Young Writers Society

Can you tell

The terrible pain of love

From the sweet

Pain of death?

Going on for eternity,

Never stopping, not once.

An endless masquerade

Of characters, just

Passing on by.

Never caring an ounce,

Never saying hi.

No help if you

Are going to die;

You aren't worthy.

We don't bat an eye.

Death and

Pain and

Suffering abound

Through this world.

Along with hatred

And prejudice.

But it can all be stopped

By sharing a smile,

A hug, a kiss,

A knowing look;

Is all it takes.

To completely change

A life.

This was very good! I really liked it! It was so simple, yet carried a great, underlying message! There are only two lines that bugged me.

Never caring an ounce,

Hmm? No. Please, just no. It doesn't work, and it doesn't sound right.

A knowing look.

Is all it takes

I would combine these sentences.

Otherwise, this was amazing!

But it can all be stopped

By sharing a smile,

A hug, a kiss,

A knowing look;

Is all it takes.

To completely change

A life.

these words have really touched me. throughout the whole poem i felt emotion. i agree with creaking silence, it was indeed simple but sweet. great job!

This is fine, I think you could improve it a bit however. First of all, you don't need to capitalize the first word of each line. Think of it like you're writing a sentence in a narrative. Would you writer "Can you tell The terrible pain of love From the sweet Pain of death?" No. Only capitalize when necessary.

Now I'll break it down stanza by stanza.

Can you tell
The terrible pain of love
From the sweet
Pain of death?

This sounded very strange to me. Terrible pain of love? Sweet pain of death? Maybe I'm black and white, but I don't consider love terrible and death sweet. It's your poetic license, but I would consider editing that.

Going on for eternity,
Never stopping, not once.
An endless masquerade
Of characters, just
Passing on by.

I think this rhythmically disconnects from the last stanza, I would add "of characters" to the end of the third line and "just" to the beginning of the fifth. But once again, all your choice.

Never caring an ounce,
Never saying hi.
No help if you
Are going to die;
You aren't worthy.

I'm not too crazy about the rhyme here. "Die" is such a cliched rhyming word. I think some colorful imagery might help it become a bit more interesting.

We don't bat an eye.
Death and
Pain and
Suffering abound
Through this world.

Once again with some cliched words that just feel so... lifeless. I'm talking about "death" and "pain" It doesn't allow the poem to go anywhere.

Along with hatred
And prejudice.
But it can all be stopped
By sharing a smile,
A hug, a kiss,
A knowing look;
Is all it takes.
To completely change
A life.

These are probably the most powerful lines in your poem. They're simple yet they make an impact. Once again "hatred" and "prejudice" are kind of "clunker" for me.

Hope this helps.

I love this poem. It was really simple but it carried a very powerful message. I didn't see anything wrong with this but keep writing. Sorry that I didn't have much to say.
Good Job,
Angel

Yeah this was very good. As Angel of Death said it's very simple but carries a strong, and beautiful message.

I only had a few problems with this. Firstly I didn't feel the first four lines necessary. They didn't add anything to your strong message. Refine them or, just part with them.

Also:

You aren't worthy.

I feel as if this poem is about not just showing how simple it is to change a life but also make people feel better about themselves. I know this was to show how people feel about themselves, but I feel as if you were saying it to the person. I think you could work it to make it sound nicer and more supportive.


Apart from that is was gooooood (:

This piece was great!
So simple, yet the message was so deep!

The flow was great until it got to...wait...I just lost my train of thought...
Never mind. The flow was good.

Great work!
Powerful, moving poem!
Keep it up!

-GC10