Teen Fiction

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Dad's Daughter

Janzi



So are you guessing how my day went? Well I just found out that my boyfriend is the spawn of the devil and he found out that my father is GOD. So I have had a pretty bad day. Let me take you back way back when Matt and I met.

“Dad! Mom!, I’m leaving for school.”

“You haven’t had breakfast yet.” said my mom.

“So what. It’s a bore. Get off of me J.C. You’re crushing me.”

“So-rry! I just couldn’t help it, my little sis is off to high school.” he said sarcastically.

If you haven’t figured it out by common sense. My brother is Jesus Christ. Yes the guy who died at the cross for the earth’s sins. I don’t know why people make a big deal about that. He’s a big pain in the neck. Trust me. But isn’t that what brother’s are for?

“J.C. you said that last year when I actually started high school. I am now a sophomore. And I have been in school for four months now.”

“Oh.”

I said the rest of my good byes and walked to Heavenly High. I got there just before the morning hallway traffic. I peered down the hallway to see my best friend Tor Danes. We talked about what we were going to do this weekend, as we walked down the hallway. It was really hectic. People were pushing and rushing to get to class.

When we walked into our homeroom we saw a vibrant, young, and lively teacher. We walked in and took our seats. On the projector screen she had wrote Ms. PG

“Hello class. My name is Ms. PG. I’ll be your Advanced Creative Writing teacher this year. Please sit down in your seats so I can take roll call and memorize names.”

After a few minutes she called my name.

“Janzi Spirt.”

“Here!!!!!!!!!”

As soon as I finished everyone gasped. Then someone in the back of room yelled.

“Aren’t you GOD’s daughter?

You would think that the people I have gone to school for a year would know this about me, but since no talks to me except Tor no one knows. It is because I’m not popular, and I don’t want to be.

Before I could answer the bell rung, signaling that homeroom was over. Tor rushed me out of the class before anyone could talk to me.

"We have to get you home before anymore questions.”

“No. My dad told me how to handle this. He just denied having anything to do with my grandfather.”

“Ok, but if you want to go home, just tell me and I’ll call my mom.”

“Thanks. Let’s go to the rest of our classes.”

We got through the rest of the day without calling Tor’s mom. We walked out of the building, at the end of the day, and into the street. We got to the other side and started talking.

"So what are you doing tonight?” Tor asked.

“Nothing special. I have to wait until my dad comes home from his once a year visit with the Devil.”

“Maybe he’ll let you go since you’re now 15.”

“Maybe, maybe not, but most likely not. He don’t want me to be associating with 'them'.”

“Well there is nothing you can really do at this point.”

“Oh yes there is, ask Mom.”

“Riiiight.” she said very sly-like.

We turned onto our street and I turned to face her.

“I’ll call you when he comes home. You know he always tells us how it went.”

“Ok, see you later.”

“See you later.”

I walked up the hill, up the long, winding path to my house. I got to the door, opened it and walked in.

"Mom, I'm home!"

"I'm in here in the kitchen, cooking dinner. Help yourself to somr chocolate chip cookies."

I took four cookies and went up to my room to start my homework. After three hours my dad comes out of his study. As I was doing my homework, dinner was ready.

"Janzi come down for dinner."

"Ok! Coming!"

As I walked down the stairs, past the throne room I could hear my dad, in his study talking on the phone to someone.

"No she is not coming! He wil be there and I don't want her associating with him"

I tried to absorb what I jsut heard. I shuffled past and walked into the dinning room. I had decided to ask my dad if I could go to his meeting in front of my mom. She always knows how to twist him.

"Mmmmm! Mom these potatoes are fantastic."

"Suck up." JC mumbled under his breath.




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Hey, mizpink! Welcome to YWS.

I know a few other people will probably bark at you too, but a quick rule--we ask that you keep a 2:1 ratio in the literary forums. What does that mean? Basically, for every piece you post, you must do two or more reviews. The more reviews, the better. It keeps everyone happy and helps improve your own writing, too. ^_^

This was a very cute story! It's completely not what I expected, too, which is really neat. You're a brave girl, but I think you've pulled it off well. It's a lot funnier than the other religious stories that you see, which was really cool to read. Your main character cracks me up.

