First Dance (edited)

This is the first 'chapter' in my series called "The Firsts". I guess they are more like vingettes (think House on Mango Street) instead of chapters. They will each tell an event which will build on each other till the final culminating event. So it's more of a running plot across all of the parts... Trust me, it will all make sense at the end. Thanks for reading! - Shel
-edited on 7/22
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I jump out of the barely-stopped car, already late. I try to hurry through the thick grass between the houses, but the unnatural heels and dress make this feat difficult. Finally making my way into the backyard, I step into the already formed line with our backs to the house. The soft ground gives in to our heels making us do an impromptu dance to not sink. The parents taking pictures on the porch of the empty house next door look confused, only adding to our laughter. The soft evening sun provides the perfect lighting for our backdrop of a few short trees.

Smiling for the cameras, I check out the different dresses, from my black halter to Lucy’s pink spaghetti strap. I realize I don’t know the blonde boy standing in front of Lucy. He must be Lucy’s friend that didn’t have a group.

Shifting my weight from foot to foot habitually, I find myself not knowing how to act in this unnatural outfit. Thankfully I packed my normal clothing of basketball shorts and a tee for after. Pictures go on for another ten minutes with multiple poses: boys only, girls only, couples only, silly picture. Finally we are done, but no one can stop smiling; it’s sophomore homecoming.

Talking with my friends, I glance around the groups, stealing looks at Lucy’s friend. He catches my eye once, and I blush and quickly look away. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice him and Lucy making their way over to me. I quickly drop out of my other conversation.

“Hey Marissa,” Lucy says coming over to me with the blonde boy.

“Hey Lucy,” I reply hugging the brunette. My pulse quickens as I feel the boy’s eyes on me. As I pull back from the hug, my gaze travels up six inches, and my dark brown eyes connect with his beautiful clear blue eyes. He smiles softly, like he’s got a secret to himself.

“Marissa, Aaron. Aaron, Marissa,” Lucy breaks the trance between Aaron and me.

“Hey,” I test my voice. It’s as steady as an old jungle gym.

“Hi,” he says his amazing smile growing. Another silence falls as our eyes lock again.

“Nice dress Ris,” Lucy blurts using my nickname to break our connection again. I look at her to reply, but can still feel Aaron looking from my small silver heels up to my shoulder length hair that I took extra time to get perfectly straight.

“You do like nice Marissa,” he says in a voice that has a slight deepness, but boyish qualities too.

“Thanks,” I reply. It’s my turn to check him out. “You’re not so bad yourself,” I say finding my voice. My arms, however, have a mind of their own as they reach up and pretend to straighten the lapels of his jacket.

“Thanks. My tie matches the inside of my jacket,” he says obviously unsure what to say. He reveals the inside lining to be a similar pattern to his tie. I smile at his nervousness.

“Did your mom help you pick that out?” I flirt.

“Yes she did,” he replies his smile changing to an impish one, “She even tied my tie for me.”

“Well aren’t you a special boy,” I say placing my hand on his arm quickly.

“My mommy says I am very special,” Aaron replies drawing himself up, acting high and mighty. I laugh, and he smiles sweetly.

Leaving for dinner, I see that Aaron is already going in another car with Lucy. I jump into my car and forget about it.

Arriving at the fancy, but simple Italian restaurant, Aaron makes sure he is sitting across from me at our long table outside. It is a beautiful clear night with a slight breeze. As we wait for our food, the conversation between the two of us flows like we have known each other for years, not an hour. We talk about everything from sports to our families.

I find myself memorizing not only his amazing physical features, but his life story of swimming and more. His sparkling eyes, radiant smile, glowing personality, and sense of humor makes the three hour dinner fly by. The night has fallen and so has the temperature. I wear his jacket to the car where he is whisked away by Lucy again.

Miraculously, all three cars arrive at the school at the same time. Joining the sea of people heading inside, Aaron slips up next to me. “Save me a dance?” he asks shyly.

I’m smiling a mega watt smile now, “Of course.” The mass of people separates us and just as quick as the moment came, it passed like two ships passing at night.

