Untitled

It's coming to an end
With my boy and me,
I'm leaving town
So it's best that I'm free,
Yet for months I've had planned
If anyone's hurt, not me,
But now, same as always,
My boy's ignoring me.

Hi Jessi. Welcome to YWS.

This is a nice straight-forward poem. The rhythm is, for the most part, good, but I'd try reading it aloud just so you can get a better sense of how it sounds and should sound.

I think lines five and six are a bit vague. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say, and I think it sounds a tad forced.

Other than that, this flowed well because of your enjambment.

For the sake of experimentation, I'd try another draft of this, using the same thing but using more imagery and description. Instead of saying directly that the guy is ignoring you I'd describe how he acts around you, and how this is different from how it used to be.

Reading poetry, especially anthologies, is a great way to open yoru mind to different sorts of writing. Some really great books are "Being Alive", "Staying Alive", and "No Bliss Like This."

Hope this helps, and I look forward to reading more of yoru work.

Jas

Ps: I'd try thinking of a title. The title is what draws the reader into your piece and makes them want to read it.

It's coming to an end

With my boy and me.

I'm leaving town,

So it's best that I'm free.

Yet, for months I've had planned

If anyone's hurt, not me.

But now, same as always,

My boy's ignoring me.







I liked this, a lot.
The rhymes really work here.
I corrected a few punctuation and capitalization errors up above, too.

Try thinking up a title.
And go through the forums; read some poetry and some fiction.
The works on this site are really, really inspiring if oyu take time to read them.

It's coming to an end
[s]With[/s]For my boy and me,
I'm leaving town
So it's best that I'm free[s],[/s] .
Yet for months I've had planned Planned what?
If anyone's hurt, not me, This line didn't make sense >.<
But now, same as always,
My boy's ignoring me.


This needs a lot more description and imagery added to it. I didn't quite understand the fifth and sixth lines, so maybe I didn't wuite udnerstand whether you were trying to portray a deeper meaning?


The enjambment was good though (:

The topic of you poem is so cliche, so overdone, so stale that it's very difficult to make anything new and worthwhile out of it, and I'm afraid you didn't really pull it off.

You had no imagery, and I had no idea what, if any, emotion you wanted this to show. It seemed completely flat. The only thing that made it a poem, and not prose, was the vagueness (which doesn't necessarily constiture a poem) and the attempt at rhyme, which consisted of repeating me, except for the word 'free'.

To be perfectly honest, you'd have to change this completely to make it worth anything. It was a valiant attempt in it's own way, and I'm guessing it had something to do with real life so I understand the need to express yourself. But there was nothing original or poetic or interesting about this. It's only saving grace, to be perfectly honest, was it's blessed shortness.
Of course, part of what you need to do to fix it is make it longer, I just mean that if you had continued in that vein for a long time, all you'd end up with is inspid.

To be honest, I'd throw out pretty much that whole thing, and start all over again (if you must write on this topic). It should probably be a bit longer, it definitely needs much more imagery (you have next to nothing), freeverse might be a better format but if you're going to rhyme, don't just use the same word over and over again. And make sure that it's not completely vague.

"It's coming to an end
With my boy and me,
I'm leaving town
So it's best that I'm free,
Yet for months I've had planned
If anyone's hurt, not me,
But now, same as always,
My boy's ignoring me." It shouldn't be all one sentence, otherwise it's just rambling. You need some cutoffs to have it make better sense.
"I'm leaving town so it's best that I'm free." Shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't you be leaving town because it's best that you're free?

Sorry if this sounds unnecessarily harsh, but if you're going to try to tackle a topic that's been tried millions of times before, you have to make an extra effort for it to be original, or it will never make an impression.

Best of luck, and keep writing:)


*adna*