Lies

What if there were no lies?
What if every word spoken had to be the truth?
What if promises could never be broken?

What if the first love lasted forever?
Because when you said, “always together”
It bonded you in eternity?

What if love was always true?
Because nobody ever lied to you
What if your heart never broke?
No scars, never black and blue?

What if friends never had fights?
What if everything always went right?
What if there was no need for tears,
And smiles were always bright?

What if families always stayed close?
What if bonds never broke?
What if no secrets were kept?
And there wasn’t any smoke.

What if time never created space?
What if there was always a time and place?
For loved ones to gather and smile
And past bad memories? Not a trace.

What if happiness surrounded?
What if love kept you grounded?
What if your feet stayed right on the floor?
What if there was nothing more?

What if there was never pain?
What if there was no shame?
What if happiness was always there?
Tell me you wouldn’t go insane?

What if there were no lies?
What if every word spoken had to be the truth?
What if promises could never be broken?

Very interesting idea.... I wouldn't be so quick to crush your own ideas, if you don't believe in what your writing after you write it, why write it? Besides, ever heard of Utopia? That book has been the bases of criticism since it was written, and its still popular because of that. Sorry, just my ramblings.

I actually really like your images that you've cut across, however.... (sorry here is the catch) you need to be careful with your pattern, in some of your stanzas you have the last word of the first line rhyming with the last word of the second line. This throws people off, because the rest of your poem was excellent, minus those glitches. In addition, your first two stanzas have three lines while the rest have four. I know this is free verse, but you have to be either way inconsistent, or consistent with four or three lines in each stanza.

"And there wasn’t a bit of smoke." I would do ANY smoke, because you broke your tone when you said bit.

"And past bad memories? Not a trace." This two sentenced line sort of breaks up your rhythm that you've set up. I would try to combine them together, that way it will smooth out your poem when its read. Something like : And not a trace of bad memories near. or something.

All in all I love the roughness of your poem, your tone is very cutting-- in a good way. I also love how you leave the poem open, like it could almost go on forever. Very good read.

I am a bit disappointed to be perfectly honest. Not at your poetry or your ability, more so at your attitude. It is fine to doubt yourself sometimes but life is usually 99% attitude 1% output.

So for this poem you get 1%!

what this means:
1.) it was nearly perfect, apart from some tidbits ill try and point out

And there wasn’t a bit of smoke

<--- I do agree that any would work a bit better there instead of saying "a bit of"

And past bad memories? Not a trace

. <---- I actually found that worked quite well

What if the first love lasted forever?
Because when you said, “together always”
It bonded you in eternity?

<--- Its my opinion that "always together" would help ease the sound of grating metal there

favourite lines:

What if time never created space?
What if there was always a time and place?
For loved ones to gather and smile
And past bad memories? Not a trace.

9/10 very dramatic, use of questions helped the reader to stay riveted (at least I did)

------------------------------------
I think I can, I think I can, I know I can

I loved this!


It is such a great concept.
You asked all the right questions, and really kept me wondering!

My one blunder/problem type of an affair. You never came to any conclusion!

What if there were no lies?
You never answered the question you spent so long setting up, and I can tell you put a lot of effort pondering over this question!

I want to know the answer.


This was great though (:

this poem was interesting. it had a good concept, was powerfully dramatic...and just great.

the questions you asked kept me reading at a convincibly fast pace.
i too, however noticed, that you did not actually answer the question what if there were no lies?...

thats all i really have to say.
this was wonderful!

nice work!


-GC10