[part three]
What is it, I don't remember
Made my being so much better
If I could have just one pure thought
- One Pure Thought, Hot Chip
*
[049, New Year]
New Year's Eve. We had avoided each other all night. I stood outside, removed from the sprawling party, biting at the air, trying to stay calm. Inside, music was pumping so loudly it was making the walls shake. Inside, it was hot and sweaty and loud like good parties should be. Inside, people were excited and drunken, like people at parties should be, like I should have been. Instead I was cold and tired and the vodka I drank served only to cloud my head.
In my mind ran the lyrics of a song that had been played too loudly in the car on the drive to the crumbling, dying mansion where the secret (only 500 people invited!) party was being held. The words jumbled around in my head, scrambling over each other to be heard correctly. I couldn't quite grasp them, couldn't hear them clearly enough, everything was distorted.
I leaned back against the wall, rubbed the back of my neck with both hands, tried to steady myself by squeezing my eyes tight shut. Tried to remember the words. Got more and more frustrated. Took a Camel Light out of my worn leather bag, placed it between my lips. Searched my bag for my lighter. Make up, leaflets for clubs, hip flask, more make up, phone, necklace - no lighter. No fucking lighter.
You appeared in front of me. How had you known I was here? As I had slipped out, you had been attempting to climb atop a human pyramid. You must have asked someone, must have actively searched. Or maybe you had been watching me, as I had been watching you. I felt my heart sink. You sparked a flame. I bent to catch it with my cigarette, concentrating on looking at the orange light, not at you. You cupped your hands around the precious, flickering little fire and our fingertips brushed. Your palms were flecked with silver and gold. I imagined a special New Year's canvas, hanging in your room. Fuck, I'm going to faint, I thought. Don't be so bloody dramatic, a lonely voice of reason responded. I fell back against the wall. You lit a cigarette also and leaned against the wall beside me. We smoked in silence.
My heart was beating so fast it was making me dizzy and lightheaded - or maybe that was the vodka, or probably it was a mixture of both. I barely wanted the cigarette now, it was making me nauseous. My hands shook. The silence had gone on so long that I didn't dare break it. I was worried whatever I said would sound loud and ridiculous, would shatter the nervous calm between us too violently.
Questions spun around in my head, jumbling in with the words to the song: Where's his girlfriend? If I could have... What is he doing here, beside me? I got some lost damn feeling What does he want? I won't be on my way, I won't be on my way Why do I feel so fucking sick? ...just one pure thought. I had those heavy nerves in the base of my stomach that one associates with exams and meeting distant relatives.
I slowly became aware that you had finished your cigarette, had turned to look at me. I looked the other way. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, I commanded myself. Someone was shouting "Ten - Nine - Eight - Sev-". Interrupted by wild laughter. "It's only half eleven!" screamed a girl's voice. Someone else shouted "Ah ya fuckin eeeeee-jit Manto!". Laughter.
Smiling slightly I turned to look at you. Automatic. Once we locked eyes, kissing you was automatic. Flung against each other. The wall scratching my skin. Your body seemed to burn against mine. I bit your lip. You kissed me so hard I gasped. You pulled away and I saw in your eyes you were angry.
"You just left", you hissed, stepping back.
I pushed myself close to you. I expected you to move away. You stayed still, clenching and unclenching your fists. I had to crane my neck to look you in your eyes. How did your eyes always change colour, I wondered. Tonight they looked green, dark and flecked with gold. You'd do anything to be with him, a voice chanted in my ear. I felt my anger flare.
"Like it bothered you! You moved on fairly quickly."
"Fuck that! You left. You were too scared and you ran away. I chased you and I chased you, you gave fuck all back, and then you disappeared."
"And you left it what- a day? An hour? Before you started riding another girl?" Now I was half-shouting. My voice shook with anger, anger at being hurt, anger at still wanting your touch. I wanted to scream, I hate you. I wanted to scream, I miss you. I wanted to scream anything at all. Instead I just moved so close I could feel your breath and grabbed your hands. You pushed your forehead hard against mine.
"Let go of my hands," you whispered, "Please let go."
"Why would I do that?
"You know. You know. Girlfriend...I have a girlfriend."
"Then you let go. You have the ties, not me. You let go."
I knew you couldn't. We were almost twirling now, your fingers wrapped tight around mine. You kissed me again. Gently at first, then harder, harder, but this time I was prepared. My hands scrambled at your back, your neck, I pulled off your hat and flung it away, I ran my hands through your hair over and over again, grabbing at it, pulling it. Your hands kept me pulled tight to you, our bodies banging off each other.
And then, as suddenly as it had started -"I'm sorry. I can't." - and you disappeared into the blanket of the night. No more energy to call you back. I who had been so full of everything a moment before - lust, passion, fury - now felt entirely numb. I felt removed from it all, as if I had been watching another girl kiss a boy, as if I had seen another girl get left alone in the dark.
Far away, on another planet, the countdown began. "Three - Two ....ONE!" Shouting, laughing, screaming. I felt in my pocket. My lighter. Sparked another cigarette. My phone went off, I picked it out idly from my bag. Winced when I saw your name. Opened the text - "Happy New Year, babe". Babe. Wanker, I thought. Fucking wanker. But the anger was forced, someone else was angry, not me. I was too tired for anger, for anything. I sat on the ground, pulled my knees up to my chest and waited for the energy to cry.
You write really well!