Harry Potter

Chapter 3 Draco’s strange behaviour


It’s the day of Maira Macha’s first lesson. All the students of Hogwarts are nervous. Especially Gryffindor and Slytherin. They are the first classes who will follow her lessons. They all want to know what she will learn them about the history of magic. Some of them hope that they will learn ancient spells or that the will get recipes of ancient potions. Some of them want to know about the life of their ancestors. Whatever reasons they have. They all can’t wait until the first lesson started.
Especially Draco Malfoy can’t wait. He fancies her. Since the day he met her he can’t keep his eyes of her. It even changed his behaviour! He is kind to everyone! Because he is in a very happy mood! He is even kind to Harry and his friends! And that’s very odd! They are concerned about him.

“Morning guys! Nice weather is it today. Isn’t it?” Draco says when he seas Harry and his friends.
“Malfoy? Is everything all right with you? You are acting very strange! “Harry says.
“Yes, is everything all right with you? Are you ill? “Hermione asks.
“Ill? What do you mean ill? I’m fine. Really great! “ Draco says.
“But normally you are bullying us and you are kind! How can that be! “Ron says.
“But today I’m in a very good mood and I want to share that with anyone. Is that wrong? “Draco asks.

Ron starts to check Draco’s pulse and temperature.
“Everything seems fine. But still I’m concerned. Maybe it’s better if we bring you to the hospital wing, so that madam Pomfrey can examine you! “Ron says.
“You don’t have to bring me to the hospital wing! I’m fine I swear it! “Draco cries.
“That’s what un uncle of me also said. But before we knew it, he was lying on his back, dead! He suffered from a fatal heart attack!” Ron says.
“Oh, poor dear, why did you tell us? “Hermione says.
“Why haven’t you told us of your uncle? “ Harry asks.
“Strangely I forget it. Maybe because the memory about it was to painful! But know Draco Malfoy is acting so odd, I had to think about it.” Ron says.
“I’m very sorry about your uncle. But there is nothing wrong with my health! I don’t think that I will suffer from a fatal heart attack
I’m only seventeen! I’m much to young for it!” Draco cries.

“Yes, but you never know. We thought that my uncle was to young for it too. But it happened. Come on we will bring you to the hospital wing! “ Ron says while he pulls Draco by his arm!
“He stop what are you doing! I don’t want to go to the hospital wing! I’m fine! “ Draco says.
“What does he think he is doing?” Hermione says.
“Let’s follow him! “ Harry says while he and Hermione start to follow Draco and Ron.

“Let me go! Please let me go! I want to Miss Macha’s lesson! I’m fine! “ Draco cries and cries
“Please, don’t be so headstrong! Stop denying it! “ Ron says.

Finally they arrive at the hospital wing.
“Madam Pomfrey, Madam Pomfrey. There is something seriously wrong with Draco Malfoy!” Ron says.
“What do you mean there is something wrong with MR Malfoy?” Madam Pomfrey asks
“I think he is seriously ill. But he doesn’t want to admit it!” Ron says.
“Why do you think he is seriously ill? He looks fine to me. He has a healthy colour on his face.” Madam Pomfrey says.
“Well he is acting very strange today. He is kind to us! “ Ron cries.
“And? I’m sure there is nothing wrong about that! You only have to be happy with that! And know let that poor boy go” Madam Pomfrey says.
“Yes, please let me go!” Draco cries.

Ron let Draco go who quickly run awards the dungeon so that he wont miss Maira Macha’s lesson.
“Do you know Ronald? Something you really scare me!” Hermione says.
“Yeah, me too!” Harry says.
“Oh, dear!” Ron says.

It is good, but I had a few qualms with it. In the beginning you tell us how the students feel, etc. but instead it makes it more interesting for the reader if you show us this and let us work it out for ourselves instead of just telling us how they are feeling. For example, instead of saying 'they were looking forward to her lesson', you could say 'the students ran eagerly to the tower, as each of them was wondering what the lesson would hold instore'. See the difference?
Also, you wrote in future tense, which feels odd. Try writing it in past tense, then you will get the feel of J.K. Rowling's writing.
At one point you say 'what she will learn them about the history of magic', it should be 'what she will teach them', because it is English.
You have a tendency to overuse exclamation marks...only use them if someone is shouting or in an argument, eventhough something may be a statement they rarely require exclamation marks. If you use them too often they use their meaning, plus readers don't like to imagine whole shouted conversations...give it some depth.
Good luck.

I didn't like this. You used extremely short, choppy sentences, especially in the second paragraph. The grammar was awful. The part about Ron's uncle seemed way too long, cut it down or cut it out! I didn't understand the ending, either. Ron wouldn't say, "Oh dear". Have you read the books? You don't follow the characters' personalities. I was not impressed at all with this story.

I was quite surprised that you didn't use J. K. Rowling's style, but I've never actually read fan fiction before, so i guess you don't have to imitate the style of the writer, just use the characters.

Well, for my first reading of some fan fiction, I must admit that it was good and it has encouraged me to read more in the future, so thanks for that!

Hello. First off, I would like to say welcome to the young writers society! My name is Brooke aka blacktiger. If you need any questions to be answered or just need a friend, I'm here for you!

Now the story

I never read fan fiction so you are the first! Do you feel special?

This was not good at all to me. First, the grammar was off and the plot was all over the place. I don't think Malfoy and Harry would be friendly to each other. I think if it was a more exciting plot and they were friends, then it might had worked.

Anyway, have a great time on the site and best wishes for future works! Peace

First welcome to yws! this writing is unusal and very sloppy.