Photos and Mementos

You are three inches tall,
smiling from the frame. One single second
that takes over many more, captured trying
to trap those feelings for all time. They may grow dusty
but are still found underneath,
printed in memory.

You are a signature,
resting on the page. A sketchy scribble,
proving you touched this sheet one time, scrawled in an instant
we wanted to remember. Ink may fade,
but the shapes are always
inscribed in my memory.

You are laughing,
a vision on the screen. A sound encoded
in the pits of DVDs, filming a moment
that we wanted to recall. An imitation
that’s so convincing I forget
it’s just a memory.

You are tokens
of assorted points in time we spent together -
thinking they would never end - securing memories,
fragile as gold leaves beaten thin, yet far more precious.
It looks like now they’re all I have
to help my memory.

You are eighteen,
the world is your red carpet ready for you
to fulfil your aspirations. Then one moment,
which I wish I could forget, stole everything and
ensures they’ll be forever dreams
of a memory.

A memory.

You are a memory.
The photos and mementos all spread out in front of me
are a lifetime:
many moments, many memories of a young man.
Immortalised at eighteen.
In my memory.

I loved this. You had some amazing imagery and a gentle repetition that worked well. The only part I didn't like was the end. Personally, I think "ensures they'll be forever dreams/of a memory." is a stronger ending than that final stanza.

Sorry I can't be more helpful than that, but you did a great job. Keep writing!

Hey!

Okay, so this was really good, but I had a little bit of an issue. Maybe it was just a me-thing, but I guess I should tell you anyway, for the betterment of the poem and all that. It reads a little bit like a school assignment, like a teacher said "Okay, write a poem directed at a thing". See what I mean? I honestly think it detracts from the whole image, which is lovely, by the way.

Happy editing!

I really like this poem and the feelings that it captures. It really reveals the grief that the narrator is feeling as he or she looks through their mementos, remembering the person who is gone.

I like your format, too, how the punctuation doesn't match up with the end of the lines. I really like that affect, but I'm not at the point where I can do it, yet, . But, it really does lend to the feelings of this poem.

They may grow dusty,

but are still found underneath,

Missing comma.

scrawled in an instant

we wanted to remember. Ink may fade,

The underlined part confuses me a little. I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say at this part. From what I can tell, you either need the word 'that' at the beginning of the second line, or something else.

You are tokens

of assorted points in time we spent together -

thinking they would never end - securing memories,

fragile as gold leaves beaten thin, yet far more precious.

This part is a bit of a run-on sentence. I'd suggest that you either end from the second hyphen, or after 'memories.' You can really see what I mean when you delete the format. You are tokens of assorted points in time we spent together --thinking they would never end -- securing memories, fragile as gold leaves beaten thin, yet far more precious.

It looks like now they’re all I have

I'm also unsure about this line, as you've already listed several things that the narrator can remember the person by.

the world is your red carpet, ready for you

to fulfill your aspirations. Then one moment,

Added comma, and a misspelling, according to Firefox spellchecker.

You are a memory.

The photos and mementos all spread out in front of me

are a lifetime: many moments,

many memories of a young man.

Immortalised at eighteen,

In my memory.

I do kind of agree with Niteowl that the ending is better with the other stanza. But, another thing that bugs me about this stanza is the format. It doesn't match with the other stanzas. I think this way, with the bold words showing the differences, looks more like the others. Also, I think that the punctuation for the second to last line could be a comma.

All in all, great poem. I loved the imagery to it, and the feeling to it. It really brings to mind the grief of losing someone.

Good luck with your poetry!

I am beyond sucking for not getting to this earlier! I am soooo sorry! Uni and then distractions and then! *stops excuses* I’ma do it now. ^^

You are three inches tall, < It’s a good start. ^^
smiling from the frame. One single second < I think I’d like something a little simpler like “just a smile in a frame” with your next line starting with “one single second”
that takes over many more, captured trying < start this with “One single second..” then I think you’d do better with a less wordy “taking over many more.” Have “Captured trying..” as your next line.
to trap those feelings for all time. They may grow dusty < “captured trying to trap those feelings” with “for all time” on the next line.
but are still found underneath, < I’d like to see this as a separate stanza, just this line. Though I’d suggest deleting “but are” and adding the next line into this one. So it’s a single line.
printed in memory.

You are a signature,
resting on the page. A sketchy scribble,
proving you touched this sheet one time, scrawled in an instant < This is way long. I think you’d do better to take out “one time” and move “scrawled in an instant” to the next line.
we wanted to remember. Ink may fade, < I don’t think you need “we wanted to remember.” but that’s just a personal thing, it’s not bad or detracting as it is. I’d move “Ink may fade” to the next line.
but the shapes are always < I’d alter this to “But the shapes are always remembered” or the like.
inscribed in my memory. < I don’t like this repetition.

You are laughing,
a vision on the screen. A sound encoded
in the pits of DVDs, filming a moment
that we wanted to recall. An imitation
that’s so convincing I forget
it’s just a memory. < I’d remove the pink section. We’re understanding your point and at this juncture you’re getting redundant slightly. – have “an imitation...” on its own line.

You are tokens
of assorted points in time we spent together - < I think you’d do well to swap the “in” here to a “of” and delete the first “of” place a full stop after “together”
thinking they would never end - securing memories, < I don’t think you need “thinking they would never end” “securing memories” is lovely, capitalise the “s”
fragile as gold leaves beaten thin, yet far more precious. < I’d remove “beaten thin” gold leaves sound rather fragile to me. Have “fragile as gold leaves” connected to “securing memories” and “yet far more precious” on its own line.
It looks like now they’re all I have < You don’t need “It looks like” I prefer it without.
to help my memory. < Same with this, it’s not necessary.

You are eighteen,
the world is your red carpet ready for you < Place “ready for you” on the next line.
to fulfil your aspirations. Then one moment, < Add “to fulfil” to the above “ready for you” and have “then one moment” on the next.
which I wish I could forget, stole everything and < Delete “which” and add to “then...” Have “stole everything” on its own line. Delete the “and”
ensures they’ll be forever dreams < use ensuring instead of “insures” and “they’d instead of “they”of a memory. <again, not needed.

A memory. < Again, not needed.

You are a memory.
The photos and mementos all spread out in front of me < Delete” all and place “in front of me” on its own line.
are a lifetime: < add this to “in front...” but delete the “are” and have it as a comma after “me”
many moments, many memories of a young man. < “many moments of a young man” will sound better here and take out the repetition.
Immortalised at eighteen.
In my memory.


Okay. So I’ve obviously just done a pretty much line for line crit for you. I hope I haven’t been too harsh. I actually really like this, the idea is sweet and it’s well written. My biggest issue is the repetition. We understand early on that it’s all about memory, the repetition after that becomes tired to me. You already have the “you are” repetition so more of it made me go “gah! I’m not silly! I understand!” We often think we have to make everything clear for the reader. It’s not always the case. Let the reader make some ideas and assumptions of their own, don’t lead them by the hand, you’re better than that. Your work is better than that. This is certainly good.

I felt the emotion in the poem and your imagery is lovely when you get to the basics. You can certainly write poetry and I'd love to see more from you. I definitely felt the emotion here. It's a sad but touching poem and I commend you on giving the reader a piece of the narrator's pain. It was very well done.

All of what I’ve mentioned is optional. But your line breaks were often a little awkward and I think that you were wordier than you had to be. It’s a beautiful poem. If you edit, please tell me. I’d love to give it another look.

Much luck.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.