A Conversation over Muffins

I know you're not supposed to give an introduction, but I feel that this piece needs one. I hope I don't offend anybody. I want to assure you that the purpose of this piece is merely to explore the traditional outlook on religion in general, not to prove a point or express something within myself. Please understand that as you read this piece. Thank you.
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They met, as always, on the footbridge over the Milky Way. They shook hands and exchanged pleasantries, commenting on the stars and the moon and steering well away from politics. But gradually the mood settled into companionable silence. Mr. Pravus nodded towards the side of the bridge and the two old friends sat side by side, their legs dangling off into the unfathomable night. The stars hushed their whispers and gathered in to listen.
Mr. Levis pointed through the darkness to the kitchen window of one Katie Weathers. "Look at this woman," he said proudly. "Raising two girls by herself. Can you imagine the bravery, Mr. Pravus?"
Mr. Pravus parted the curtain and gazed at the family breakfast scene. "Those girls are doomed to fail, Mr. Levis. See, the older one already has a tattoo. You've seen her."
"I have not," Mr. Levis said hotly. "And besides, she seems a very nice girl. You don't always have to b so negative."
"I'm the devil, Mr. Levis. It's my job to be negative."
Mr. Levis stopped. "You don't have to be," he said after a pause.
Mr. Pravus shook his head and gazed longingly at the distant earth. "Do you know what would happen if there was no devil?"
"The earth would become an Eden again. There would be no sorrow, no anger, no death. Peace would last forever. You don't have to be the devil, Mr. Pravus."
"Oh, but I do," Mr. Pravus murmured. "Without grief, how can we truly appreciate happiness? Without hatred, it is not possible to love without holding back. You of all people must understand this tangle, Mr Levis."
"Yes. I suppose I do."
"Here. I brought muffins. Cinnamon chip. I know you like sugary treats."
For a time, they were silent. Each man ate his muffin slowly, savoring the texture and the sweetness. Mr. Levis finished first. "Why do you suppose we eat, Mr. Pravus?"
"Because food tastes, good, I imagine," Mr. Pravus said, contemplating the last bite of his muffin. "I'm full. Would you like the last bite, friend?"
"No, thanks. I'm quite full. Thank you."
Mr. Pravus tossed the morsel off the edge of the bridge. It spun away, lost in the currents of the Milky Way river. Both men watched it spiral away until it vanished among the endless darkness of the night. "I'm glad you and I are friends, Mr. Levis," Mr Pravus said sincerely.
Mr. Levis did not respond for quite some time. Instead he stared down at the earth, his brow furrowed, his lips pursed. "Who do you suppose I am, Mr. Pravus?"
"Why, you're God, of course." Mr. Pravus shrugged as if this were the simplest thing in the world.
"How can I be? I tempted you into being good, when that would have condemned the people of Earth to a half-life, a gray existence." He paused and scratched his forehead. "Should I join you, then? Surely more evil in the world would mean more good in it."
Mr. Pravus shook his head slowly, his eyes vacant. "Not so, Mr. Levis. I don't claim to understand it completely, but it's a delicate balance, good and evil. It's about deciding which shade of gray is best in each situation. Some shades are rarely good choices. Murder is one of the least acceptible shades of gray, in my opinion."
Mr. Levis nodded, but he did not look convinced. "Do you suppose someone made up the whole good-versus-evil dicotemy to keep you and I on opposite terms?"
Mr. Pravus actually laughed, hi head back and one hand on his stomach. "And who could have made that up, Mr. Levis, besides you or I?" He paused for a very long time. "Mr. Levis, do you think could be God and you the devil?"
"I suppose," Mr. Levis said hesitantly. "But my name means 'light'. Yours means 'evil."
"Good and evil are complicated," Mr. Pravus said matter-of-factly. "Perhaps God is evil and the devil is good."
"Mr. Levis shifted uncomfortably on the bridge. "That's Satanism."
"I'm not Christian," Mr. Pravus said irritably.
Mr. Levis huffed and fell silent. " Time passed. The stars waltzed above the two men and the Milky Way eddied beneath them. Katie Weathers, the single woman with two daughters, died in a car crash. Her daughters grieved together, their tears mixing and their hands grasping for purchase in the slipping soil of their lives.
"Well," Mr. Pravus said with finality. "I enjoyed our chat, Mr. Levis. I hope to see you soon."
The two men shook hands and left. It was only after a few paces that they stopped and turned back. Each looked up and then down, as if they were unsure whether to head for heaven of hell. Laughing, they sat together on the footbridge, legs dangling off into nothingness.
"Muffin, Mr. Levis?" said Mr. Pravus.
"Why thank you, Mr. Pravus."
"Do you like them?"
God and the devil dines together, and neither knew for certain which of the two he was.

