Bending Over Backwards

While all the other kids were outside running around, or riding roller coasters and water slides, or tanning on the beach, I was in this stuffy classroom, going over science facts I learned just a few months ago.

No, I don't get horrible grades. No, I'm not a complete idiot. No, I'm not a stoner. Yes, I do care. Yes, I can do better. And yes, it's a friend's fault.

Science was the only subject I failed. I was nabbing high 80s and low 90s all year in class, but the exam sucked. For an end-of-the-year prank, Richie brought in a fart machine and was setting it off through out the whole exam. I could barely concentrate.

I scored a 64 on that exam. One point below passing.

I have to admit it though, it was a good prank. No, it was a great prank. Great enough to make Elizabeth Howard, the class genius, to score low. Well, low for her. She ended up scoring an 81. At least she passed.

It lasted for a long time, Richie's prank, but he was caught by Mrs. Nemoa, the test administrator, with only 5 minutes left. It was already too late for me to fix any mistakes.

Richie gets a week of detention, starting the first day of 8th grade. Not to mention all the freshman shoving him around the neighborhood. The class ahead of us doesn't like show offs.

He says it was definitely worth it though, detentions and all.

So, this is my first reason for landing myself in summer school.

Richie.

Well, Richard William Amsdell, if you want to get into specifics.

It's kinda surprising how he acts, if you see what kind of home he grew up in. His father is a minister at the local church and his mother works in marketing. Raised with money and manners, Richie seems as if he has neither. He'd rather keep the same, crappy Old Navy t-shirts and use his old, crappy CD player than go pick up a few shirts at Abercrombie or buy an iPod.

Although he could. If he wanted.

As for manners, Richie just doesn't seem to care. But that one's pretty obvious with the whole 'science exam' incident.

Now with the ladies, though, Richie is actually (sometimes) the gentleman. So I guess his manners (sometimes) rub off somewhere.

And that comes to my second reason for being here: Girls.

Sometimes I wish we were all in the cootie stage, but most of the time I wonder why I ever even thought cooties existed.

In the long run, I guess Richie was a wise choice for my best bud. Even though he has gotten me grounded numerous times and landed me in a few detentions (not to mention, summer school), he has helped me greatly with my status (Popularity) and girls. Which it doesn't really matter, but it does.

This is middle school. Not the real world. From now until graduation, popularity and girls will always be important. I guess that's just--

"...atomic weight of Phosphorus? Ash?"

"Rounded up?"

"Yes, please."

"Thirty-one, ma'am." I didn't miss a beat, even while daydreaming.

My summer school teacher was Mrs. Finnsworth, an over-weight, middle aged woman with graying hair. The kind of woman you suspect to be housing 10 plus cats back at her place. Your typical mean, sour, old lady. She's obsessed with politeness and manners (not exactly one of Richie's fortes) so all of our answers are to be said with 'ma'am' somewhere in the sentence.

"How about...the atomic weight of Arsenic? Richard?"

"Richie..." He mumbled to himself, beside me with his head on his desk, bored.

"Richard?"

"Uh...oh. Uh...seventy-four."

"Excuse me?"

"I said seventy-four." Richie rolled his eyes.

"Could you speak up?"

I blew out a sigh and looked out the window.

Alright, so Richie was a jerk. Most of the time. But the girls loved him. He was a rebel. A hero. A hottie.

Oh God. Bleh.

He always tell me how girls line up to date him (and they do) and how he turns them all down (which he does, most of them). Any offers he does accept don't last more than a month.

"Can you say that again?"

"Seventy-four?"

"I don't quite comprehend."

I smiled. There were only two minutes left in class. Richie wasn't being a jerk, he was just passing the time.

"Speak up boy, my ears are old."

"Seventy-fricking-four!"

Mrs. Finnsworth didn't have a chance to scold him.

The bell rang.

This is chapter one of a story I've been working on for a long time. Don't expect too much more of it because I'm not very satisfied with it. I happen to be very proud of chpater one though

Hey, note to self! Welcome to YWS. ^_^

Haha, I feel your character's pain. I'm in summer school, too--granted, it wasn't because of fart machines, but. Poor guy.

Since you said you're not going too far with this one, I'll just give you a few general tips for the future:

- Make sure we know the gender of your narrator. It sounds simple enough, but for most of this piece, I assumed a girl was speaking. Mentioning the opposite sex isn't usually enough; you can take the easy way out by putting your character's name at the beginning of the piece, or you can work through the text and make it seem more 'guyish'. Listen to how guys talk--how do they put their sentences together? Are they long winded and verbose, or do they keep things choppy? What kind of language do they use? How emotional do they get about things? A mixture of both approaches means that your readers won't read through feeling slightly embarrassed that they can't tell.

- When you have a thought or a bit of description, stick with it for awhile. Most of your paragraphs in this piece are a sentence or two. While it makes for a quick read, it also means that the style is slightly choppier and we don't get as detailed a picture of this world as we would with longer thoughts. Expand and explain, and you should be good to go.

Thanks for the read! PM me if you have any questions or have something else you want me to take a look at. ^_^

This story made me smile . I'm afraid I can't take it through a line by line review today, but here's an overview:

Praise: you have a terrific, fun voice that's a pleasure to read. Good job .

Concerns: my biggest concern is that you use parentheses a lot. Parentheses can be a great device when used in moderation, but when overused, they can be annoying.

Well, I'm sorry that I've been of limited help. Keep writing!

