Sp-lit

Sp-lit



Chapter One

The Warning






I studied my surroundings yet there was nothing to study. It was weird, hard to explain. But one thing was for sure I was alone, not a soul insight. But I wasn’t really sure, my vision was blurry. I was surrounded by nothing, just empty wasted space. Just a white streak that stretched on for miles, a never ending place of nothingness. How did I manage to get in a place were there was nothing. I hadn’t lost my memory as I could remember things such as my name, age, my mum, dad and even friends. I searched deep trying to remember how I got here, where I am. I was about to sit down, yet there wasn’t anything to sit on, no ground, like I was suspended in air. Maybe I was in a dream, but I can’t be it feels so real. I tried to ignore the blur that constantly smothered my face, but it was no use. There was nowhere to go so all I could do was: wait, think and listen. It was going to be a long day, that’s of course if they have days here, in this place.



“Mathew” whispered a voice, but it was like it was inside my head, not actually speaking to me but sending messages through my mind, somehow. I opened my eyes, not remembering if they were even shut in the first place. That’s the thing with this place. Tampers with your head making you not know what’s real and what isn’t. One thing that seemed to be working out though was that I had my vision back, but it didn’t really help that much as there wasn’t anything to see. I turned my attention back on the mysterious voice, turned around looking for anyone, anything. But again to my disappointment there was nothing. I breathed as quietly as I could, listening intently for the slightest of sounds.
“Matthew” there it was again, the same whisper inside my head. The problem was if it was speaking to me normally, I would be able to locate the source of sound. But this was different how can I locate a sound that’s inside me.

“Matthew”
“ Who ar…” I was cut of mid sentence.
“Matthew close your eyes” it whispered.
There was something about this voice, like it was the one in control, I refused to believe that an anonymous voice was in control of me – nobody controls me yet my eyes slowly but willingly closed. I waited impatiently with my eyes closed for my next instruction, annoyed that I was being told what to do by someone or something that won’t even show it self.
“Open”
The single demanding word sent shiver down my spine. And so I did. I saw a very faint shadow suspended like me in mid air, it was too far away to see any real features of it, all I could see that it was the roughly same height and build as me. That I found annoying as well. My eyes were straining, so I blinked. I jumped back in surprise when the figure stood now only centimeters away from the face. Amazing what can happen in a blink of an eye. I grinned at the cheap comment. Something seemed odd about the way the figure was dressed, even the way it looked. Something that chilled me to the bone, then it hit me. I should have seen the signs earlier, same height same build, same demanding tone. It was a he, who had black messy hair, brown eyes and a small scar just above the left eye-brow. It was me.


“No one well be prepared for the on coming slaughter. Not even you.” He whispered a sinister smile spreading across his face.
“W. What do you mea…?”
My vision started to blur again, then all went black.
I jolted up from my bed, spooked by the creepy experience. Then it all made sense, it was just a dream.
“You have been warned Matthew”
There it was again, but there was no time for that. I glanced at my alarm clock. It was time for school.


__________________________


There is evil in all of us. - Sp-lit

I studied my surroundings yet there was nothing to study. This sentence is a tad contradictory, try "I studied my surroundings, yet there was nothing to look at". It was weird, hard to explain, but one thing was for sure - I was alone, not a soul insight. But I wasn’t really sure, my vision was blurry. I was surrounded by nothing, just empty wasted space. Just a white streak that stretched on for miles, a never ending place of nothingness. How did I manage to get in a place were there was nothing. I hadn’t lost my memory as I could remember things such as my name, age, my mum, dad and even friends. I searched deep trying to remember how I got here, where I am. I was about to sit down, yet there wasn’t anything to sit on, no ground, like I was suspended in air. Maybe I was in a dream, but I [s]can’t[/s] couldn't be it [s]feels[/s] felt so real. Watch your tenses, you switch from present to past tense. I tried to ignore the blur that constantly smothered my face, but it was no use. There was nowhere to go, so all I could do was[s]:[/s] colon isn't needed wait, think and listen. It was going to be a long day, [s]that’s[/s] that is of course if they have days here, in this place.




“Matthew” whispered a voice, but it was like it was inside my head, not actually speaking to me but sending messages through my mind, somehow. I opened my eyes, not remembering if they were even shut in the first place. That’s the thing with this place. It tampers with your head, making you not know what’s real and what isn’t. One thing that seemed to be working out though was that I had my vision back, but it didn’t really help that much as there wasn’t anything to see. I turned my attention back on the mysterious voice, [s]turned around[/s] looking around for anyone, anything. (The repetition of 'turned' is awkaward) But [s]again[/s] to my disappointment there was nothing. I breathed as quietly as I could, listening intently for the slightest of sounds.

“Matthew” there it was again, the same whisper inside my head. The problem was that if it was speaking to me normally, I would be able to locate the source of sound. But this was different, how can I locate a sound that’s inside me.


“Matthew”

“ Who ar…” I was cut of mid sentence. Instead of multiple periods try a dash after ar, such as "Who ar-" It shows abruptness, while the three periods shows a person trailing off.

“Matthew close your eyes” [s]it[/s] the voice whispered.

There was something about this voice, like it was the one in control, I refused to believe that an anonymous voice was in control of me – nobody controls me Italicize "nobody controls me" and put a comma after it yet my eyes slowly but willingly closed. I waited impatiently with my eyes closed for my next instruction, annoyed that I was being told what to do by someone or something that [s]won’t[/s] wouldn't even show it self. itself is one word.

