Untitled WIP

Hello everyone.

I've been working on something for a few months now, but my readers in real life aren't the most dependable, especially for solid criticism and feedback. Here's the first segment; pending community reaction, I'll add more.

EDIT-while-previewing: It seems that copying and pasting removes most of my formatting - I hope you don't mind attachments.

Cheers, and enjoy.

Please delete this thread - I apologize for not reading through the regulations, and have posted this in the right subforum.

No!! Don't delete it - it just needs to be moved. I skimmed through it the other day, and it seems very good. One thing I did notice though - you tend to be a little wordy. Don't be afraid to use simple sentences, not just complex ones. Simple sentences are your friends. :D

Anyway, that's my fly-by-night critique for right now. Hehe.

Aha, but I've already created a new topic for it in the proper subforum. For purposes of organization and general cleanliness, this one should be removed. Thanks for giving it a look, though.