All the Shades of Grey - Prologue

EDIT I'm going to continue this on the advanced crit. forum. Being a newbie, I didn't realise there was one. So if you want to read more, please head over there.

Also, is there any way I can move this into the advanced crit. forum so it's all together?


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Prologue
I don’t want to write something cheerful, where everyone loves everyone else and they're all perfectly happy. Why? ‘Cause the world’s not like that, so why write that it is? No. I’m going to tell the truth. The real story; the dark, grim, gruesome, ugly, blood-steeped truth. If you don’t like it, well, that’s tough. I don’t like it either, but that’s the way it goes.

If Bree were reading this, she’d say I’m being miserable and cynical, but I’ve learnt, since that night, that my pessimism is realism: it doesn’t do to trust anyone, but maybe this would’ve happened anyway. It was bound to: Fairview Town is not the most accepting of places to say the least.

Fairview’s where I live. It’s a peaceful place. Wide leafy boulevards lined with trees fan out from the main street, where the little white-painted, clapboard shops stand looking rural and quaint by the wide expanse of lawn. When I was younger, I used to watch the ducks on the pond, swimming and ducking beneath the water, searching for bugs below its surface, waggling their ridiculous tails in the air. I used to go to the small general store and buy out-of-date bread to feed them with. But that was long ago.
My house is on one of the boulevards on the outskirts of town, a few streets away from the high school. It’s a large, detached house, all white clapboard like the shops by the green. Inside it’s comfy looking, with mainly modern décor, but lots of “homey” touches, as my mother would put it. The perfect family home - except for the people in it.

Mother is the female pillar of society. Her hair, manicure, make-up, they’re always perfect, always immaculate. She’s perfect. In every way. She attends church regularly, keeps fit, has a good job, is always polite and charming, never shouts, and turns out well-mannered, popular, delightful children. That is, she did, until I came along. In my mother’s eyes, three of her children were perfect: Phil, Mary and C.J.; but not me, never me. Jokingly, they called me the black sheep of the family, but whenever anything went wrong, I always seemed to be the perfect person to blame.

C.J. is the only one of my three siblings I’ve ever felt close to. He’s seventeen, and in his junior year at David F. Peterson High. C.J.’s popular and attractive like the others, and he loves any sport. You name it, he plays it. In that respect, we’re complete opposites. But we click, which is something my mother can never, will never, understand.

C.J. was my best and only friend, not just a big brother. Everything and everyone I had. Until Brianna came.


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Although I live in England, this is set in America, so if you notice any flaws in what I've said with regard to American schools and suchlike (I did try to find out about it before I started but simple things like what ages are in which grades and etc are damn hard to find on the net) please tell me =D

edited 04/07/08. I decided, in the end, to break up that long, descriptive sentence about Fairview. I felt it flowed better in two parts. Any further crit welcome.

I don’t want to write something cheerful, where everyone loves everyone else and everyone is happy

Instead of saying "everyone" twice, try phrasing it differently or substituting it with another word.

blood steeped truth

blood-steeped

If you don’t like it, well, that’s tough. I don’t like it either.[s]but that’s the way it goes[/s]

but, maybe this would’ve happened anyway.

Ditch that comma.

Wide leafy boulevards lined with trees fan out from the main street, where the little white-painted, clapboard shops stand looking rural and quaint by the wide expanse of lawn with a pond and brown, quacking ducks

This description is quite the mouthful - or eyeful. Try breaking it down, like this, just for example: "Wide leafy boulevards lined with trees fan out from the main street, where the little white-painted, clapboard shops stand. They look rural and quaint by the wide expanse of lawn and pond, brown, quacking ducks drifting upon it." Or reword it as you want.

When I was younger, I used to watch those ducks swimming on the water and ducking beneath it searching for bugs below the water’s surface, waggling their ridiculous tails in the air.

You need a comma in here. "...ducking beneath it, searching for bugs..."

but lots of “homely” touches, as my mother would put it. The perfect family home; except for the people in it.

"Homely" actually means "ugly", if you look in the dictionary. Maybe you mean "homey"? Also, that semi-colon is improper. This calls for a dash. "The perfect family home - except for the people in it".

OVERALL: Good start. I just nit-picked here with the grammar and style, but the story is nice. Maybe it would be nice if you described further exactly how the MC is a blacksheep, but I suspect that'll become clear in further chapters. Either way, like I said, good start!

This is good so far. You are doing a great job of describing the setting and such. I would suggest reading it aloud to yourself to catch any awkward or run-on sentences - I caught a few.

I am guessing that this is something that you are going to continue to work on and post, so I would try to give your readers more to get hooked on. Show us the characters. Give us something intriguing so we really look forward to your next post.

Keep this going!

Hey there and welcome to YWS!