Hey again careless! Here's my review, same critique key as always!

carelessaussie13 wrote:I know you're not supposed to give an introduction, but I feel that this piece needs one. I hope I don't offend anybody. I want to assure you that the purpose of this piece is merely to explore the traditional outlook on religion in general, not to prove a point or express something within myself. Please understand that as you read this piece. Thank you.
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They met, [s]as always[/s], on the footbridge over the Milky Way. They shook hands and exchanged pleasantries, commenting on the stars and the moon and steering well away from politics. But gradually the mood settled into companionable silence. Mr. Pravus nodded towards the side of the bridge and the two old friends sat side by side, their legs dangling off into the unfathomable night. The stars hushed their whispers and gathered in to listen. I liked the stars personification. It was really pretty!
Mr. Levis pointed through the darkness to the kitchen window of one Katie Weathers. "Look at this woman," he said proudly. "Raising two girls by herself. Can you imagine the bravery, Mr. Pravus?"
Mr. Pravus parted the curtain and gazed at the family breakfast scene. "Those girls are doomed to fail, Mr. Levis. See, the older one already has a tattoo. You've seen her." Wait, how did he part the curtain if they're sitting on a bridge somewhere? that didn't sound very believable unless he has some sort of x ray vision kind of power
"I have not," Mr. Levis said hotly. "And besides, she seems a very nice girl. You don't always have to b so negative."
"I'm the devil, Mr. Levis. It's my job to be negative."
Mr. Levis stopped. "You don't have to be," he said after a pause.
Mr. Pravus shook his head and gazed longingly at the distant earth. "Do you know what would happen if there was no devil?"
"The earth would become an Eden again. There would be no sorrow, no anger, no death. Peace would last forever. You don't have to be the devil, Mr. Pravus."
"Oh, but I do," Mr. Pravus murmured. "Without grief, how can we truly appreciate happiness? Without hatred, it is [s]not[/s] impossible to love without holding back. You of all people must understand this tangle, Mr Levis."
"Yes. I suppose I do."
"Here. I brought muffins. Cinnamon chip. I know you like sugary treats."
For a time, they were silent. Each man ate his muffin slowly, savoring the texture and the sweetness. Mr. Levis finished first. "Why do you suppose we eat, Mr. Pravus?"
"Because food tastes, good, I imagine," Mr. Pravus said, contemplating the last bite of his muffin. "I'm full. Would you like the last bite, friend?"
"No, thanks. I'm quite full. Thank you."
Mr. Pravus tossed the morsel off the edge of the bridge. It spun away, lost in the currents of the Milky Way river. Both men watched it spiral [s]away[/s] until it vanished among the endless darkness of the night. "I'm glad you and I are friends, Mr. Levis," Mr Pravus said sincerely.
Mr. Levis did not respond for quite some time. Instead he stared down at the earth, his brow furrowed, his lips pursed. "Who do you suppose I am, Mr. Pravus?" Okay, it took me a while to understand that they weren't on earth. You might want to make that a bit more clear in the opening. Maybe say their feet dangled amoung the stars, floating in space or something
"Why, you're God, of course." Mr. Pravus shrugged as if this were the simplest thing in the world.
"How can I be? I tempted you into being good, when that would have condemned the people of Earth to a half-life, a gray existence." He Who? be specific: does pravus say this or levis? paused and scratched his forehead. "Should I join you, then? Surely more evil in the world would mean more good in it."
Mr. Pravus shook his head slowly, his eyes vacant. "Not so, Mr. Levis. I don't claim to understand it completely, but it's a delicate balance, good and evil. It's about deciding which shade of gray is best in each situation. Some shades are rarely good choices. Murder is one of the least acceptible shades of gray, in my opinion."
Mr. Levis nodded, but he did not look convinced. "Do you suppose someone made up the whole good-versus-evil dicotemy to keep you and I on opposite terms?"
Mr. Pravus actually laughed, his head back and one hand on his stomach. "And who could have made that up, Mr. Levis, besides you or I?" He paused for a very long time. "Mr. Levis, do you think I could be God and you could be the devil Parallelism ?"
"I suppose," Mr. Levis said hesitantly. "But my name means 'light'. Yours means 'evil."
"Good and evil are complicated," Mr. Pravus said matter-of-factly. "Perhaps God is evil and the devil is good."
"Mr. Levis shifted uncomfortably on the bridge. "That's Satanism."
"I'm not Christian," Mr. Pravus said irritably.
Mr. Levis huffed and fell silent. " Time passed. The stars waltzed above the two men and the Milky Way eddied beneath them. Katie Weathers, the single woman with two daughters, died in a car crash. Her daughters grieved together, their tears mixing and their hands grasping for purchase in the slipping soil of their lives. Okay, this part about Katie Weather felt a bit unnecessary/ unexpected. Maybe have them look down and observe katie, talk about her and everything. I would actually take the part where you're talking about katie earlier and insert it down here so you have a Katie fest and so the introduction of her death doesn't seem so random
"Well," Mr. Pravus said with finality. "I enjoyed our chat, Mr. Levis. I hope to see you soon."
The two men shook hands and left. It was only after a few paces that they stopped and turned back. Each looked up and then down, as if they were unsure whether to head for heaven of hell. Laughing, they sat together on the footbridge, legs dangling off into nothingness.
"Muffin, Mr. Levis?" said Mr. Pravus.
"Why thank you, Mr. Pravus."
"Do you like them?"
God and the devil dines together, and neither knew for certain which of the two he was.

