By Sun, By Moon - Prologue • Young Writers Society

KJ · 2008-06-16T15:05:45Z

Edited as of 6-22-09. Wow, it's been a long time since I've worked on this! I've only just now started to get a passion for it again. Weird, huh? Anyway, those of you who read previous drafts let me know if it's an improvement, and those of you who are just reading it... tear it apart :) Prologue January 17, 2008 Mackenzie Valley Judgment The eyes of my family bored into my back, and I hunched my shoulders as a meek defense against them. The Pack surrounded me, silent and calculating. Their features—some snarling, some cold, others anguished—were alighted by the circle of torches. The woods surrounding us were dark and disconcertingly silent. The creatures knew of our presence and feared it, as they should. Mark stood above me, beautiful and cold, on the Stone. His eyes shone yellow, and he had exchanged his human teeth for his menacing fangs. I met his stare, hating and defying his soundless condescension. But, after a long moment, I was the one to drop my gaze. Hoping for some kind of help, I glanced at my father. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” Uncle Richard bellowed at me, breaking the quiet at last. His words sliced through the air like the downward stroke of a knife. For a moment he said nothing else, and I realized that they were waiting for me to speak. “I was… wrong to leave Mackenzie,” I muttered through my teeth. “To go to them… and I’m sorry.” “Wrong to leave, were you?” my uncle hissed. Fur was sprouting all over his body as he spoke. “ Wrong to leave? You’ve destroyed us! The humans are already here, sniffing around! All that we’ve worked for, all that we had—” “Enough, Richard,” Mark said sharply. Richard turned his glare on him. “Shut your mouth, pup. She deserves what she gets, and more. Judgment must be issued.” Mark snarled, and my uncle cringed. I took a step back as Mark jumped off the Stone. He brushed past me, and I held my breath against the scent that touched my nose: smells of the forest, of wind, of sex. I tried to ignore the stirrings within my chest, tried to pretend it was only hatred and disgust. My uncle dared to speak again, though Mark stood by my side. “You know what’s she’s done. Others who have done less than her were executed. You know—” Mark member leaped through the air, wearing his pelt before he hit the ground. There was no great flash, no sound or obvious indication of what had just transpired. One moment there was a dark young man in the air, and then the next a black wolf towered over Richard. My uncle was less skilled in his change, and he stumbled back on a root, tumbling to the hard ground. Mark jumped on him, and Richard cried out in fear. The Pack merely watched and did not offer assistance. Events like this were never interfered; status was something sacred and only decided between two wolves. The exception to this was if a new leader was to be elected; then every male in the Pack would fight. “Do you challenge me?” Mark asked Uncle Richard in a deep, gravelly voice, his paws on each side of his head. While Mark was not the leader—the Pack had no definite leader yet, since our last Alpha died a month ago and we had to wait until the next full moon to elect a new one—he was above my uncle. The older man, scowling, eyes full of fear, shook his head. As he was already laying on his back, my uncle merely lifted up his paws, changing completely to present his belly. Satisfied by the sign of submission, Mark backed off. He did not bother changing back to his human form. Instead, he sat down next to Derrick and resumed staring at me. I scowled. “I don’t need your protection,” I told him. I was deliberately shaming him before everyone. He did not react. Those yellow eyes only continued to delve into mine, knowing and gentle. I didn’t want him; I didn’t need him. But you do , a quiet voice in my head whispered. Denying it, I presented my back to Mark and faced my cousins. Their faces alone told me that most were not willing to compromise. I did not know what else I could say. Promises were never made in the Pack, because they were considered ineffectual and unneeded. I had nothing to offer. Uncle Richard, now standing once more and human, did not dare speak again, but a vein bulged in his red forehead. My father was beside Uncle Richard. I looked pleadingly at him. He sighed, raking a hand through his gray hair. “Gen, I…” He looked away. I bit my lip. Even he could not bear the sight of me. “In one thing Richard is right: Judgment must be passed,” my aunt Cornelia said. She’d been off to the side, silent until now. I resisted growing my own fangs and claws, and throwing myself at her. I had to try one last time. “These humans are different. Please, just listen—” “We are done listening, Genny,” my aunt interrupted, the hard lines of her face deepening. “You’ve ignored all the warnings, blatantly disregarded our Laws, and have endangered us all with your folly. Enough.” I would not beg. I shut my mouth, glaring at her. Instinct urged me to look at my father again, to plead with him to save me, his only daughter, his only family. But I knew he would not. He was not a hero, least of all mine. The humans around me straightened, and the atmosphere intensified. It was coming: the vote. Three choices. Three options. Tense, I could only stand wait. My aunt was the one to lead the vote, and I was not surprised. “Those in favor of banishment?” she called, raising her hand towards the round orb of the moon. Pelts were appearing everywhere, and soon Pack, not family, was around me. Pendants glowed like small stars on their chests, in colors of red, green, blue, and white. I remained as I was. Several howls rose and fell quickly. “Those in favor of forgiveness?” she continued. My stomach clenched when there were only a few cries from the Pack. Then came the last, the final judgment. And from the wolves that were still waiting to cast their vote, I already knew my fate. “Those in favor of death.” I gazed at my feet, blinking back tears. The Pack’s baying rose to the moon, bloodthirsty and anticipating. I hummed to myself to stop my ears from defining whose howls could be heard. I could identify many, if I so chose. But I didn’t want to know. Aunt Cornelia lowered her hand. “Judgment has been passed,” she announced. The entire Pack, as was tradition, howled in unison after the words had been uttered. Some howled in grief, some in tribulation, some in exaltation. My aunt made her own calls with the last. Then came a moment of silence. No one would look at me; I was a Shamed One. An outcast, a traitor. No longer part of the Pack. My aunt, a trace of a satisfied smile on her wrinkled face, finally turned to me. She regarded me with her faded blue eyes. “Tomorrow night, when the full moon rises,” she whispered. “Genny Soren will be put to death on the Stone.” I did not plead for mercy, as part of me wanted to. Instead, I straightened my spine and glared at her. My white pendant began to glow, warm and light against my skin. But I resisted the Calling. The wolves around me knew it, and many growled at my defiance. “You are no relation of mine,” Cornelia told me in a hard voice. I lifted my chin. “You never were a relation of mine,” I said, just as cold. “And I hope your pelt rots in the sun.” The old woman stiffened, and the Pack whispered amongst each other now in low, shocked tones. “Your death will be long and painful!” she shouted, eyes bulging. “You will not die on the Stone, as have other wolves. You will die in shame. We will go back to the ruins tomorrow, where this human destroyed us!” The howls rose again, and I closed my eyes.