We follow the music into the “Under the Sea” themed field house. There’s a mass of dancing people in the center, looking like seaweed. It’s the one night a year to dance, so I let loose.

Soon enough, I find Aaron dancing behind me, smiling down at me. His arms slide around my small waist, and our hips move together to the pulsing beat of the song as he pulls me closer. I feel his strong swimmer’s muscles on my back. I smile up at him, enjoying how close we are. Our friends surround us, making us the center of the group. I get a few winks from my friends, but laugh them off with Aaron. I turn around in his arms, throwing my arm around his neck pulling him closer to me. His blue eyes are even more intense then before and I am entranced. The adventurous boy moves his hands lower and lower till they settle over my butt. I smile letting him know it’s okay. A popular song comes on and we are crushed up against each other. Our actions are now controlled by those around us, and soon enough it’s like a MTV music video on the dance floor. The crowd dissipates, and my basketball team pulls me away as he joins the swimmers. We dance with our teammates, stealing glances at each other.

The first slow song of the night comes on. Couples are dancing around groups of girls and groups of guys just standing there. Suddenly I hear his cute voice in my ear asking me to dance. I nod, unable to speak. We sway to the easy beat of the slow songs moving closer till my head is resting on his shoulder. It’s perfect. The moment feels as if it lasted forever, but the two songs pass like any other songs.

The music changes back to the quick beat of a popular radio song. Our hips quicken to match the music. I’m crushed between him and another guy, having a good time. Suddenly Lucy is at his side, and his arms go to her. I’m not jealous as my other friend grabs me, and we dance together.

The dance goes too fast; soon it’s the last slow set of the night. Standing with my friend, I glance around looking for Aaron. Then I spot him, dancing with Lucy. I brush it off and enjoy the rest of the night.

Heading to a friend’s house for a bonfire, I get multiple comments on Aaron and me tonight. I shrug them all off as having fun, but my mind wanders to the comments for the rest of the night. He stays for an hour, sitting next to me at the bonfire, talking. As we separate for the night, I realize something will come from this night: a friendship for now, but maybe more later.

i really like the way you ended this. Most stories that ive read like this one end in a really over-done cliched way so i was pleasantly surprised by this one

the only thing that i noticed was this sentence:

It's a funny sight, couples dancing around groups of girls and groups of guys standing around

it seems to read a little awkwardly and I wasnt really sure what you were describing, and i think the repetition of 'around' drags it along a bit.
maybe try breaking up the sentence a bit more to make it clearer?

there are some areas in which there is great description, but overall i would have like to have seen some more exposition. there were a few grammatical errors, but i think that the way you were able to weave in the quotes with the text was good and also something else that was good was that you didn't have to include too many quotes in your telling of the story.

Hello, Shel! Let's see what we've got here. *reads*

General Impressions:

This is a wonderful start! I love how you've begun the introduction of your MC. The meeting between Marissa and Aaron was amusing, and how you described that Marissa's attention constantly wandered to Aaron, I think, was a beautifully realistic touch. As Sofi said, so many stories like to do the cliche-romance thing and make it all work out perfectly like -*snaps*- that. Also, I find a lot in common with your MC (part of it being I'm a lot like her, really)--a great thing in writing, which I hope you'll carry on to whatever other stories you deem worthy to put on paper.

However, I don't see a purpose to this story. Is this all of it, or is there going to be another chapter or more added or something? All I see is a description of a typical night at a high school dance. Also, other than Marissa and Aaron, the characters are somewhat flat. You can add so much more description--especially of the characters--it's not even funny. But don't worry about that yet--you have plenty of time to brush up on your skills with another story or two before returning to this and editing it. I can feel a wonderful short story coming out of this little piece.

A third thing: There's no conflict. It's somewhat understandable Marissa isn't feeling any jealously that Aaron's dancing with her best friend--she just met him, after all--but you really need something. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at coming up with any suggestions for conflict outside of sword-fights-against-the-evilest-BG-on-the-planet and intercharacter relations as a backdrop for that. So you'll have to ask around for more modern suggestions as to what you could do with this. ^_^

Ok, on to the grammar!