I liked it! This was a very interesting piece! I liked your characters and the dialogue was very entertaining. Here are a few extra suggestions:

Katie, dear Katie: Okay, why even mention Katie if you don't even use her later in the story. I thought her soul was suddenly going to come up after she died and then god and the devil would decide where she would go/not go or completely confuse her and she would return to earth or something. Katie didn't really seem to have any relevance to your situation/plot so you have two options: 1) Take out her character completely or 2) Write more about her. You didn't have enough so I don't think it's wise for you to leave her story at her death. It was too random and too unexpected and afterwards, neither of your MCs make any reference to her. At least have them talk about her or something like I said above.

Rushing Water: The plot and the dialogue felt a little rushed. Slow down. Show us everything. Show us how they interact. DOn't have them just jump into the evil v. good idea have them segue into it. Have them inspect other people on earth. Mix it up, make it more interesting and then get into the philosophical stuff. It kind of all just hits you and then disappears. I would like to see more action, more plot movement, at a slower rate.

Other than that, well done! I liked your witty comments and I loved the ending lines! If you have any questions, PM me!

Okay, I thought for a long while that they were sitting in a cafe and talking. I know you said they met above the Milky Way, but that didn't make it sound as if they were actually there. It came across to me as a figure of speech or something. I would make it clearer earlier.

