Poisoned Roses--Chapter 7

ashleylee · 2008-06-22T16:44:47Z

All right...I need harsh critiques now because this is my first love scene (kind of) in my story, so I need peoples' honest opinions! :D Hope you enjoy it! **Edited as of Sept. 21** ___________________________________________________________________________________ CHAPTER SEVEN In the café, he opens the door for me, letting me pass first. Immediately upon entrance into the tiny restaurant I get a scent of all the things inside—hamburgers on the grill, humans coated with sweat and grime, puffs of perfume. I shake my head as Isaac enters behind me. “You okay?” I feel the tip of his fingers tentatively touch my shoulder in concern. I nod, smiling brightly at him. He grins back, leading me to any empty booth. As I sit, I see the error in my ways as the waitress comes over to take our order. She is a petite blonde chewing bubble-gum and wearing a tight shirt showing a fair amount of cleavage. She smiles at Isaac and pulls out her notepad. I concentrate on what I must do. What was I thinking? Now I will have to order food that I can’t eat! Sighing, realizing how stupid I have been. I should have just let him take me home. “What can I get for you, darling?” the waitress asks me, popping a bubble in her mouth. I glance up, seeing that Isaac has already ordered. “What did you get?” I ask, having not a clue what to order. “Burger and fries,” Isaac answers, handing the menu to the lady. “I’ll have the same,” I tell her, and she smiles, writing it down. After she glides away, I glance outside as a boom of thunder makes the lights flicker. “Looks like it is going to storm,” Isaac comments, following my gaze. “Yeah,” I mumble, watching as the clouds swirl above us. “So what was the deal with Carmen?” he asks me, staring me in the eye. “Umm, he just didn’t want to pick me up.” I shrug. Isaac frowns. “Why not?” “Didn’t feel like it, I guess.” “Wow…and you call him your friend?” Isaac is puzzled. “It’s a weird relationship we have,” I hurry to explain. “Oh, so you guys have known each other long?” “Many, many years.” A flash of lightening illuminates Isaac’s face, his eyes appearing even brighter, if that were possible. “We’ve been friends since we were young…” I trail off, caught up in the memories of long ago. I had met Carmen a few days after I had made the transformation. He was young, nearing his seventieth year as a vampire. Philip was introducing me to the Coven when we made eye contact. Carmen had flashed me that dazzling smile of his and waltzed over. We started talking and that’s all it took. “Doesn’t seem like the nicest guy…” Isaac interrupts the wave of memories. I look up and see his pinched expression; he seems angry at this statement. “Yeah, he can be a jerk. But then again, he can be a sweetheart too,” I tell him. “I guess everyone can be like that.” “I suppose.” I shrug, picking absently at the table. An awkward silence settles around us and I can feel Isaac’s eyes on me, watching my every move. “Are you okay?” he suddenly asks, breaking the silence. When I nod, he frowns. “Are you sure, because if this is like…awkward for you and you would rather me take you home, that’s fine.” He trips over his words, slurring them together in a rush to get them out. I smile softly at his sensitivity towards my feelings. “No, it’s cool,” I assure him, and he smiles back, his eyes lighting up again. “So…” he trails off, struggling to find a topic to talk about. I observe him from under my lashes. “How was your winter break?” “It was fine, I guess. Boring, basically,” I intone, sighing deeply. “Oh,” he mumbles. “How was yours?” His lips part in an excited grin. “Great, actually. I went to Mexico with my friend Cody’s family.” “So that’s why you’re so tan,” I note. He nods happily. “I wish I was still there,” he sighs when his eyes suddenly widen as he spots something over my shoulder. “What?” I wonder, quickly turning around. I soon see what caught his eye. Three girls enter the café, all seemingly slender and attractive. I recognize the blonde in front as the girl who had exchanged saliva with Isaac that day in lunch. “You know them?” I cock an eyebrow at him. “Yeah,” he murmurs. “Will she be mad that you're here with me?” I incline my head towards the blonde who is scanning the tables for an empty booth. “I don’t know…” Isaac trails off when she spots him. I see her face light up but then she sees me and the corners of her mouth turn down in a scowl. She whispers something to her friends before marching over, her heels clicking rhythmically against the tiled floor. “Isaac, honey!” she exclaims, shuffling over and pressing her lips pointedly on his cheek. I am shocked when my fingers clench into fists at the gesture. I frown at this reaction, gazing quizzically at my fingers curled inwards at my sides. “Brittany,” Isaac intones, clearly not happy to see her. I relax slightly at this. “How have you been? I haven’t talked to you in so long…” she pouts, puckering her lips near his face. Isaac glances at me and pushes her gently on the shoulders, giving himself some room. “Fine, Brittany, just fine,” he says quietly; I quickly look down to hide my smile. “Well, it just seems like you’re ignoring me,” she grumbles softly, crossing her arms tight across her chest emphasizing her low-cut tee. I softly snarl at this, knowing exactly what she is aiming for at this action. Isaac doesn’t bother to look over. “I already explained. It would be better if we just don’t talk anymore.” I sense the tension emitting from him and glance at him with bewilderment. He just gives a shake of his head, clearly saying that we will talk later. I frown, glancing at Brittany. By the abrupt change in her features—anger now creasing her forehead—I realize that this is a very sensitive subject for both of them. “But I miss you, baby,” she moans, slinging her arms around him. “Brittany, seriously.” He suddenly