Line-by-Line:

I jump out of the barely stopped car, already late. I try to hurry through the thick grass between the houses, but the unnatural heels and dress make this feat difficult. Finally making into the backyard, I step into line. I smile at my best friend and the rest of the group. I check out our dresses, laughing to myself at how different they are from my black knee length halter to Lucy’s pink spaghetti strap. Smiling for the cameras, I realize I don’t know the boy standing in front of Lucy. He’s cute; I figure he’s Lucy’s friend that didn’t have a group.

I think 'barely stopped' should have a hyphen, but I'm not sure. The only other things I really find wrong/strange are the last sentence's semicolon and how this paragraph flows. Either make that two sentences, or cut out 'He's cute'--it really doesn't belong here. You can save this for when Marissa is introduce, instead. Oh, another point of confusion: the whole group thing. I think that just needs a little switching-around to have the sentences make sense, especially your last sentence. ^_~

The second thing--the flow--just needs a little tweaking. You're rushing the action, mainly--I can understand it in the first few sentences (when Marissa is running for the party), but slow it down once she gets to the backyard. Also, here's the first place you can add in description. Imagine the scene in your head--how is the backyard set up? Is there a fence around it? Are there lights hanging in the trees? Are people sitting on benches with their dates and friends? Who appears to have come alone? Also, get descriptions in as-you-go of any supporting characters you wish to use later--ie, Lucy.

Shifting my weight from foot to foot habitually, I find myself having to act unnatural tonight in this outfit. I run my hands through my typical straight black hair, the only easy thing. Pictures go on for another ten minutes with multiple poses: boys only, girls only, couples only, silly picture. Finally we are done, but no one can stop smiling; it’s sophomore homecoming.

Ok...in the beginning of this paragraph, I'm getting the sense that our narrator (Marissa) is not used to wearing dresses. I'm waiting for her to go a little more into why she's uncomfortable with them, but left disappointed when she goes back to talking about the pictures.

Talking with my friends, I glance around the groups, stealing looks at the new boy. He catches [s]me[/s] my eyes once, and I blush and quickly look away. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice him and Lucy making their way over to me. I quickly drop out of my other conversation.

[s]Uh, what new boy? Oo He has not been mentioned before; you need a little something more describing this boy that 'the new boy' before you mention him--or even directly after, if you'd prefer. ^_~[/s] OH! Wait a minute--I get it now. The 'new boy' is the boy that was standing with Lucy! You need to make that more clear, please. ^^;

“Hey Lucy,” I reply, hugging the brunette. My pulse quickens a little as I feel [s]his[/s] the boy's eyes on me. As I pull back from the hug, my gaze travels up six inches [s]as[/s] and my dark brown eyes connect with beautiful, clear blue eyes. He smiles softly, like he’s got a secret to himself.

“Marissa, Aaron. Aaron, Marissa,” Lucy breaks the trance between Aaron and me.

I've seen a lot of these, so I'm not going to mention them again unless they happen to be inside another of my quotes Just read through again carefully to catch them.

“Hey,” I say, testing my voice. It’s as steady as an old jungle gym.

“Hi,” he says, his amazing smile growing. Another silence falls as our eyes lock again.

Try using a different dialogue tag for Aaron's answer--answers, replies, greets, etc. Anything you want, but try not to use the same tags consecutively if you can help it.

“Nice dress, Ris,” Lucy blurts breaking Aaron and my eyes.

Ha ha. Another intervention. ^_^ However, the way you've worded this makes it sound like Lucy is destroying the two other kids' eyeballs. O_O Try: "Nice dress, Ris!" Lucy blurts, again diverting our attention" or something to that effect.

Green is not a good color on her. But her statement helps me more than her. I look at her to reply[s], and[/s] but can still feel Aaron looking from my small silver heels up to my shoulder length hair, which [s]that[/s] I took an extra twenty minutes to straighten.

