Happy Father's Day

You said you'd teach me how to dance,
but you did much better than that
and taught me how to laugh,
with your cha cha cha, oh you looked daft!
With that goofy grin across your gorilla face
as you waltzed around and taught me my place.

You said you'd take us kids for the day,
to the golf course, to lunch, to 'out a tha way'
and the balls we hit didn't fly too far
but you taught me that driving requires no car.

I remember the days you'd come home more black
than we could ever get in the garden.
You'd wash your hands in the kitchen sink,
climb the stairs and in a blink
of our eyes you'd be asleep while still light
And we'd barely see you each day and each night.

When I think of those times and how I'd ever repay
you for the memories that won't go away.
Well here's a start, here's chocolate and the good old rose
and here's some words for you, dad: Happy Father's Day.
______________________

One of those soppy, silly poems that I seem to feel the need to write but will never reveal to the intended reader's eyes.

Eep, well it's going to be odd critiquing an epic novelist, considering how low I am on the YWS food chain.

But on to the poem...

Well it's not bad, but it's not great either. I don't know how much experience you have with rhyme, but there were some rhymes in there that I felt really didn't work, but I'll break it down stanza by stanza.

You said you'd teach me how to dance,
but you did much better than that
and taught me how to laugh,
with your cha cha cha, oh you looked daft!
With that goofy grin across your gorilla face
as you walzted around and taught me my place.

The third and fourth lines sound awkward to me. Mainly because I feel there are too many syllables in the fourth line. To me, rhyming and rhythm have to coexist in perfect harmony if you want to draw up a rhyming poem.

The fifth and sixth lines were a bit better, but you had one word in there that I didn't think fit very well. The "as" in the beginning of the sixth line. Right now it's "With that goofy grin across your gorilla face as you waltzed around and taught me my place". I think it would flow much better as "With that goofy grin across your gorilla face you waltzed around and taught me my place". I do like referring to your father;s face as being similar to a gorilla, that's pretty clever to me.

You said you'd take us kids for the day,
to the golf course, to lunch, to 'out a tha way'
and the balls we hit didn't fly too far
but you taught me that driving requires no car.

Overall I liked this stanza, and there's nothing screaming out there that says "Obvious mistake!"

I remember the days you'd come home more black
than we could ever get in the garden.
You'd wash your hands in the kitchen sink,
climb the stairs and in a blink
of our eyes you'd be asleep while still light
And we'd barely see you each day and each night.

To me, the rhyme in the fifth in sixth lines is a bit forced to me. I'd consider editing this. Unfortunately I have no suggestions

When I think of those times and how I'd ever repay
you for the memories that won't go away.
Well here's a start, here's chocolate and the good old rose
and here's some words for you, dad: Happy Father's Day.

You fell of your rhyme scheme, which was up until this point very consistent.

My only suggestion is to rethink some rhymes or write this entirely in prose and focus on rhythm and a bit more imagery.

Here, kitty kitty kitty! Haha. Ringo, you are not low in the YWS food chain, which doesn't actually even exist. You're the one and only Ringo, and no one can beat you at that!

Okay, to the poem.

You said you'd teach me how to dance,

but you did much better than that

and taught me how to laugh,

with your cha cha cha, oh you looked daft!

The third line is confusing and thus it makes the whole stanza a little odd. Are you maybe trying to hit this:

"You said you'd teach me how to dance,

but you did much better/more than that:

You taught me how to laugh

with your cha cha cha – oh, you looked daft!"

You could maybe change it to something like this.

walzted

I believe you meant "waltzed".

The second stanza is okay, I don't spot any major mistakes.

The third stanza doesn't really flow too well. Maybe you should read it out loud, and listen to it carefully – which lines sound too long, which ones too short?

The idea of the fourth stanza is cute, but it sounds a little peculiar. Perhaps some re-wording and re-lining would be good for it?

Hope I was of any help at all.


See you,
Demeter xx

Vogon:

I think this might work better without a rhyme scheme. I know it's just supposed to be "fluff" like and all, but the rhymes didn't really work. I've read some of your other poems, and they were good, but this fell a little flat. (Maybe I'm not getting the threadle of it?)

If you smooth out the rhymes it would flow better.

You said you'd teach me how to dance,

but you did much better than that

and taught me how to laugh,

with your cha cha cha, oh you looked daft!

That, the fourth line, it feels rather childish. I don't know, is that the whole point? But things like that line just detract from it.

Sorry, I don't mean this to be harsh and it might just be personal preference and all, but it just didn't work in my book. That probally is just me.

Ringo - Thanks for reading it and trust me, there's no YWS food chain, some of us have just been around a little longer than others. You're right, the rhyme is hopelessly out because there isn't a standard rhythm.

Demeter - Thanks for catching the typo and thank you for the critique, you've got some nice suggestions.

Twitters - Be as harsh as you like, though you're right: it's nothing compared to my serious poetry, it's just a piece of fluff. Perhaps I'll be able to change that when I've got more time.

I quite liked this, Kit. I liked the little portraits you made of your dad. As usual, I hope you'll excuse my playing with this;

(I've played with line endings-what I've done isn't perfect, as you'll see just by glancing at it, but it's more in line with how I wanted to read this.)


"You said you'd teach me how to dance, (This is a great opening line)
but you did much better than that
and taught me how to laugh,
with your cha cha cha,
oh you looked daft! (Lovely.)
With that goofy grin across
your gorilla face (This is a great image.)
as you waltzed around and
taught me my place. (In this last line the rhyme sounds forced.)

You said you'd take us kids
out for the day,
to the golf course, to lunch,
to 'out a tha way'
and the balls we hit
didn't fly too far
[s]but you taught me that driving
requires no car. [/s] (Maybe this is some driving-range/golf reference which I don't get, which is very likely. If it is, then please ignore me, if not, I'd look at the forced rhyming.)

I remember the days
you'd come home more black
than we could ever get in the garden. (This reads a little jerkily. Maybe try rephrasing it.)
You'd wash your hands
in the kitchen sink,
climb the stairs
and in a blink (This and the following line are a tad forced and weak.)
of our eyes
you'd be asleep
while still light
And we'd barely see you
each day and each night. (I'd stop trying to wrap stanzas up with rhyming couplets in this poem as I think it takes from the poem.)

When I think of those times
and how I'd ever repay
you for the memories that
won't go away.
Well here's a start, here's chocolate
and the good old rose
and here's some words for you, dad:
Happy Father's Day. " (Ok...this last stanza is too sweet for my taste, but you know how I get, so I'll comment no further on this part!)

I'd try rewriting this without the rhyme. Your rhyming sometimes limits you. Your imagery and detail are great, and you gave a lovely picture of your dad.

Hope this helps.

Jas