Kinetic

Try to never fall asleep

No more potential

When Everything runs this deep

Kinetic is the only Essential

First of all, i commend you for attempting such a short poem. I do despise excessively long poems >< hehehe ( and NO! it's not because I'm lazy ><).
However, when you are writing such a short poem. One needs more than ever to have a strong message. I am very sorry to say, this poem does not seem to have any direction. The rhythm and the rhymes are nice and smooth - kudos on that. Anyway, I don't think that this poem is going anywhere, what is it saying?
I think it has the capacity to germinate into something very deep...I think i get a taste of introverted philosophy, but it is too vague and fleeting.

Wojovox wrote:Try to never fall asleep maybe "try never to sleep"

My thoughts on "try never to sleep" might fit more smoothly with the rest of the poem...This is just a thought though.

I am sorry, if i am being horrible I hate being this way. I merely want to help your poetry to be as good as good as possible. You clearly have a talent for poetry.

Fondest love
kris
x

Hmm... Seems like a good verse to put in a song, but maybe not so powerful on its own.

I do like the ending and first lines though, though the first could do some rearranging in terms of word order.

'Kinetic is the only Essential' yes, I like that, you are suggesting that movement is mandatory, to never stop, yes?

The other two lines seem a little 'Oh let's stick this in for padding' however, sort of like you forced some ryhming to make it so. I might like to add that the ryhming wouldn't actually ne necessary in this poem.

I like the message it's giving though, and it does have a nice, surreal sort of feel to it. It's short, snappy, quite dreamy and rhythmic despite the theme.

Thank you. Agree with everything you two are saying.

But Kris, your criticism is only of help and use, so quit saying sorry and say "you're welcome wojovox"
and I will say "why thank you Kris"