Cockroaches and Condoms

Snoink · 2008-06-30T06:05:56Z

“Here, let me get that,” he murmured, pushing the door open. The girl poked her head in and wrinkled her nose. “It’s dark.” “That’s because there’s no light turned on. Wait a sec.” He shifted the bags more fully to his right arm and fumbled for the light. “It’s here somewhere, I know it is.” “Well, hurry up, won’t you? I don’t like standing outside.” “Then go inside.” “But it’s dark.” He sighed. “Will you hold the bags then?” “No.” He stared at her for a moment and then shrugged, setting the bags near the door. Blindly, he navigated the room, silently grateful that Nicole could not see him. There seemed to be no light switches anywhere, but, when he tripped on the bed, he knocked over a lamp. “Marcus? Are you okay?” she said. He grunted. “I think I found the lamp.” “Ha, ha, very funny. Turn it on.” “Wait a minute.” He grabbed the lamp and put it on the nightstand before turning the switch. Light flooded the room. Nicole blinked and looked around. At the very center, there was a bed with ragged sheets, and hovering over it was Marcus, who looked even more ragged. He smiled when he saw her. “You look beautiful.” She ignored him and stepped in. “I don’t like this place.” Marcus shrugged. “It’s good enough. I don’t see any cockroaches yet. And the bed looks comfy enough, right? And, if that doesn’t suit our purposes, we can always do it in the shower.” “I’m leaving.” “No, wait, stop!” he cried, rushing to her side. “Please, I didn’t mean it that way. I respect you and everything, really.” He glanced over the room and frowned. “It’s not great, but at least nobody will bug us. And you said you wanted to do it, right?” When she hesitated, he touched her arm with his fingertips. “I love you.” “Fine.” She walked to the bed, slipping off her high heels. “Well, what are you waiting for?” “I’m sorry. Wait.” He took the bag and carried it on the bed. “Condoms, of course. And here’s a dildo. You won’t need that, of course.” He gave a harsh laugh. She picked up the dildo with interest. “Where did you get this?” “My friend Jared gave it to me for a Christmas present.” “But why did you keep it?” “I don’t know.” When Nicole raised her eyebrows, he added, “Mom freaked out when she saw it, but I hid it along with the condoms and she never found it. She still thinks it’s thrown out.” “This is stupid.” “I suppose it is.” He tossed the dildo in the trash, his face bright red. “There! It’s gone! Now, are you ready?” “I suppose.” She set it down and sighed, lying down on the bed. “My mom would kill me if she knew what I was doing.” “Where does she think you are?” “My friend’s.” She smiled and leaned back. “Of course, I think she suspected something. But she didn’t say anything, so here I am.” “Mmm.” He sat down next to her and put his hand on hers. “So, want to do it?” “Not yet.” It was quiet for a minute. Finally, Marcus turned to her. “Now?” “Oh God, you’re impatient. Fine, we can do it.” She sighed. “Mmm.” He rolled on top of her and gnawed her neck. “You’re beautiful, you know that?” he murmured. “Yeah.” He smiled. “Can I take off your clothes?” “No.” “Should I take off my pants?” “Now?” “I’ll put on a condom.” “Not yet.” “Why not?” “Because.” Marcus shuddered and curled up into her arms. “This is going to be wonderful.” At that moment, something skittered across the bed. Nicole flew up, defying every law of physics and before Marcus could blink, she was across the room, cursing as she wedged on her heels. “There’s--something--ahh!” She ran out of the room. Marcus blinked. A mouse stared back at him, sitting on its hind legs, its little whiskers quivering as it sniffed the air. Then, after twittering some, it skittered off the bed. The door slammed shut. Marcus ran after her. “Nicole? Nicole! Come back, it wasn’t anything bad, just a mouse. Nicole? Hey! Hey! Hey !”

Lilith

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Fri Jul 04, 2008 6:04 pm

Lilith says... · Fri Jul 04, 2008 6:04 pm

Okay, the title grabbed me but for totally different reasons. (dirty thoughts, dirty dirty thoughts) but I liked it. It was a quick, very interesting piece. Yes the characters may seem a bit flat but they're being conveyed in a very confining time span and for making them as realistic as you did, I must bow to you.

Anyway, it was really good.