“Open”

The single demanding word sent shivers down my spine. And so I did. I saw a very faint [s]shadow[/s] figure suspended [s]like me[/s] in mid air that resembled me, it was too far away to see any real features of it, all I could see that it was the roughly same height and build as me. That I found annoying as well. Why does he find it annoying, explain. My eyes were straining, so I blinked. I jumped back in surprise when the figure stood now only centimeters away from [s]the[/s] my face. Amazing what can happen in a blink of an eye. [s]I grinned at the cheap comment.[/s] Not needed. Something seemed odd about the way the figure was dressed, even the way it looked. Something that chilled me to the bone, then it hit me. I should have seen the signs earlier, same height same build, same demanding tone. It was a [s]he, who had[/s] it was a guy with black messy hair, brown eyes and a small scar just above the left eye-brow. It was me.



“No one [s]well[/s] will be prepared for the on-coming slaughter. Not even you.” He whispered, a sinister smile spread[s]ing[/s] across his face.

“W- What do you mea…?”

My vision started to blur again, then all went black.

I jolted up from my bed, spooked by the creepy experience. [s]Then it all made sense, [/s] It was just a dream.

“You have been warned Matthew”

[s]There it was again[/s] It was that voice again, but there was no time for that. I glanced at my alarm clock. It was time for school.

Extremely good, I really liked that!

One thing to note:

Watch your tenses, you switch from present to past tense sometimes, Present = I'm doing Past = I did


Again, very good. I look forward to reading more!
-Onceuponatim3xo

Hello!

I studied my surroundings [comma] yet there was nothing to study. It was weird[s],[/s][dash] hard to explain. But one thing was for sure[colon] I was alone, not a soul in[space]sight. But I wasn’t really sure, my vision was blurry. I was surrounded by nothing, just empty wasted space. Just a white streak that stretched on for miles, a never ending place of nothingness. How did I manage to get in a place were there was nothing. [question mark] I hadn’t lost my memory as I could remember things such as my name, age, my mum, dad and even friends. I searched deep trying to remember how I got here, where I am. I was about to sit down, yet there wasn’t anything to sit on, no ground, like I was suspended in air. Maybe I was in a dream, but I can’t be it feels so real. I tried to ignore the blur that constantly smothered my face, but it was no use. There was nowhere to go so all I could do was: wait, think and listen. It was going to be a long day, that’s of course if they have days here, in this place.

This is an incredible difficult paragraph to follow. It basically says the same thing over. The character is in a white space, not touching the ground (if there was any). You could cut this down a lot. Also, be sure to read this out loud. You'll find a lot more punctuation errors that way. Trust me, this needs editing majorly.

“Mathew[comma]” whispered a voice, but it was like it was inside my head, not actually speaking to me but sending messages through my mind, somehow. [This was a run-on sentence. Chop down.] I opened my eyes, not remembering if they were even shut in the first place. That’s the thing with this place. Tampers with your head making you not know what’s real and what isn’t. One thing that seemed to be working out though was that I had my vision back, but it didn’t really help that much as there wasn’t anything to see. I turned my attention back on the mysterious voice, turned around looking for anyone, anything. But again to my disappointment there was nothing. I breathed as quietly as I could, listening intently for the slightest of sounds.

Again, this is really confusing, and I'm losing interest. I know that this is probably incredibly difficult to write, and you're doing an okay job with it. Writing about nothing is really hard.

“Matthew”
“ Who ar…” I was cut of mid sentence.
“Matthew close your eyes” it whispered.

Dude, where are your grammar rules? Some sort of punctuation MUST COME AFTER DIALOG!

"Matthew."
"Who ar--" I was cut off mid sentence.
"Matthew close your eyes," it whispered.

Please use those edits.

This can be interesting. I'm not too sure about it right now. First off, your grammar has got to be better. Take some time to go through this with a fine-toothed comb, because it needs it.

The story plot was okay, although I'm still not to sure about it.

I liked it Good creation of atmosphere! A few grammar mistakes as mentioned previously but otherwise, pretty tight! Great ending to, it's sudden impact was a really great end to finish on. Is there anything following on from this or is it just standalone? Ah wait it says chapter one, so I'm assuming there's more.

Okay, so here's the deal; I'm not going to diessect (i spelled that wrong) your every sentence. Otheres have done that enough.
But I will say that several of your sentences in your first paragraph contradict themselves. But I think that you might have tried that. I do that on purpose a lot, too. It gives the piece sort of an air of mystery. But just watch how much you do. You do NOT want to go overboard on that.
You have some trouble with differing tenses. But others have already pointed that out as well.
This piece was overall, very interesting. I'll be waiting to hear more form you!
Keep up the good work!

I liked it

It's really interesting how you connected with yourself. You're a good writer, although your piece has great potential as well. Your ideas are brilliant! But I found it confusing in the beginning. You wrote...

But one thing was for sure I was alone, not a soul insight. But I wasn’t really sure, my vision was blurry.

I would change this part and make it more definite in what your character is thinking. You stated one thing, then said another thing that was completely opposite. It doesn't make sense. I may have an idea of what you were thinking but you DO NOT want your reader always guessing. Also, I found several grammar errors. If I were you, I would have someone read over it and check for grammar errors because, as a writer, you miss a lot when reviewing your own work. (I learned this the hard way, haha)

All writers see their story one way in their head, so they know exactly what's going on. But you have to treat your audience as if they know nothing about what you're talking about. Because they KNOW NOTHING about your story when they first pick it up. You have to explain events in a way that it makes sense completely to the reader, as if they were right there in the action. You did well with this, with the exception of the beginning part.

Someone once told me that "To become an excellent writer, you must first read everything and anything." It's because you learn a lot by doing this and you can spark new ideas and expand your vocabulary to a point where great substitute words will just pop into your head. It's great advice and I know it has helped me a lot to realize what I've been missing.

Great job!! Keep on writing!

- thevoiceinside