prologue

okay, so I started this story in february and finished a few days after the end of school. the book doesn't have a title...yet...and it was all handwritten. so a lot of chapters etc. may seem short, but they're longer handwritten...

this is the prologue.

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Dark, ominous clouds covered the moon; casting a shadow over the valley as rain began to fall.
Swarms of dirt billowed out from beneath the stocky horse's feet as it thundered down the unpaved road. The rider bounced about wildly as he held tightly onto the reins with one hand. The other was pressing down on the other man's back--that was draped over the horse's back, unconscious--in an attempt to keep him from falling off.
As the horse stormed onward, a pursuer exploded out of the forest on the side of the road. It was a muscular youth. Her jet black hair blew behind her in wisps as the wind pounded her dark skin. The girl--no older than fourteen--was mounted atop a tall, white stallion.
The two horses nearly collided as she swerved onto the road.
Driven only by blind fury, the girl pulled back behind the opposing horse and hurled a thick-bladed knife at the its leg; missing by about an inch.
The man on the other horse glanced back at nervously as the bold chaser pulled up next to him.
He turned back to the road as he urged his animal to speed up.
He shot a look at the young girl. She was staring back at him. Her eyes were squinted because of the pouring rain, though they were still noticeably glistening with anger, hate, and tears.
The man tightened his grip on his hostage, and gave her a frighteningly wry smile.
He extended his leg, and kicked the white horse next to him in the side.
As the now off balance horse toppled off the road, its young rider jumped from its back and landed uncomfortably on her right foot.
She stood there on the side of the road for a few crushing moments, before she took off.
Her feet rapidly slapped the wet earth as she chased after the black horse that was steadily drawing nearer.
Luckily, the man had allowed his horse to calm itself into a slow trot--thinking that he was free of any problems.
He victoriously looked back at the path behind him.
Startled that the girl was only feet from him, the man snapped his head back around and forced his weary horse to accelerate.
The girl sped up with it. Her lungs were burning and her legs were aching, but she had to go on.
Suddenly, the horse in front of her stumbled, and she had to awkwardly stop short so that she wouldn't run into it.
Using the brief moment to her advantage, she jumped up and grabbed onto the man's hood. She pulled it down, revealing the man's thick, brown hair.
He impulsively spun around and struck the girl in the head, hard.
She instantly released his hood as she flew to the ground.
The man glared back at her through the rain. His blood red eyes fiery and hating.
At that point, the horse had come to a complete stop, but the man began to ride away as the girl turned her head to the ground.
She lunged out, and took hold of the horse's ankle. But the horse quickly wriggled out of her grip, and kicked her in the forehead as it galloped away.
As the girl knelt there on the wet, dirt road and wept, she knew that she may never see her father--the king of Isaldier--again

ok, i know the paragraphs look small on here, but i was judging by the wide-ruled notebook paper that i first wrote it on...

Less tell, more show is all I can find to say. It's a rather big problem. ;-;

well, S.L., thanks for at least reading my post, but--to be honest--that didn't really help me much at all...

gamechanger10 wrote:Dark, ominous clouds covered the moon; casting a shadow over the valley as rain began to fall.

Although the semi-colon should look right, it doesn't. It looks like the sentence should be two and you're adding them together. Replace it with a comma. (This is what I think, so if I am wrong, I apologize.)

gamechanger10 wrote:The other was pressing down on the other man's back--that was draped over the horse's back, unconscious--in an attempt to keep him from falling off.

The bold feels awkward, I would recommend rewording the sentence to: "The other held down the unconscious man who was draped over the horse."

gamechanger10 wrote:Luckily, the man had allowed his horse to calm itself into a slow trot--thinking that he was free of any problems.

I would not put in the word 'luckily' because it gives a lot of the story away. In this prologue I wasn't sure who was the protagonist and who was the antagonist. It would be cool to keep that up until the 1st chapter or so.

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It's a good start to a potentially great story! You had a few mistakes, but they are simple ones to take care of.

The paragraphs are quite short. I know you said that it was written on notebook paper, but it still doesn't matter. A paragraph's a paragraph; I write on notebook paper all the time, I would recommend putting paragraph signs next to each line of the new paragraph. That way the story is more plump and paragraph-y.

Hope that helped!

dude..........................I never read the very last line of that.your whole finally makes sense. post the last chapter so I can see the end!!!

What I mean is, all you do is tell everything. It makes the entire story boring.

well ive already read this in its origional script.... but im still amazed by it. ok, joce, i would never say this to your face, but your writing is amazing. i love your book. shhhhh, don't tell anyone.

anyways, never stop

It needs some work. It doesn't have enough emotion and it is a bit confusing. I am sure I could understand it better if I had read more of the story, but it is good material, just keep working with it.

It's a good start Just remember that plot twists make or break a story.

You've got a great beggining here that has real potential. The one thing you need to work on is emotion.

"As the girl knelt there on the wet, dirt road and wept, she knew that she may never see her father--the king of Isaldier--again"

It's not BAD. It's just a bit bland, describe exactly what she's feeling, get me (the reader) inside the character's head. Get me to feel what he/she feels.

Think about it this way...

If you can get someone to blow through your writing, if you can make a critiquers job difficult because he/she is having too much fun reading the story, and if you can get the person reading to laugh, smile, cry, wince, or think, if you can have your readers finish your book/chapter/whatever and he/she walks away learing something...

then you, my friend have done your job.

Eyes of Eden

This is good! I would have to agree with Eyes of Eden; always try to put some emotion into the story and also set the scene a bit more. Otherwise, I think that you did a good job!



Israeli_Camel

I agree with Sela Locke that your telling everything and not showing.
I also didn't like all of the really really short paragraphs. I was really into the story...new paragraph. I was really into it again...new paragraph. It just makes it less, i don't know, enjoyable to read, if that makes sense? You could easily put those one lined paragraphs together without any work at all.
I really liked not knowing who the protagonist was till the end. (At first I though the girl was the bad one!)

When your writing it out on paper, it is easy to make paragraphs to short. I always make them at least 3 sentances long. I know it sounds like what a 2nd grade teacher would say, but it works!

OK, so, it's a very dark beginning. I thought you told more than showed, basically you used too

little descriptions that showed the reader what was happening. Anyway, you need to find a better word

than accelerated. For one thing, it's a horse we're talking about, not a motorbike or a car. Accelerated

just isn't the right word. Now, if you'll excuse my rantings, it was pretty well written. There wasn't much

loose wording and it ended with somewhat of a cliff-hanger.

I, being a world renowned scholar have read many a prolouge. Enough to know that this perticular prolouge is amatuer. if I would have to describe using one word I would say: terible, silly, stupid, idiotic, dumb. Oh wait, that was 4 . . . I mean...5. . . (whatever). My only advice to you is to never write anything again.




ha ha ha JK


Sincerely,
Gabriel R. Rowe

thanks gabe...NOT!...that didn't help very much.