Oh and Jared is not that sexy of a name. Okay, maybe to me it isn't. The only Jared I know is terribly dull in the head and landed himself in prison at the age of like, 15. Okay, now I'm rambling.

Duffy -- "Watch out for Jesse, he wants what he can't have."
Emily -- "Oh boy, he can have me."
Duffy -- "Figures..."

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Doctor Kitty

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Reviews 142

Sat Jul 05, 2008 10:11 pm

Doctor Kitty says... · Sat Jul 05, 2008 10:11 pm

All the Jareds I know are annoying. Ha, putting that aside:

I enjoyed this piece. I really need to read stuff on YWS more. I'm missing out. I clicked on this because the name is odd, and it's on the featured works. If that makes me a bad person, then...Well. It does.

Anyways, this was funny. I didn't see the characters as flat at all. What I'm wondering is why a girl like Nicole is with this Marcus guy. He's amusingly awkward, especially with his little, "I respect you and everything, really," statement, and contrasts the seemingly reluctant attraction of his "way-out-of-his-league" partner nicely.

I liked the characters. Very opposite, but maybe that's why they're together.

Or not. It's a mystery to me.

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Jstlkuimgnd

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Reviews 4

Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:17 am

Jstlkuimgnd says... · Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:17 am

It started out with a lot of potential, the cringing boy and the slightly haughty/reserved and doubtful girl. The dialogue was good, got the job done. But when you're basing a story on the interactions between characters, you really need to develop the chemistry between them. It's really hard, especially with the length of the story, but there needs to be feeling and history between them. The dildo thing is good, but it doesn't do enough. There needs to be a little description, to bring out their characters. For example:

"It was quiet for a minute. Finally, Marcus turned to her."

That was a great point, funny, but if you could describe like, Marcus fidgeting or Nicole staring out a window, coughing, something more to give them life, the story becomes much more vibrant. Again, the dialogue is good, funny, interesting, could use more of it, but it's the descriptions, lack of them, that kind of deflate the story, especially the second part of it. Almost feels like the thing is a skeleton, and you need to put some meat on it. But it's a real solid skeleton.

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Speele

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Sun Jul 06, 2008 8:49 am

Speele says... · Sun Jul 06, 2008 8:49 am

The characters aren't fully developed, but you didn't have much time to do so. I actually think Marcus had a very real personality considering what a short time you had to give us a sense of him.

Marcus shuddered and curled up into her arms. “This is going to be wonderful.”

That line is what did it! I mean how unguy-like is that? He's so innocent and sweet and naive and eager and young! Yay!

The chick just seemed like an asexual butthead. I didn't like her. probably because I like Marcus so much. If you wanted the reader to like her, then rewrite. If not, then you nailed it. No pun intended. Was that a pun? I dunno. Kinda risque, if so. Wow, I'm rambling..

Point is, it wasn't, like, the next Shakespeare sorta thing. But it was real and amusing and alive. And this is all we ask.

A writer is someone who writes. Nothing more.

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Curlyqpride

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Wed Jul 09, 2008 2:24 am

Curlyqpride says... · Wed Jul 09, 2008 2:24 am

LOL, this is funny!

along with the dirty concept you think one thing is going to happen and then AHHHH! LOL, nice job! This is comedic and reminds of certain movies ove seen that have the same humor lol.

Hello! I go by Curly!

I only give positive reviews because I don't like to give critism for some strange reason.

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sofi

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Wed Jul 09, 2008 12:47 pm

sofi says... · Wed Jul 09, 2008 12:47 pm

the two pieces of yours which ive read both have a lot of dialogue, and like i said about your other one i dont usually like things which are like that, but for some reason yours just seem to work. you portray enough about who the characters are and the situation through what they are saying, and i dont think you really need to know anymore about that..unless your continuing it.

hmm id like to say something more constructive, but i dont really think theres anything more to say about it just that i really enjoyed reading it.

'Don't you just love these long rainy afternoons in New Orleans when an hour isn't just an hour but a little bit of Eternity dropped into your hands- and who knows what to do with it?'
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vixeyt

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Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:07 am

vixeyt says... · Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:07 am

The title was very interesting and draws you in. The entire story seems more funny than romantic, which is actually better. The dialogue is amusing and the whole situation is rather funny, especially why he has a dildo when as far as I know they're just going to have sex

The opposite of courage is not cowardice but conformity

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