stands, removing her arms from his chest. “I told you already. We are done.” His expression is stony. Brittany looks close to tears. “So, you have already moved on, then?” She glares furiously at me, her lower lip quivering. I shake my head, trying to reassure her that her assumptions are false. “No, she’s just a friend,” he whispers, noticing that everyone is starting to stare. I narrow my eyes at an overly curious man, and he quickly looks back to his plate. Satisfied, I turn to look at Isaac. “Fine, Isaac,” Brittany finally utters before hurrying away, her blonde hair swinging. Her friends all shoot me deadly glares as they follow her to the bathroom. I cringe at their open hostility. What did I ever do to them? I wonder with a scowl. Peeking over at Isaac, I spot him running his fingers through his hair, a spasm of pain crossing his features, his eyes distant, residing in the past. My long-deceased heart reaches out to him as if the pain he feels is my own. I sigh, standing up. “I’m sorry,” I whisper to him, hesitantly touching his hand. He jumps, as if electrocuted, and I quickly remove my hand. “It’s not your fault,” he assures me. “But I’ve suddenly lost my appetite.” I smile warmly at him. “Me too. Let’s get out of here.” And without thinking, I take his hand in mine, running for the door. I hear the waitress approach with our food. Isaac shoots a quick apology at her before we exit the café. Out in the parking lot, we are soaked to the bone with chilling raindrops, washing away all the slushy snow into the gutters. I squeal, pulling Isaac faster towards his car. Once there, I release his hand, abandoning him for the passenger seat. I tug on the door but it stays steadfast. I glance widely at Isaac as rain stings my eyes. “Isaac!” I wail as he struggles to find his keys. “I can’t find them!” he panics, digging in his pockets. I start jogging in place, hoping to keep warm while I wait patiently for him. Finally, he pulls them triumphantly from his jeans. I smile, and he unlocks the door. I hear the click of my own and I swing it open, escaping inside. Slamming the door shut, Isaac puts the key into the ignition as I glance at him. His hair is plastered to his forehead, a dark brown when wet. His skin is sprinkled with raindrops and his long-sleeved tee is molded to his—my eyes widen—muscled chest and arms. His eyelashes bat against his rosy cheeks, elongated by the rain, as he brushes the hair from his forehead. He glances over at me, his eyes sparkling with merriment as he pulls out into the street. I quickly glance away, knowing that I look a mess. I can feel the water drip off of my hair that is now framed around my face. I pull at my shirt, fitting to me like a second skin, and my jeans squeak when I bend my knees. Isaac laughs as I struggle to get comfortable, and I can’t help but laugh with him. “Heat?” he asks, and I nod happily as my teeth begin to chatter. He flicks the switch and heat gushes from the open vents. I close my eyes, basking in the hot air blowing steadily onto my face. I breathe deeply, enjoying the warmth, when suddenly my whole body tenses. A scent like nothing I had ever encountered before enters unwillingly into my nostrils. It is heady, like the humid air on a summer’s day or a bonfire in the evening. It signifies everything hot and manly and it is emitting out of Isaac’s pores towards me. I struggle for control as my mouth begins to salivate. His scent is intoxicating, swallowing me into its smoky depths. I try to concentrate on myself, on keeping my body in balance. I should have never gone out in the rain! The water must have washed off all of his cologne… I think as my pupils dilate. The car is too small, his scent too strong. It fills the small cab with the mouthwatering scent, sending my hormones on a wild ride through my veins. I grab for the seat, holding it in a deathly grip. I hear the cushion give way beneath my supernatural strength and my nails pierce my skin through the fabric but still I hold on. I can’t afford to loose control in such a place where no one would know what happened. No one would find out , a voice caresses my ears. You could savor him, and no one would know… I shake my head, fighting the urge to kill, to drink, to satisfy my thirst. His blood is hot, slowly warming to my taste. It pumps audibly through his veins like the most awful sin—so desirable yet so wrong. Isaac’s voice pierces the fog in my mind, and I clamp my eyes shut as he speaks. “So, where do you live?” I swallow hard. “On a gravel road…121st street,” I tell him as another wave of scent flows over me. I stop breathing and it seems to help as I feel the tires hit gravel; he has turned off the main road. My eyes fly open, and I spot the gate ahead. “You can stop here!” I practically shout, and Isaac slams on the breaks. “But it’s raining,” he glances at me as the car screeches to a halt. “It’s okay. I can manage,” I whisper, reaching for the door handle. “Hey, Sophia!” he calls when I swing my legs out. “Yes?” I ask, not looking at him, still struggling for control. The scent is unbearable…so hot…so thirsty … “Thanks for today,” he mumbles, and I eye him with surprise, for a moment forgetting his attractive fragrance. “I didn’t…” “For you being there and all,” he continues, smiling softly at me. “Sure. No problem,” I manage to say. “I’ll see you at school on Monday?” His voice is hopeful. “Yeah,” I assure him as I leap from the car, slamming the door. Outside in the clean air, his scent fades as he backs out onto the main road. I breathe again, and I hear him honk his horn. I wave when his lights flash before disappearing down the road. As I walk up the driveway, my breathing returns to normal and my hands cease their shaking. Slowly, my pupils shrink to normal size and I can relax. Then the enormity of what just conspired hits me with such force that I drop to my knees. I could have killed him…

