. Get rid of that semicolon. It's wrong. I'd also eliminate the dash. You don't really need punctuation on that thought.

The morning sun breaks through

Shining through the dark-

Returning to them happiness

And their lives inside the light.

The rhythm on this one is back to its old self, but the rhyme is still missing. I don't know what happened to it. You started off rhyming "set" with "set" and "mind" with "mind," but that just disappeared without warning. You're also having rhythm trouble through most of the middle of this poem, and your imagery is confusing and vague.

I'm sorry if I sound too harsh; this is just my opinion, and I'm not very good at poetry, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt.

Hi! I thought some lines in the poem were pretty, but at times it became incredibly confusing. Here's what I mean:

writeholic wrote:Rise of Dreams

Smoothly [s]do[/s] they glide,
Smoothly [s]do[/s] they set.
The stars upon them twinkle
Infinitely set.

'They' didn't bother me, but the addition of 'do' jarred a little. I think the last line could be changed, so that you don't have the repetition of 'set'. The same goes for 'mind' in the next stanza. There is no rhyme scheme throughout so you don't gain anything from the repetition of these words.

Dragging forth from wonder
Inspiration's own true mind,
The dreams of thousands
Lie upon the mind.

This is where I started to get confused. I've read it through again and I think I understand it now, but the punctuation made it difficult.

I think these are two separate sentences and it's the use of the comma that confused me. The second sentence is fine: 'The dreams of thousands lie upon the mind'. I think for the first two lines, you mean that something is dragging 'inspiration's own true mind' from wonder. But that just doesn't make any sense on its own. You could put it in the passive:

Inspiration's own true mind
is dragged forth from wonder.

However, you're usually advised against using the passive in poetry. The thing is, your alternative is:

____ drags forth from wonder
inspiration's own true mind.

Then you have to decide what it actually is that's dragging forth inspiration. Sorry for the rambling explanation - if you want clarification, just PM me.

The Darkness around it billows,
A cloak of light around its neck,
Moon of darkness wanders,
To enclose upon the mind.

What is Darkness billowing around? I don't understand the 'cloak of light' or 'moon of darkness' images. I think the last line would work better as 'enclose around the mind'.

A child from below - No need for comma.
Screams in awe-filled wonder
As her nightmares from nights past - No need for semicolon.
Threaten to consume her.

I don't think 'awe-filled wonder' is the right phrase to use in the second line. It would make some sense if the dreams were good, but these are nightmares that 'threaten to consume her'. Would she not be screaming in terror?

The morning sun breaks through,
Shining through the dark,
Returning to them happiness
And their lives inside the light.

I'm sorry I couldn't really be more helpful. I've changed some punctuation every now and then, but some stanzas don't make sense to me so I can't really comment on the imagery or anything.

Let me know if you edit this!

From the first stanza this starts to get confusion. Rather than writing a meaningful poem about dreams and what they mean, you are sticking to a rhyme that then falls out in the next few stanzas. All of the language and meaning in your poem seems suffocated by the structure you're trying to give it and I'm left wondering, what are you saying? What are you trying to make me feel, and think? Because I only feel lost about the subject matter.

Apart from that, the large problem is in how you are writing it. You're doing an awful lot of telling, which, yes, is fine, but it has no poetic elements to it. The only thing that makes this a poem is the fact that it is in verse. Why not write it as a story, then? Poetry takes a lot more than words in verse - you can use metaphors, a properly executed rhyme that doesn't overwhelm the writing, symbolism, alliteration, tons and tons of sound devices. There is a lot to poetry.

The best way to figure out what makes poetry good (and all the parts in it) is to read poetry. I'm not sure if you've read any poetry, but I highly suggest you do. It will give you an idea of what poetry is, and what makes it different then prose. If you don't want to go out and buy a book of poetry, we have several good writers here you can read: Incandescence, Fandilocks, Via, Cade, Leja, Penguin Attack, and Calligula's Launderette.

I think it would help you if you got your ideas together. What are you writing about? By the end of the poem, what do you want your reader to feel? To think? Poetry should have a certain effect on the reader, and if you know what you want to make the reader feel before you write the poem, it helps you find which direction to go in.

Hope this helped!