what if

what if all there is, is me?
what if i am all i see?
what if all my hearts desires
turn out to be a bunch of liars?
tell me truly what is real
and what is truly fake,
with all the dreams in this world
it's a wonder we're still awake!

first off, i thought it was very well written, with no real mistakes that i could spot with a glance. My only thing is its length, I know you may have intended it to be this length but at this size its more a poem than a song. unless you intend to stick a couple of repeats in there.

your rhyming was first class, your punctuation and grammar held no flaws. All in all a very enjoyable read =)

~i think i can, i think i can, i think i can!~

First off, welcome to YWS! Just so you know, we ask that every member review at least two other pieces before posting their own. This keeps the forums from getting flooded with unreviewed works. Please do four reviews before posting another piece.

To be honest, this didn't do a whole lot for me. It's a collection of vague questions and statements that happen to rhyme. Rhyming does not make good poetry. What does make good poetry is images, metaphors, and a good rhythm.

Next time you write, try focusing on something more specific. With a narrower focus, it's easier to come up with unique images and comparisons.

Also, stick to standard capitalization, please. It makes your poem much easier to read if the reviewer doesn't get hung up on all the i's.

Keep writing!

Seems you have a good mind full of wonder. I recognize the piece as something I could relate to, so similar to my style I could have even written it. I'd like to see something new, maybe a little longer and more detailed. This one, however, is short and sweet and to the point. Don't change a thing.

I dare say that this poem had a lovely 'bounce' to it. The rhythm came across like song and I could see myself singing it as I walked through the woods.

"with all the dreams in this world
it's a wonder we're still awake"

This confidence in our waking state is somewhat debatable, but it does not detract any, I feel, from the flow of your writing.

Wonderful.

Very good. Pat yourself on the back. My only thing was the exclamation point at the very end. We're generally smart people, we'll get that it's a funny line. Generally, exclamation points in poetry give things a sort of informality that I don't thin suits this poem, although your style is good and relaxed. Was that at all understandable? Sorry.

Anyway, bottom line is, super cool poem, keep writing, hope to see your stuff around!

This was an...um...interesting piece of work...
you're last line is a little strange and almost awkwardly fitting in with the rest...you might want to rewrite that--if anything.
The concept is...intreguing...And the other lines are well crafted and to a set rythm...

Nice work.



-me

coolio. It's a little confuzzling but I like that.
Also, I gotta agree with niteowl.you gotta use capitalazation.
I really enjoy reading your poems so keep writing them.

This was definatly interesting, very... er... bouncy? anyways, I liked the rhyming, but a couple lines seemed a bit forced,

what if all my hearts desires

turn out to be a bunch of liars?

this one doesn't really make alot of sense and the rhyming IS forced a bit, but good poem.

-Buggs

the meaning is a little confuzing but thats how i like to write. you have to think about it..... and give it your own personal meaning. to me it means, what if everything i've wished for or dreamed about is all just some made up fancy that can never come true. but thats just my perception.





-M.J.-

Welcome to YWS !! I'm sure you'll love it here. =]

Listen to niteowl. That girl's got some good tips that will definetley help you out ... She's someone you can always count on for an honest critique.

Although honest isn't always exactly what we want to hear, it helps us improve. So don't be set back if someone tells you something and you don't think that's exactly what you wanted to hear. We all get criticized every once in awhile ... My first poem I posted on a writing community like this got banged up completley. So don't worry about it.

I like how you think in the fact that you want the reader to have their own perception, their own personal meaning. I use this a lot in poems, and a lot of people think that isn't so good -- they want us to be so literal. But to me, and apparently to you, I like to have just a little bit of open space for the reader's thoughts to apply. In one of my favorite poems I have written, Alone, I leave the ending a little open so the reader can interprete a bit. I use this technique in art a lot ... I don't really tell people where the inspiration for a painting came from. I like them to have their own little personal feeling, to relate more to it.
But that's just me. =]

I think you possibly could've added a bit more. You seem like you have some potential for this poem, so bring the message out a little further. But your rhyming was done well, and no real grammar or spelling flaws. Something I'd reccommend would be to use punctuation and capitalization. You've got punctuation down, just add some capital letters in there and you'll be set!!

Keep writing.
Courtney

This was pretty good, in my opinion. I don't mind the capitalization (or lack there-of). I feel that choosing whether or not to capitalize can really kind of "set the mood", so to speak, for the piece. Also, it's personal preference. The fact that you did not capitalize did not take away from the poem, for me at least.

I felt there were two lines in the poem that didn't fit very well with the rest of them. They seemed kind of forced and out of place. They were:

"turn out to be a bunch of liars?"

and

"it's a wonder we're still awake!"

The way I was reading it, these lines upset the rhythm. However, that could simply be me!

A lot of people only talk about what they thought was wrong. I thought a lot was really good with this poem! I really liked the concept, and it's one that I, and many others, can relate with. But also, it's kinda vague, which leaves the reader thinking when the poem ends, and that's important, because thinking about it will make it memorable.

All in all, it just needs a few tweaks, but it is pretty good otherwise!

--Cassie

I liked it...and it seemed to rhyme pretty well.

The last line about how we're all still awake or something...was different. It fit in a way though.

Overall, it's a well written poem.