Yeah, I have to second what coryab said above me. So far, while we have an interesting setting, we really have no hook. So far, it appears to be the classic cynical girl who lives in a perfect household but rebels and then meets her soulmate, happily ever after, the end. (maybe it's not a girl, but that was the impression I got, since I don't recall it being specifically mentioned)

I'd draw the reader in a bit more with more showing rather than telling. Don't just tell us your MC is bitter and cynical, and the black sheep of the family. Show us. We already have a notion of the bitter and cynicalness from the writing, but we really have no reason to think that they out of place in their family. Show us the family and how they act. Why do the MC and C.J. click? How do they interact? You tell us these things, but the reader will be more inclined to believe them if they actually see them in action for themselves.

Anyway, I am interested, but not necessarily hooked. This could be an amazing story, but it could also be a mediocre "woe is me" tale that so many have written. But I have faith in you. There is a lot of potential. Dazzle me!

~GryphonFledgling

I will admit, I am annoyed. Do we not have enough stories that focus on dark, ugly, blackness full of filth? Can we not imagine something better than what we have? Are we really that narrow?

The way it started was terribly cliche and not really grabbing at all. Stories that focus--or even feign to focus--on dark and meaningless acts are missing a huge piece of the picture. Darkness must exist to contrast and battle with light. But neither should exist on its own. 'Happy-sweet-princess-barbie-disney' stories are stupid the same way 'emo-darkness-truelove-misunderstood' stories are stupid.

The only reason I'm being extra hard on you is because I noticed how good your writing was and I didn't want it to be wasted on such a flawed and crooked idea. Use your imagination. I have true faith in your mind. Technically, we should all have different ideas. My writing is proof of that.

So, good writing. Go write a good story.

well... hmmm....
i really liked this actually!
it was awesome and i... unlike some people... liked the first part
i hope you continue to write this! i think it was very well written and planned out!

i think i might just be being picky with this but in the line:


'When I was younger, I used to watch those ducks swimming on the water and ducking beneath it searching for bugs below the water’s surface...'

i think it would sound slightly better as:

When i was younger I used to watch those ducks swimming on the water, ducking beneath the surface and searching for bugs...

or something similar. to me it just gets rid of the second 'water' which i thought dragged the sentence along a little.

i also agree with GryphonFledling. The story seems a little predictable to me so i think it will really need something different to make it stand out later on. i mean obviously i dont know what youre going to write but i thought i would say anyways

overall thought i thought it was a really good piece and i look forward to reading the rest, if you're going to post it.

To ChernobyllyInclined:
Yes but, don't humans generally seem to be much more interested in the darker stuff than the positives?

For example, the media: very rarely is there anything positive. And I don't just mean glossy magazine/tabloid "omg she's fat, omg he's a drug addict" type stuff, but broadsheet news is almost always negative in some way. Positive stories aren't news, because people normally aren't interested.

And this story will (does - I've already written about five chapters) have a lighter side... like you say, "neither can exist on its own." It also has a much lighter more positive other main character. Just bear with me =P

Although I can see why some people won't like the narrator because, well, she is a bit "emo" for want of a better word.

To everyone else: thanks so much for the helpful crit, comments, etc. I've edited it a bit. The first chapter should be a lot more showing and less telling. =]

You reviewed my Prologue and its only fair that I review yours.

Fairview town is not the most accepting of places to say the least.

Only suggestion is to either get rid of town or capitalize the "T"

Wide leafy boulevards lined with trees fan out from the main street, where the little white-painted, clapboard shops stand looking rural and quaint by the wide expanse of lawn with a pond and brown, quacking ducks.

I really liked this little bit. It encompasses the whole idea of Fairview in a single sentence. And I'm very fond of your use of the word "clapboard." I'm not sure what it means, but it sound so, so quaint.

Inside it’s comfy looking, with mainly modern décor, but lots of “homely” touches, as my mother would put it.

I think you need a different word than "homely."



Other than that, the piece is great. Your speaker maintains a constant tone of cynicism through out that I think does really work. So yeah, great piece.

But the media is CATERING to the darker side of human nature. Just because people like something doesn't mean you should give it them. People like pot, but no one would argue that it was the better side of their nature that just wanted to be stupid. At least I hope no one would.

Instead of just giving people exactly what they want, make them reach for something better. Give them a new thought, a new idea, a new hope. Going with the flow and just sinking to their level is never something good or worth doing.

Like I said before, I am not bashing you personally, or even your writing, I just don't want people to fall into that trap. I'm sure you can do better.

I think you did really well with the ages for high school and such. Everything seemed realistic. And I found nothing out of place. No errors that I saw.

However, for a prologue, you didn’t get very deep into the plot at all. I was slightly confused how this was going to be a romance. All you did was talk about her perfect family and how she was the “black sheep”. You mentioned Brianna twice, but that was it. I definitely suggest you go deeper in depth about your story and somehow grip the person and yank them into the story.

Other than that, everything looked good.

Keep Writing!