I don't know the point of Katie Weathers. Flesh her out a little bit. Don't just have them randomly look in on her and then have her die later. It has no significance. The only thing it brought on was a few comments from the two men.

The thing, in the actual words and style of writing was your adverbs. Jeez, there's an adverb after almost every single dialogue tag. And there's a dialogue tag on almost every single line of dialogue. A lot of your adverbs were unnecessary and weighed down sentences. Go through and keep adverbs that don't sound forced or awkward.

I loved the very "Let's sit down and have muffins and chat" feel there was for two such important figures. Making God and Satan human beings brought religion to a different level, one that most people can't fathom. I liked that about this. Having two men talking is something we all can relate to, something we all understand--even if we don't understand God and Satan most of the time.

Well done!

Hi, new to the forum but your writing is very good. I enjoyed the scenario that you created. I also like the idea with "which one is the bad guy?" I think that you could make it a little more specific when you paint the picture in outter space. I was a little confused. Also, I think that if you ever decided to expand the story you could add more about the woman that they are watching. I do like the idea that it doesn't really matter what is going on on Earth to the two of them as they watch something so tragic and don't care. Also..I like muffins haha. It makes God and the devil seem very close to us in that they are enjoying delicious food. ^_^

Hi - my turn to review!

Contrary to all the others here, I feel that the insignificance of Katie was brilliant, and the way she so point-blank died and moved on without a trace sort of echoes the way God/The Devil must look at us: able to pick us out, but wholly insignificant. First quote of the day, then:

Katie Weathers, the single woman with two daughters, died in a car crash. Her daughters grieved together, their tears mixing and their hands grasping for purchase in the slipping soil of their lives.

I love the phrase "the slipping soil of their lives", because it really puts across how viciously time will move on without us. But to really get across what (I think? *laughs*) you may have been trying to say here is to cut out 'the single woman with two daughters' part. Let her die without even acknowledging that the reader knows who she is - it'd make that part even more powerful, and fit in with the 'slipping soil' theme. Time would move on without batting an eyelid, without acknowledging her existence. So: Katie Weathers died in a car crash. Her daughters grieved together, their tears mixing and their hands grasping for purchase in the slipping soil of their lives.

I also liked the way that a lot of it was conversation based, and then you would perodically tumble off into a stream of adverbs, adjectives and the like. It was beautiful. My favourite line was this:

The stars hushed their whispers and gathered in to listen.

It made me happy

The one thing I want to ask, though, is this: why aren't they just called Mr. God and Mr. Satan, or Mr. Michael and Mr. Lucifer? The names... I don't know, but that's what stopped me from really appreciating the piece. It was like they were just two men who *happened* to be super-natural. It achieved what you wanted it to - it allowed us to relate, made them both seem just like us (especially as a lot of the piece was based 'round the muffins)... but there was no sense of their power, or godliness. It made them seem almost too human... hence the review up there with the:

Wait, how did he part the curtain if they're sitting on a bridge somewhere? that didn't sound very believable unless he has some sort of x ray vision kind of power.

That made me happy, too. xD

Finally, you know your opening line? The:

They met, as always, on the footbridge over the Milky Way.

I disagree with everyone - I think that when you get into it, you begin to understand what you meant here. Cependent (big fan of the French language ^_^ ), if you kept bringing that in throughout the poem, anchoring us back to "that bridge over the Milky Way", it would help others to understand, and also make the story... I dunno. Somewhat more endearing, or even poetic. It would make them seem as fragile, emotionally, as we are.

Anyway! End of pointlessly long review. Oh, wait, sorry - one last thing, forgive me. But I've figured out the origin of all the space junk that batters ours space probes and destroys our rockets:

Mr. Pravus tossed the morsel off the edge of the bridge. It spun away, lost in the currents of the Milky Way river. Both men watched it spiral away until it vanished among the endless darkness of the night.

PFF! And then they start blaming us for bloomin' global warming!