evening star

An evening star glistening bright.
The sunset fades to blackest night.
Flowers close their delicate petals,
Capturing all the beauty inside.
What has been is no more,
Whats to come no one is sure,
Kiss me goodnight, sing me a song
Wish me sweet dreams the whole night long.

this was a pretty good poem...

umm...your third and fourth lines are the only ones that don't rhyme...
maybe you tried that, i don't know its your little poem thing, but it sort of breaks the rythm.
usually you don't want to have only some of it rhyme...it either does or it doesn't.
and that is the case with this poem.
i suggest strongly that you change that, and i'm sure others will point it out as well...

overall, a pretty good piece (sorry if i was too positive for you, M.J.)




-GC10

yea.... I read this before and I wasn't sure if that was intentional or not ( 3rd and 4th lines), but that definitly threw me off. I had to reread the poem 5 times just because of those lines. so if you change 'em to rhyme that would be awesome


-M is for marvelous
A is for amazing
R is for uhhh.....reindeer?
K is for kung fu

hah thanks mark =]

Short and sweet... I like that.

Like gamechnger said:

umm...your third and fourth lines are the only ones that don't rhyme...
maybe you tried that, i don't know its your little poem thing, but it sort of breaks the rythm.
usually you don't want to have only some of it rhyme...it either does or it doesn't.
and that is the case with this poem.
i suggest strongly that you change that, and i'm sure others will point it out as well...

Stole the words right from under my fingertips.

Kiss my goodnight, sing me a song

Do you mean: 'Kiss me goodnight...'?

And there are also some grammatical errors, but I won't get into that. It can be solved once you re-read it.

It leaves me thinking... in a good way. So I hope I see more from you in the future.

Adios!

An evening star glistening bright---------why would a star be showing at sunset, this throws off the poem time

The sunset fades to blackest night

Flowers close their delicate petals----- not all flowers close their petals, specify like a midnight glory flower

Capturing all the beauty inside

What has been is no more

Whats to come no one is sure---- good way to describe the uncertainty of tommorrow

Kiss my goodnight, sing me a song--- kiss ME goodnight?

Wish me sweet dreams the whole night long.

overall i liked it and i think just make those changes and it will be a great short little poem.

short, sweet, simple.

A perfect poem for a middle school literature book. Maybe with a small illustration above the caption. A picture of a young girl asleep in a hammock overlooking the ocean and a mother kneeling beside kissing her daughter goodnight.

very well.

yeah, much like the picture i imagined. thanks.


and thankyou everyone for posting, even if it was negitive i'm grateful for all the good suggestions. thanks!

-M.J.-

wow, that was awesome. Very poetic. my favorite line is:

"Flowers close their delicate petals

Capturing all the beauty inside"

I know it doesn't ryhme, but to be honest I didn't notice it until i read Jocelyns review. I guess there's something wrong with me.

Good job Mary

from Gabe Rowe

PS: still missing circle K? i am!

I'd have to agree with the other reviews, the fourth line made me stop because it seemed out of place.


This was well done though. I liked it a lot.



That 4th line could be better because I just stopped during that line, and you don't really want that in such a short poem, especially one as good as this one.



It was very simple, but those are usually the best ones!