A few tips:

YOU'RE JOKING?

At the beginning, since I don't really have a title or a blurb to go off of, I thought you were being sarcastic. This made it all the worse when I found out that...oh, yes, her father really is God. Too much confusion! Solution? Start at the beginning of the story, and gradually introduce her world to us instead of dumping us into it headfirst.

Now, if you write stories with human characters, you'll probably hear the exact opposite--dump us right in! This story is an exception to that rule, because you're not only using fantastic characters, but characters that we already have preconceived notions about. In order to shake those ideas, you have to re-teach us how to view the more familiar guys.

STYLE 101

A few tips for the more abstract aspect of your piece--the style. Style's hard to define, but I like to use it when talking about the way that you compose your sentences, atmosphere, and mood. Kind of strange, but it's make-or-break.

- Be professional. Make sure you use your punctuation correctly--only one exclamation point at a time.

- Show, don't tell. Don't tell us she had a vibrant teacher. How does this teacher act that would prove to us that she's vibrant?

- Separate. We should be able to tell who's talking at all times in a sequence of dialogue--if you don't use a tag [he said, she said], then you should make the characters' styles of speaking unique enough that we can tell them apart without it.

__

Thanks for the read, mizpink! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. ^_^
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin




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It is cute. I have to agree, but your punctuation is a need help in. YOu might want to reread some of it too. Peices are ether sketchy or the spelling is worng. It's probable all just misshapps when you typed it but make sure you use spell check and read it over before you post it.
Good job though. And yes explain a little bit more too, please. I have no idea where the main character started out with and wouldn't her mom be Marry? Keep writing. Helping hands push you farther than just yourself! :wink:

see ya,
-Amber
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet




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I really love the idea of this, It makes me want to rethink the universe.

But I have to agree with both the previous comments. You just threw me out into the story and left met grasping at the threads trying to figure out what was what. Okay that may sound a little exagerrated, but it is . . . I over-exaggerate alot. When people say show them, that means paint a picture for us. In this you only tell us what she thinks, no wait, you only tells us her narration, not what she she is feeling. I never once saw an expressive word of emotion from that. If you write in 1st person, people expect o be able to feel what the actual character is feeling. Or at least that's the way I want to read a 1st person story.

Now, your punctuation needs some work, along withyour grammar. Another thing that I noticed was that you randomly change you tenses. For example;

I took four cookies and went up to my room to start my homework. After three hours my dad comes out of his study. As I was doing my homework, dinner was ready.


Now, notice how you change from, "I took four cookies and went up to start my homework. After threes hours me dad comes out of his study. As I was doing my homeowrk, dinner was ready.

See, how it changes from past (took) to present (comes).

Also you completely lost me in that last sentence, though I do catch your gist. Maybe you should give a thought to changing it to, "While I was doing my homework, dinner was prepared."

Or something of the such. I would like to read more of this story though. It is really interesting.

I hope this advice helps you ^^
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yea......everybody kinda beat me to everything.
but,this was excellent story line.this might be blasphemy or somthin(isn't it bad to like change the bible around? I don't remember Jesus having a sister) anyways, If they went to heavenly high, wouldn't they all know God is everyones father?(God the FATHER,holy spirit and son)and we are all brothers and sisters in christ, so that kinda doesn't work.
(I just contradicted myself didn't I? I said I don't think jesus had a sister,then I said we are all brothers and sisters in christ.the first I meant blood related)

-a servant of the lord
yeah the sun may brighten your day, but if i had my way, I'd take the rain

He gave her 12 roses. 11 real and one fake. Then he said "I'll love you till the last rose dies"



What holds you betwixt panic and serenity? That is, if it's not among the many querulous quagmires unfit for elaboration.
— soundofmind as Emiliano Achillinus