ashleylee

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Wed Jul 02, 2008 5:41 pm

ashleylee says... · Wed Jul 02, 2008 5:41 pm

JabberHut

I don't think you are loosing your touch! Your review was as great as before! (ha "as" ha I promise to work on that!)

Thanks so much!

Dommy65:

Wow all in one day! That's crazy!

But I'm glad you like it!

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach

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endless_secrets

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Thu Jul 03, 2008 6:44 pm

endless_secrets says... · Thu Jul 03, 2008 6:44 pm

I just read all seven chapters and thought they were all amazing! I woul;d point out mistakes and error but it seems someone has already done this for me.

All I can say is be careful near the beginning, it seems extrememly similar to Twilight as i saw some other people pointed out. Also, I think the chapters are too short, but hey, some people like short chapters so maybe that one is just me. Lastly just a comment regarding character, I didn't like that Carmen dared her to get a ride with him, only because he is so overprotective of her and this is my favorite thing about him. I might have had her get a ride with him anyways because Carmen wasn't showing up and then had them have a confrontation about it later on. But overall, it kept me reading and i definately want to keep reading which means i hope you keep writing
PM me when the next chapter is out

Always and forever an endless secret...
Visit my blog! leamckee.blogspot.com!

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ashleylee

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Thu Jul 03, 2008 9:13 pm

ashleylee says... · Thu Jul 03, 2008 9:13 pm

endless_secrets

Thanks so much!

Your comment made me so happy! I really enjoy it when people say they like my word (as i'm sure every writer does :wink:

)

Of course I will PM you when I post more...but it might not be for awhile because I'm fixing all of the corrections, especially the part about Caremen daring here. That was WAY out of character for him and I realize that now.

But thanks again and welcome to YWS! I hope you like the site!

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach

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omsvmars22

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Fri Jul 04, 2008 1:57 am

omsvmars22 says... · Fri Jul 04, 2008 1:57 am

I just read all seven chapters and I would just like to say that this story is simply...griping
It really is amazing and it was the highlight of my day to read it.
It looks like everyone already caught those pesky grammar errors so my job is done there...