Huh? Your 'Green is not a good color on her. But her statement...' is quite out of place here. Oo Other than tweaking that, just fix the part I've marked above and this is fine.

“Thanks,” I reply. Now it's[/s] [s]taking[/s] my turn to look him up and down again. “You’re not so bad yourself,” I say[b], finding my voice.

The corrections are only a suggestion for a better way to word this sentence. If you liked what you had, the only correction needed would be a comma where I put a period in this correction. ?Comprende?

I discover my arms controlling themselves as they tug on the lapels of his jacket, pretending to straight them.

Hm. This is somewhat...I dunno. Awkward? Try: 'I forced my arms to control themselves as I tugged on the lapels of his jacket, pretending to straighten them.'

“Thanks. My tie matches the inside of my jacket,” he says obviously unsure what to say. Pulling back his jacket, he reveals a shirt of similar pattern to his tie.

“Did your mom help you pick that out?” I banter.

I believe banter is a noun, meaning horse-play or something along those lines. You want something like tease here.

“Yes, she did,” he replies, his smile changing to an impish one. “She even tied my tie for me.”

“Well aren’t you a special boy,” I say placing my hand on his arm softly, then drawing it back.

This is the simple way to fix this. Another way you could do it is making the dialogue tag two sentences: I say, placing my hand on his arm softly. I quickly draw it back_________. The blank is for whatever description of her feelings you want to insert in this moment: is she shy, or does she suddenly realize she's touching him?

“My mommy says I am very special,” Aaron replies drawing himself up, acting high and mighty. I laugh, and he smiles sweetly. We get ready to leave for dinner soon. I go the right car and see Aaron already getting in a car with Lucy and two others. I jump in and try to let it not bother me.

Arriving at the fancy, but simple Italian restaurant, Aaron makes sure he is sitting across from me at our long table outside. It is a beautiful clear night with a slight breeze. His smile, eyes, and voice make time fly by. As we finish dinner, night has fallen and so has the temperature. I wear his jacket to the car where he is dragged away by Lucy again.

Here is the perfect time for the characters to interact and for us as the readers to learn more about them! You can begin your to-be-decided conflict here, too, as soon as you figure out what you're going to do.

I’m smiling a mega-watt smile now. “Of course.”

Soon enough, I find Aaron dancing behind me, smiling down at me. His arms slide around my small waist, and our hips move together to the pulsing beat of the song as he pulls me closer. I feel his strong swimmer’s muscles on my back. Two songs later, my basketball team pulls me away as he joins the swimmers. We dance with our teammates, stealing glances at each other.

Hm. You're describing an absolutely perfect moment, then suddenly you jump to two songs later and cut the moment short. See if there's anything you can do with that--it may be perfectly fine to you, I just find it...jarring.

The first slow song of the night comes on. It’s a funny sight, couples dancing around groups of girls and groups of guys standing around. Suddenly I hear his cute voice in my ear asking me to dance. I nod, unable to speak. We sway to the easy beat of the slow songs, moving closer 'til my head is resting on his shoulder. It’s perfect.

Italic=Another weirdly-placed sentence. You should probably cut it or move it into a more-appropriate paragraph.

The dance goes too fast; soon it’s the last slow set of the night.

Heading to Jessie’s for a bonfire, I get multiple comments on Aaron and me tonight.

Whoa! Backtrack--who's Jessie? Oo

As we separate for the night, I realize something will come from this night--a friendship for now, but maybe more later.

Shell, you are magnificent!

This dance was so realistic and something I can really relate to. The characters are fun and exciting and easy to develope and I read every bit with a smile on my face! Like this> But not as stiff, lol.

I love the effort you put in the detail with out making it too long, which kapt it exciting and made everything fit together really well. I love Marissa, she seems like your nice girl sophmore which no one can hate at all, and Aaron seems like a hunk, what can I say, he talks like a guy real too (my mo has always said I'm special LOL).


I would love to see more off of this, you kept it short and sweet and you left me begging for more.

Awesomeful! Please more!-BuddyBuddy-CuRlY

Hey! Wow this was very nice; very unique.

