an extraordinary teenage story

Hey people
ive changed the story into a play
plz read it in my website-
www.freewebs.com/spike71294
And now ive posted it in dis site too. Plz check it out
Link- http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post420615.html?highlight=#420615
hope its better.

and plz do see it.
PS this sites no scam. so plz dnt b afraid to click the link.

THIS IS A PART OF THE PLAY-
"The night was cold and foggy.It was a full moon night but the moon had hid under the cover of the clouds.

a pale figure was seen coming out of the corner of the street.

( Unknown enters the scene. wearing a green hooded jacket on which a large 'COOL' is printed in yellow.)

The freezing winds had caused his cheeks to turn red. the wind picks up speed and whirls around him like a small twister.

The mini cyclone passes by taking with it large amounts of leaves and dust."



"The speed of the winds started to increase. Thunder roared and rain poured down from the sky.

The wind began to encircle him. It only meant one thing, disaster. It was a tornado!!

The winds became stronger, and it was now hailing. Screams came from inside of the apartments. The thunders above were much stronger now.

Suddenly a lightning bolt seizes through him directly into the ground.

It felt like he just died. He became unconscious and fell on the ground."

wow!..it was very interesting!!...you have a really good hook...goos story, the only thing i don't like was that everyting happened really fast, and you didn't tell us much about your character or anything, it would have been good more description, but still I liked it, just keep practicing, good jod overall

I agree with dianis, you have a good hook and you keep the reader wondering, but maybe a little too much. Add some more description and focus on detail. Try to express what your character feels. Like when he suddenly finds himself in the maze, besides bewilderment, is he panicked? Scared? Disbelieving?

had been busy all this week attending all the parties and hanging out with friends besides socializing I was also busy preparing for my exams.

It would be better to break this up in two sentences. I don't know if this was your intention because it feels like you meant to say ...out with friends. Besides socializing...

You're also missing some commas at places. Try to think how you would say the sentence and then write it like that.

Just then I saw a coin lying on the ground. I picked it up, It was very shiny and of silver color. It had strange symbols carved on it.
It looked just like a normal coin, but yet it was extraordinary

Again you need more description and detail. Why did the coin catch his eye? Try to incorporate your description with actions. You could, for instance, mention that the strange symbols gleamed as you surveyed the coin in the light of an old streetlamp. Also, what makes your character think the coin is extraordinary?

Otherwise this was intriguing. Like dianis said, keep practicing

It was good, but I think the first part it's better. The hook this time isn't that good, also remember describing a little more your characters, I don't know anything about them, the story was a bit confussing and I think the reaction of the characters when they discovered it was not a dream was not the one it should be, I think they should me more surprised, or maybe they are really plain and calm characters...you should describe them a little more
“So, what do you think where are we?”
It should be
"Where do you think we are?"
I also would like to know more about the setting

Overall, I think it is a good story, just try a little more description and give us more details .but I still like it, keep posting cause I want to know what happens with them!
Keep practicing

I noticed some of the changes you made and they are better, but I still feel that you can add a lot more detail and description, especially where the characters are concerned. At first we don't know if the narrator in the first part is male or female. We have no idea what she looks like and very minimal insight into her feelings.

Because you use the first person narrator, you have the perfect opportunity to describe what the character thinks and feels. Try to involve her in the story by using her actions to decribe the scene. For instance, when you describe the old walls and creepers covering them try to show how she reacts to them, don't just mention them.

I agree with dianis, the first part is better than the second part. It doesn't flow and feels very staccato. If you join some of the sentences into paragraphs and join some of them together, you can create a more flowing pace. This part also needs much more description and characterization. Again describe how the characters react to their surroundings. Make them reach out and touch things. Describe the smell and feel of the place. Is the mysterious forest foreboding or do they feel at peace here?

Also, I was extremely confused about the characters in the second part. It took me a while to figure out that the point of view changed to that of the nameless character's. You should make this clear to the reader. The name of the first character also changes. Near the beginning of the second part Catherine is talking, but then later the nameless character adresses her as Ashley. Either that or I'm extremely confused. You chould make the it clear whose point of view it is and who is who.

I feel you could add some more action in this part. Make it harder for the characters to get away from the bees. Create a feeling of anxiousness and fear if they really are something to fear. Describe why and explain how the characters got away from them.

I hope this helps If you have any questions, feels free to pm me

Sorry it took me so long to review!...i was traveling
Well, this is so much better!...you made really good changes and i really liked it
but i still think you have to put more detail, and i would also like for you to describe the relationship between the two characters

also, the second part was a bit confusing, at first, i didn't know whose point to view was it, i think you should make it more clear.

I liked the second part a lot, remember to put more detail, to tell us more about your characters (I know I've said it before, but you have to remember that).

Good job overall, I really want to know what happens next..keep posting, hope it helps

PM me when you post again

I tought it was really good but it was a little jumpy.
there were a few mistakes like
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She taught how to laugh, have fun, how to live.


The place was dark and I could I hardly

and there are some places where you missed comma's
and srry but i lost interest in it
i didn't think i would but i did
the beginning kept me in but then it lost mid wya through the 2nd chapter

it was okay but could use some puntuation changes and editing


good job though
and where do u live
srry
personal quesation

--------------------------------------------------------------

Morgan Snape

What Goes around comes around!

I honestly don't know why everyone is going on and on about how good it is. No, the plot is good, the idea is good, but -- there's so little to it. No dialogue, no names except for Skion, Catherine, and Pablo. No characters development, and every sentence seems to end up beginning a new paragraph. This isn't a poem - if it is, it should be somewhere in the poem forums, not in Romantic Fiction.

First, you need to put in dialogue, description, and actual characters. I won't nitpick, because you have more pressing problems. Who is Skion? What does he look like? Who's the main character? What does she talk like, and what does she love so much about Skion? This is, quite literally, all telling. No doing, no explaining, no describing. Just saying what happened, like a police report. Make it a story!

And when it's fixed, PM me.

Good luck! Don't give up.

-SELA

Well, it seems no one has pointed this out:
Hey spike, YWS has a rule you should note:
Avoid chatspeak and capitalise your words appropriately.
We want to encourage good english

~Have a nice day!
Meep(: