Plaintively Gray

This is the slightly edited version. I didn't change much.

Plaintively Gray

Somewhere in the world, ancient oaks cast
silhouettes against a scorching copper sky.
But here I am, mourning you.
The boy I want is as lost as a wish in the well.
E minor strikes accord with the ravaged sky,
With the hook ripping my heart, intensifying the
Trepidation. I miss you and
I never had you to begin with.
You were holding hands, but not with me.
Not with me.

I always thought love came in glimpses
And half smiles, just like the movies. But
I learned that those tricks don’t bring
Affection. They are as barren and
Broken as the desert rocks cracking
In the heat.

Clouds roll by, sail by like slow moving ships. But
They still move faster than us, because there is no “us”.
Not with me anyway.

I want to hear your thoughts, knowing that
They will never feature me in the lead role. They are
Plaintively gray, like the color of a bleak winter day.
I have no hold on you, just like the sands on the waves—
You spill over, imprinting on me, leaving ripples
And feelings, but I can never hold on.
Holding hands, but not with me.
Not with me.

Somewhere in the world, harsh light glances
Off icicles hanging over a gorge.
And I hurt.
I hate myself for being so desperate, for
The wistful way I want you—you, boy, aren’t
Worth my misery. But I still can’t get
A hold of myself when I see you.
Holding hands, but not with me.
Not with me.

This is really excellent. You have great word choice, and a great story.

I cant wait to see more.

Only CC I would give, would be this:

Clouds roll by like slow moving cars. But they
Still move faster than us, because there is no “us”.
Not with me anyway.

It seems like, compared to the other verse, this lacks a bit of detail.

On a different note, this gave me butterflies in my stomach. It really, really did. It reminded me of the situation I am being faced with right this moment, and you just put it in to magnificent words.

Sorry its taken a while for me to get to this but here's your crit =) I'll start with a line by line and then see if I can give you a few general comments at the end:

Plaintively Gray [I love this title. It's very powerful and already the reader has this image of loneliness and a melancholic, dull sort of feeling. It's good.]

Somewhere in the world, ancient oaks cast
silhouettes against an angry sky. [This is a beautiful start. The tone fits nicely with your title. However, I'm not sure about your use of 'angry' which feels a little weak to me. Perhaps 'against a ravaged sky' or 'against a blistering sky'. Just think about what image you want to convey and refine it.]
But here I am, mourning you. [I think it would be more effective to place your line break here.] The boy
I want is as lost as a wish in the well. [This is a lovely phrase and the alliteration works nicely. It adds that sort of wistful feel as if your persona were thinking of impossibilities.]
E minor strikes itself into the air, tearing at [I think this line could be stronger. Maybe something like 'E minor strikes accord with the sky' because then you have the pun of accord and 'a chord'][color]
The hook in my heart, [color=red][Tearing at the hook gives the image of breaking the hook down so maybe tugging or pulling or if you want something stronger, dragging or hauling.] intensifying the
Trepidation. I miss you and
I never had you to begin with. You were
Holding hands, but not with me
Not with me. [I'd suggest a slightly different format for this ending. You don't have to use it but I think it would feel more dramatic as:

Trepidation. I miss you
And I never had you
to begin with.
You were holding hands,
but not with me.
Not with me.

Just because it emphasises your repetition of 'you' and 'me' more.]

I always thought love came in glimpses
And half smiles, just like the movies. But [I love how you've placed But on this line. That works well.]
I learned that those tricks don’t bring
Affection. They are as barren and
Broken as the desert rocks cracking
In the heat. [The imagery of this stanza is really good and normally I'd suggest that you don't need to capitalise at the start of every line but it works well in this poem in conjunction with your line breaks.]

Clouds roll by like slow moving cars. [I'm sure you could think of a better image for this. I find it quite hard to imagine a slow moving car and the idea of them being that solid and bulky is good but maybe tanks or ships would be better? And yes ships is a little over-used but it would have that lovely connotation of the narrator and this boy being ships passing in the night as they say.] But they
Still move faster than us, because there is no “us”.
Not with me anyway. [Good ending. You've got a really strong poem so far.]

I want to hear your thoughts, knowing that
There is nothing to find about me. [This could be more dramatic. Maybe simply 'I want to hear your thoughts, knowing that/ I do not feature there.'] They are
Plaintively gray, like the color of a bleak winter day. [The internal rhyme of this line works well and it has a lovely pensive feel to it.]
I have no hold on you, just like the sands on the waves—
You spill over, imprinting on me, leaving ripples
And feelings, but I can never hold on. [Beautiful image. And very well thought out.]
Holding hands, but not with me.
Not with me. [Good repetition.]

Somewhere in the world, harsh light glances
Off icicles hanging over a gorge. [I love how you've turned full circle, back to looking at the world. And I'd end the line here so that the symmetry is more exact.] And
I hurt. [How about having 'And I hurt.' as a line all by itself?] I hate myself for being so desperate, for
the wistful way I want you—you, boy, aren’t
worth my misery. But I still can’t get
a hold of myself when I see you.
Holding hands, but not with me.
Not with me. [This stanza is gorgeous, I love how it involves little pieces of the other stanzas and ends with the repetition. Good work.]


Overall, this is really good! I'm sorry but there's no possibility of me tearing it to pieces =) You have some strong imagery (though it could be stronger in the few places I've pointed out) and the narration works well. The tone is good, you've got a very well defined persona and the fragmented, repetitive style is wonderful and very dramatic. I hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

Well, anyone who can stick trepidation into a poem and not have it stick out like a sore thumb is going to be a top class writer one day. I hope to see you make good use of your obvious abundant talent, i see no real problems that i can pick out.

10/10- good use of imagery, made me actually care what was going on. Pulled my heart strings it did. =)

Wow, thanks everyone. A special thanks to kitty15 for the in-depth analysis. I will do some editing on this and hopefully get out some more poems.