"You do like nice Marissa,"
It should be You do look nice Marissa.

"...typical straight black hair, the only easy thing..."
Okay, here you say she has typical straight hair
but later on she says she had to straighten it an
extra twenty minutes. That's not typical.

Another thing I caught was that when you switch from
person to person, your detail gets weery, like here:
“Nice dress Ris,” Lucy blurts breaking Aaron and my eyes. Green is not a good color on her. But her statement helps me more than her. I look at her to reply, and can feel Aaron looking from my small silver heels up to my shoulder length hair that I took an extra twenty minutes to straighten.
You should at least explain who 'Ris' is. You talk as if we already know her.

When she's in the backyard, you should explain what it looks like. Is it a developement where there is a fence with about a 2 acer backyard? or is it a Big house with a fairly sized backyard, houses yards apart? It would just be nicer to have that included.

On another note, this piece was very enjoyable to read. I am really looking forward to your next installment.(:

Adorable! A simple boy-meets-girl-story. Now, I must admit when I first read this, I thought this was going to be a little cliché. But the ending wasn’t!

Very well done!

And I do have my favorite line for you out of your story.

“Hey,” I say testing my voice. It’s as steady as an old jungle gym.

Otherwise, this was very good.

I can’t wait to see more!

Hey Shel! Like I promised, here's my review.

All corrections/additions are in Red. All Comments are in bold blue. Anything extra will be down below.

[spoiler]I jump out of the barely stopped car, already late. I try to hurry through the thick grass between the houses, but the unnatural heels and dress make [s]this[/s] the feat difficult. Finally making it into the backyard, I step into line. I smile at my best friend and the rest of the group. I check out [s]our[/s] their dresses, laughing to myself at how different they are from my black knee length halter to Lucy’s pink spaghetti strap. Smiling for the cameras, I realize I don’t know the boy standing in front of Lucy. He’s cute; I figure he’s Lucy’s friend that didn’t have a group.

Shifting my weight from foot to foot habitually, I find myself having to act unnatural tonight in this outfit. I run my hands through my typical straight black hair, the only easy thing. Pictures go on for another ten minutes with multiple poses: boys only, girls only, couples only, silly picture. Finally we are done, but no one can stop smiling; it’s sophomore homecoming.

Talking with my friends, I glance around the groups, stealing looks at the new boy. He catches me once, and I blush and quickly look away. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice him and Lucy making their way over to me. I quickly drop out of my other conversation.

“Hey Marissa,” Lucy says coming over to me with the blond[s]e[/s] boy.

“Hey Lucy,” I reply hugging the brunette. My pulse quickens a little as I feel his eyes on me. As I pull back from the hug, my gaze travels up six inches as my dark brown eyes connect with beautiful clear blue eyes. He smiles softly, like he’s got a secret to himself.

“Marissa, Aaron. Aaron, Marissa.” Lucy breaks the trance between Aaron and me.

“Hey,” I say testing my voice. It’s as steady as an old jungle gym.

“Hi,” he says his amazing smile growing. Another silence falls as our eyes lock again.

“Nice dress Ris,” Lucy blurts breaking Aaron and my eyes. Green is not a good color on her. But her statement helps me more than her. I look at her to reply, and can feel Aaron looking from my small silver heels up to my shoulder length hair that I took an extra twenty minutes to straighten.

“You do like nice Marissa,” he says in a voice that has a slight deepness, but boyish qualities too.

“Thanks,” I reply, taking my turn to look him up and down again. “You’re not so bad yourself,” I say[color=red,[/color] finding my voice. I discover my arms controlling themselves as they tug on the lapels of his jacket pretending to straight them.

“Thanks. My tie matches the inside of my jacket,” he says obviously unsure what to say. Pulling back his jacket, he reveals a similar patter to his tie. I smile at his nervousness.

“Did your mom help you pick that out?” I banter.

“Yes she did,” he replies his smile changing to an impish one, “She even tied my tie for me.”

