Will You Be There For Me Darling

I stand here with you,
our hands touch in sweet favor.

Our eyes meet ice with mud,
this is something I just wanna savor.

Never before have I felt this way,
this feeling is new to me.

I stand there in wonder as you get down to one knee,
is this the place I really wanna be?

You ask me to marry you,
I say yes in a way full of strange emotions.

My heart spins around yours,
knowing of our forever devotion.

I dream of having a family,
a house with a white picket fence.

I knew our life wouldn't be like others,
but our love was too immense.

Cancer was taking over my life,
what was left of it anyway.

Life was getting worse for me now,
knowing I could die anyday.

That day came and you rushed me to the hospital,
you sat in the waiting room sulking.

I made the doctors let you see me,
You remember the last words I spoke "Will you be there for me darling?".



(*I wrote this qiuckly, I thought it would be a happy poem, but when the rhyming started to play out I came up with this*)

Hey Moon, I thought it was really good. It's really optimistic and cheery. Even when as it gets sadder at the end, the optimism is still there, as if she'll be all right ...

My critique is that this poem might be too blatant:

You ask me to marry you,
I say yes in a way full of strange emmotions.

Cancer was taking over my life,
what was left of it anyway.

Here are some grammar/spelling errors:

Our eyes meet ice with mud,

This doesn't make sense. Is there supposed to be a comma between "meet" and "ice"?

I say yes in a way full of strange emotions.

Typo

but our love was too immense.

Common to/too/two mistake.

Is "You remember the last words I spoke" a question or a statement?
If it's a question, then the last line should read:

You remember the last words I spoke? "Will you be there for me darling?"

If a statement:

You remember the last words I spoke: "Will you be there for me darling?"

or

You remember the last words I spoke, "Will you be there for me darling?"

But I think "Will you be there for me darling?" should be its own line.

hey i really like this poem it may have started out happy, but i like the way it ended up just a few suggestions for you:

first, i agree with jMin on the grammer stuff, and also the part with

You remember the last words I spoke, "Will you be there for me darling?"

those suggestions.
i have a few of my own too

Never before have I felt this way,
this feeling is new to me.

this is kinda saying the same thing over again. obviously if you have never felt that way before the feeling is new to you.
that is pretty much it because jMin covered everything else

happy writing

I really liked it.
It was touching. Really.

I don't think I can tell you on what to improve on though. (If there is.)
I'm really bad with poetry.
Sorry!

I like it the way it is. PM me when you write something else, alright? ^^

-Max.

I really liked this. It was happy...then sad...

Very emotional.

The only thing I have to point out is that in the last pair of rhymes, sulking and darling
...aren't very good rhymes. I don't know what you could change it to though.
So I guess that's not very helpful.

Anyway, I liked this.
Nice work!

-GC10

Hello Moon14,

Very sad poem.

-this is something I just wanna savor.-

Don't put wanna, it sounds so unprofessional. Use want to instead.

-Never before have I felt this way,

this feeling is new to me.-

This just sounds awkward to me. You say basically the same thing in both lines. Use different words and emotions.

-Cancer was taking over my life,

what was left of it anyway.-

This part was confusing to me. Did she have cancer when he asked her to marry him, or did it happen after they'd already been married? It just seemed a little rushed to me.

-knowing I could die anyday.-

Any day is two words.

-"Will you be there for me darling?".-

Cut the period. Only use one punctuation mark.

This has brilliant potential. I just suggest one thing: Expand!

-Sadie