Todge

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Wed Dec 10, 2008 3:03 am

Todge says... · Wed Dec 10, 2008 3:03 am

KJ wrote: I met his stare, hating and defying his silent condescension. But, after a long moment, I was the one to drop my gaze.

is it correct to start a sentence with 'But'? I don't think it is however I could be wrong.

However putting that aside that was amazing. It introduced you to the story very well however did not give too much away and burden the reader with information, it had the exact right amount of information and progression through the story. I will definitely make an effort the read through the rest of it after I have caught up on some sleep after handing in my college project.

A very enjoyable read

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KJ

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Mon Jun 22, 2009 11:59 pm

KJ says... · Mon Jun 22, 2009 11:59 pm

*EDITED* Wow, it's been a long time since I've worked on this! I've only just now starte dto get a passion for it again. Weird, huh?

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Karsten

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Tue Jun 23, 2009 3:44 pm

Karsten says... · Tue Jun 23, 2009 3:44 pm

Hi KJ,

This was readable. You picked a good dramatic scene to start with, and I liked the fact that the worst possible outcome is the one that actually happened. I'm getting the strong impression that the Mark character will save the narrator from being killed, in which case the plot is a little predictable and maybe too heavily foreshadowed in this prologue. If not, ignore that.

My key problem with this piece was not being engaged with any of the characters. It felt like a lot of characters were introduced in a short space, and many of them were just throwaways: Derrick is just a name, Cornelia feels like a generic antagonist to me, the father was weak. Mark and Richard came across to me as puffed-up cockerels comparing the size of their, uh, whatever cockerels compare the size of. I wanted to tell them to get a ruler out already and end the argument once and for all.

Conversely, I quite liked the narrator's jaded thoughts about how her father wasn't a hero, least of all hers, and her courage in facing her own death. But I think her characterisation still needs another layer. Here are examples of places you could still work on:

* You don't need to explain directly to the reader that the narrator is fooling herself about not needing Mark. It'd be just as obvious and, imo, more elegant if she just turned her back on him telling herself she didn't need him.

* Ditto for her reaction to the family's eyes boring into her in the first sentence. Her family are hating on her, she hunches her shoulders. End of sentence. Emotion shown, not told. (A rule of thumb I learned from a smart person is RUE - Resist the Urge to Explain.)

* Her emotional reaction to her father not helping her is delayed, to the point where I couldn't quite follow the emotional journey that she went through. Remember to keep cause and effect together and flowing logically. She looks to her dad to protect her, but because he cops out, now she knows he's not a hero. It's these because-s that need to be in place.

I don't want to knock on her characterisation too much, because I enjoyed the edge that she has, but you can still take her up another level.

Not knowing what she actually did is hurting the story for me, I think. I can't tell whether the narrator is a moron who screwed up and is getting her just desserts, or a freedom-fighting iconoclast who's about to die for flouting tradition, or ... something else. This would really help me understand her. Nor can I tell whether the other characters are all as generically evil as they seem, or whether they actually have a reason for sentencing the narrator to death.

The pack voting ritual with the howling was interesting and atmospheric. The only part that bugged me is that I can't understand how a werewolf pack, which is apparently led by whoever is biggest and scariest and most heavily muscled, has democratic voting rituals. Especially since a few lines earlier the Mark and Richard characters settled a dispute with a Dark Ages-esque physical dominance challenge. These elements of the world-building aren't matching up very well for me. I'm struggling to understand the culture here.

Story has good bones, potentially going somewhere interesting, still needs a little smoothing over.

Karsten

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christine

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Tue Jun 30, 2009 1:08 pm

christine says... · Tue Jun 30, 2009 1:08 pm

great job, i was feeling really sorry for her and was pretty much like "no why! give her a chance" and such which is really good. i felt like i was there, with the way you described everything, and i felt like i was actually the one being put to death.

well done

christine (slightly weird, but normal otherwise)

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MAri0O07

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Tue Jun 30, 2009 4:53 pm

MAri0O07 says... · Tue Jun 30, 2009 4:53 pm

Hi KJ,

i really enjoyed your prologue it gave me a sense of the love hate relationship between both Pack mate towards Pack mate and human towards wolf.

You told us the setting emphasizing on the date which is a modern date, yet the humans are surrounding the pack with torches..... seems a little old school

All in all it was great writing and I am looking forward to reading all your work and hopefully some gruesome fight scenes

LIVE, LOVE, AND WRITE
to express your self is not weird its natural and, in my opinion, AWESOME!!!!

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By Sun, By Moon - Prologue

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