River

Hey note to self! Welcome to YWS! Here's my crit key:
Red = Comments
Bold = words I've inserted that I think work better
Let's do this thing!

note to self wrote:While all the other kids were outside running around, [s]or[/s] riding roller coasters and water slides, or tanning on the beach, I was in this stuffy classroom, going over science facts I had learned just a few months ago.

No, I don't get horrible grades. No, I'm not a complete idiot. No, I'm not a stoner. Yes, I do care. Yes, I can do better. And yes, it's a friend's fault.

Science was the only subject I failed. I was nabbing high 80s and low 90s all year in class, but the exam sucked. For an end-of-the-year prank, Richie brought in a fart machine and was setting it off through out the whole exam. I could barely concentrate. Interesting...wouldn't the teacher have asked to shut it off? Please give us a few more details as to what he did. What exactly is a fart machine?

I scored a 64 on that exam. One point below passing.

I have to admit it though, it was a good prank. No, it was a great prank. Great enough to make Elizabeth Howard, the class genius, to score low. Well, low for her. She ended up scoring an 81. At least she passed. Okay, the stuff I underlined should go after the next paragraph, that way the story will flow more logically.

It lasted for a long time, Richie's prank, but he was caught by Mrs. Nemoa, the test administrator, with only 5 minutes left. It was already too late for me to fix any mistakes.

Richie gets a week of detention, starting the first day of 8th grade. Not to mention all the freshman shoving him around the neighborhood. The class ahead of us doesn't like show offs. Okay, why? You can't just put this down and not explain it.
He says it was definitely worth it though, detentions and all.

So, this is my first reason for landing myself in summer school.

Richie.

Well, Richard William Amsdell, if you want to get into specifics.

It's kinda surprising how he acts, if you see what kind of home he grew up in. His father is a minister at the local church and his mother works in marketing. Raised with money and manners, Richie seems as if he has neither. He'd rather keep the same, crappy Old Navy t-shirts and use his old, [s]crappy[/s] CD player than go pick up a few shirts at Abercrombie or buy an iPod.

Although he could. If he wanted.

As for manners, Richie just doesn't seem to care. But that one's pretty obvious with the whole 'science exam' incident.

Now with the ladies, though, Richie is actually (sometimes) the gentleman. So I guess his manners (sometimes) rub off somewhere.

And that comes to my second reason for being here: Girls.

Sometimes I wish we were all in the cootie stage, but most of the time I wonder why I ever even thought cooties existed.

In the long run, I guess Richie was a wise choice for my best bud. Even though he has gotten me grounded numerous times and landed me in a few detentions (not to mention, summer school) Try to avoid using parenthasese. Instead take out the parenthases and just put it right into your story. , he has helped me greatly with my [s]status (Popularity)[/s] popularity and girls. Which it doesn't really matter, but it does.

This is middle school. Not the real world. From now until graduation, popularity and girls will always be important. I guess that's just--

"...atomic weight of Phosphorus? Ash?" Please put: said Mrs. Finnsworth. Just introduce the name of the person who orginally starts the conversation and you can continue as you do in the next few dialogue clips.

"Rounded up?"

"Yes, please."

"Thirty-one, ma'am." I didn't miss a beat, even while daydreaming.

My summer school teacher was Mrs. Finnsworth, an over-weight, middle aged woman with graying hair. The kind of woman you suspect to be housing 10 plus cats back at her place. Your typical mean, sour, old lady. She's obsessed with politeness and manners (not exactly one of Richie's fortes) so all of our answers are to be said with 'ma'am' somewhere in the sentence.

"How about...the atomic weight of Arsenic? Richard?"

"Richie..." He mumbled to himself, beside me with his head on his desk, bored.

"Richard?"

"Uh...oh. Uh...seventy-four."

"Excuse me?"

"I said seventy-four." Richie rolled his eyes.

"Could you speak up?"

I blew out a sigh and looked out the window.

Alright, so Richie was a jerk. Most of the time. But the girls loved him. He was a rebel. A hero. A hottie.

Oh God. Bleh.

He always tell me how girls would line up to date him (and they do) and how he turns them all down (which he does, most of them). Any offers he does accept don't last more than a month.

"Can you say that again?"

"Seventy-four?"

"I don't quite understand what you're saying [s]comprehend[/s]."

I smiled. There were only two minutes left in class. Richie wasn't being a jerk, he was just passing the time.

"Speak up boy, my ears are old."

"Seventy-fricking-four!"

Mrs. Finnsworth didn't have a chance to scold him.

The bell rang.

This is chapter one of a story I've been working on for a long time. Don't expect too much more of it because I'm not very satisfied with it. I happen to be very proud of chpater one though

I like it!!!! Very well done! I love your MC. He's funy and cool and witty. Too bad about summer school though. Here are some general suggestions:

They Have Freckles?: Haha, okay so I need DETAILS! That's what you're mainly missing in this piece. Details! You mention or imply things and although I want more, you don't tell us more about it. Slow down and explain it. Details don't mean about how they look, details are about the places that I pointed out where you gave too little information. We want to know!

Looking Around: Setting, you need to establish more of a setting. Show us what the classroom looks like. Don't overload us but we want to know all the same.

Confused: I was confused as to why Richie was there in the last scene. I thought he only had detention, not summer school? They were in summer school at this point though, right? You might want to clear that up. Or I might just have rushed through it a bit.

Other than that, well done! Keep up the good work! PM me if you have any questions!