I do have a few things that bothered me, most of them are things that other people have pointed out.

Watch out for your beginning, I am getting Twilight memories. However, you don't stay on the Twilight path and that's good! I am sure that you will be careful to skirt that Twilight line *glares at line* :lol:

The only other thing is that I am sure every other person has shoved in your face. I don't like how its Carmen who dares her into the car. In the beginning Carmen is protective of her and tells her to stay away from Isaac and now he is basically pushing them together? Unless this is all part of something to come in the future it is of my most respectful opinion that you do some rewrite and make it so she chooses to go in the car on her own in spite of what Carmen says. It is of my humble belief that Carmen would still feel a little jealous of the potential couple and would be doing all in his power to make sure the relationship failed.

Other then those two things your story was amazing *gets wide eyed* :shock:

Your characters were relatable(something I imagine was hard since most of them so far are vampires)
Your comparisons and writing are great!
I can't wait to read the rest of it! I will be keeping an eye out for it so hurry please!

It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea

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ashleylee

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Fri Jul 04, 2008 1:01 pm

ashleylee says... · Fri Jul 04, 2008 1:01 pm

omsvmars22:

Wow....simply wow.

I still can't believe that you and endless_secrets read my whole SEVEN chapters in one day...You guys are AWESOME!

Thank you so much!

And I promise to PM you when I post the next chapter!

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach

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lucyy

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Mon Aug 18, 2008 3:08 pm

lucyy says... · Mon Aug 18, 2008 3:08 pm

That chapter has left me totally breathless .. such raw emotions!! I seriously can't stop reading this ... I'm off to the next chapter. I've never read so much on here in one day ... oh well it more than satisfies my summer holiday boredom :wink:

Lucyy xx

"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."

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ashleylee

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Wed Aug 20, 2008 1:16 pm

ashleylee says... · Wed Aug 20, 2008 1:16 pm

lucyy:

haha, so true! I sometimes spend my whole DAY on here, just reading, cause I have nothing better to do :wink:

Thanks again, Luc, for reading!

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach

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Merry_Haven

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Thu Aug 21, 2008 10:28 pm

Merry_Haven says... · Thu Aug 21, 2008 10:28 pm

Ashley-
Wow. The detail for this chapter and any other chapter for this story is so unexplainable. I can't really find a word for it, besides amazing. The detail on the food and restaurant is so...oh, I can't even find the best/right word for it. Sorry. :wink:

Anyway, I can't really find something I didn't like. I liked the majority of it besides the waitress and Brittany.
I'm kind of glad Sophia didn't let her emotions and blood lust get the best of her. The car situation didn't seem like the right moment for it, but maybe later...
So, again, nothing much besides that I want to read more! You are a one of a kind writer, Ashley.

-Merry
~off to chapter 8...~

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ashleylee

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Sat Aug 23, 2008 12:39 am

ashleylee says... · Sat Aug 23, 2008 12:39 am

Merry_Haven:

Ahh, thanks, Merry. You flatter me :oops:

Thanks so much for reading!

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach

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ashleylee

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Sun Sep 21, 2008 5:12 pm

ashleylee says... · Sun Sep 21, 2008 5:12 pm

*edited*

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach

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Angel of Death

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Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:02 pm

Angel of Death says... · Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:02 pm

Hello again!

Wow this was intense. Your descriptions, were, as always wonderful and this I think, was one of the chapters that makes this so much different than Twilight. The break-up scene was written perfectly and the way you wrote Sophia getting hungry by Isaac's scent was marvelous. I am loving this story more and more everyday. Off to the next chapter.

Thanks for the read,
~Angel

True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.

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ashleylee

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Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:21 pm

ashleylee says... · Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:21 pm

Angel of Death:

Thanks! I'm so glad you like this!

This scene was really hard for me to right because I wanted it to be intense. I'm glad that it worked :wink:

Thanks again, Angel!

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach

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KJ

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Mon Oct 20, 2008 4:06 pm

KJ says... · Mon Oct 20, 2008 4:06 pm

CHAPTER SEVEN: I notice that you slip into the past tense sometimes. Gotta watched that.

Also, there should ALWAYS be a space after every period

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