Summer

Please check out..and maybe comment...on my other poem. It's called summer but in parenthesis it says rewrite. =]

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I was recently at the beach, and it inspired me to write a poem about the summer. I know it isn't the best and could use a lot of work, but here it goes...
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Summer Break

Summer vacation ...
Is a fun sensation
A time to roam about
Without a doubt.
All your cares and worries
Have left in a hurry.
One of the greatest times of the year
Has arrived--so scream and cheer.

I personally enjoy short, simple poems. This one is pretty straight forward, but it does have the potential to be more. If you wish, you may consider extending it and transition into an event during the summer that portrays your definition of summer vacation.

And here's the only grammer mistakes I caught:

Summer vacation ... According to MLA, there needs to be a space between the ellipsis and surrounding letters or other marks)

All your cares and worries (no comma here, commas were invented to divide two seperate ideas within one sentence, like what I did right here)
Have left in a hurry.
One of the greatest time of the year (same thing here)
Has arrived--so scream and cheer.

But if you want the reader to pause between lines, replace the bad commas with ellipses (...)

That was a really cool poem. It did make me want to scream and shout! (In a good way.)

When you said, "One of the greatest time of year" I think you meant, "One of the gratest times of year". That was the only problem.

Keep on scribblin'

nice.... =]


much like something i would write... check out my poems and reveiw them please!!!

-M.J.-

A short but enyable read. I love this!

A bit too short for my taste, but it was well written.

All your cares and worries
Have left in a hurry.

Every other line seems to be written in rhyming couplets, so this one feels a little bit out of place.
The ... doesn't really work for me. I would recommend a full stop, or just pure enjambment.

Good work!

I like this poem a lot, it suits the season (of course) and the feelings that everyone has when school gets out,

the only issue:

All your cares and worries

Have left in a hurry.

This doesn't rhyme, and since the rest of the poem rhymes, it doesn't work. You either need to make the whole poem not rhyme or change this line and make it rhyme.


Just fix that and it will be wonderful!

most of the advice and stuff (sorry mrs. kelly, i said a vague word...and sorry mrs. harms, i think i spelled vague wrong) the i could give you has already been pointed out by everyone else.
i think this poem really captures the element of summer...good job with that...

i have to agree with the two reviews before me that the whole worries/hurry thing doesn't really work

if you have to fix anything, it should be that...

nice work!


-GC10

It was nice, but very short...I felt you could have done more with an entire season and been more unique. Your rhymes were nice, but nothing special...perhaps you could try to use words which aren't used that often next time.
I would have liked you to expand on what you wrote and let yourself indulge in more description, to involve the reader more.
Nice poem though!

This is my first review here =]
I thought this poem was very sweet and upbeat, a good representation of summer and the happy feeling of being on holiday. I think you could improve it by adding more description and working on bringing in a wider vocabulary, so as to make your poem stand out.

Hey!

To me, it was a little too telling and, like jMin said, straight forward. As summer seems to be something you're quite passionate about, you could've done a lot more. There's only a matter-of-fact tone, and all the poeticness (?) doesn't exist.

One of the greatest times of the year

Has arrived--so scream and cheer.

The lining is a little weird. I don't think you should capitalize the last line.

Well, overall I thought that the idea is good and cute, and by rewriting, maybe, you could have something absolutely great! I'm sorry if I sounded too harsh, by the way...

See you around!

Demeter xx