“Well aren’t you a special boy,” I say placing my hand on his arm softly then drawing it back

“My mommy says I am very special,” Aaron replies drawing himself up, acting high and mighty. I laugh, and he smiles sweetly. New Paragraph! We get ready to leave for dinner [s]soon[/s]. I go the right car and see Aaron already getting in a car with Lucy and two others. I jump in and try [s]to let it not bother me[/s] not to let it bother me.

Arriving at the fancy, but simple Italian restaurant, Aaron makes sure he is sitting across from me at our long table outside. It is a beautiful, clear night with a slight breeze. His smile, eyes, and voice make time fly by. As we finish dinner, night has fallen and so has the temperature. I wear his jacket to the car where he is dragged away by Lucy again.

Miraculously, all three cars arrive at the school at the same time. Joining the sea of people heading inside, Aaron slips up next to me. “Save me a dance?” he asks shyly.

I’m smiling a mega watt smile now, “Of course.”

We follow the music into the “Under the Sea” themed field house. There’s a mass of dancing people in the center, looking like seaweed. It’s the one night a year to dance, so I let loose.

Soon enough, I find Aaron dancing behind me, smiling down at me. His arms slide around my small waist, and our hips move together to the pulsing beat of the song as he pulls me closer. I feel his strong swimmer’s muscles on my back. Two songs later, my basketball team pulls me away as he joins the swimmers. We dance with our teammates, stealing glances at each other.

The first slow song of the night comes on. It’s a funny sight, couples dancing around groups of girls and groups of guys standing around. Suddenly I hear his cute voice in my ear asking me to dance. I nod, unable to speak. We sway to the easy beat of the slow songs moving closer till my head is on his shoulder. It’s perfect.

The music changes back to the quick beat of a popular radio song. Our hips quicken to match the music. I’m crushed between him and another guy, having a good time. Suddenly Lucy is at his side, and his arms go to her. I’m not jealous as my other friend grabs me, and we dance together.

The dance goes to fast; soon it’s the last slow set of the night. Standing with my friend, I glance around looking for Aaron. Then I spot him, dancing with Lucy. I don’t get green. I brush it off and enjoy the rest of the night.

Heading to Jessie’s for a bonfire, I get multiple comments on Aaron and me tonight. I shrug them all off as having fun, but my mind wanders to the comments for the rest of the night. He stays for an hour, sitting next to me at the bonfire, talking. As we separate for the night, I realize something will come from this night, a friendship for now, but maybe more later.[/spoiler]

I really enjoyed this, and usually I'm pretty picky when it comes to romance. But your story was believable and not over-exaggerated. I do have a few things to point out. They will be nothing but my honest opinion, but feel free to beat me up next time we see each other.

Description: Your description is really good at the beginning of this, but as the story continues, it sort of trickles off. Not to a bad point, but it could definitely use more. And it will help you pace yourself, which is what I'm getting to next.

Pace: When you write, especially fiction pieces, you want to try to pace your writing. You don't want to take too long explaining everything in the beginning and then speed through your more action-filled or dramatic scenes. Because really, the reader doesn't what to know every shade of every color in the rainbow. But they don't want just black and white, either. If that makes sense...

But description, placed correctly and the right length, can and will help you pace yourself. It seemed to me that your dancing scenes went by much too quickly, while the beginning scene with the pictures, took longer than it could have.


Other than that, great story, or beginning of one. And I'm not just saying that to make you feel all fuzzy inside because we're related. I mean it. So keep it up and let me know if/when you post another piece.

-Ari

This is a nice story with few typos. I also liked how you ended the story as well! Good job.

First off, I loved the girl telling the story. She reminds me of me in a good way. It was almost scarily realistic. Well done.

Second, I would describe Aaron more. I know what he looks like in my head, but I'd like to hear what he looks like to you.

And Last, awesome ending. I like how you didn't make them ride off into the sunset or something like that. It made the story more realistic that way.

I liked it a lot.

Hey everyone,
Thanks for all the reviews. They totally helped when I edited it again. I just posted the edited version. I made a good amount of changes based on what you guys said. Hope you like the new version!
Shelbell